We the People

As I got up this morning, I completely overlooked the Supreme Court Decision on gay marriage.  In my grogginess, I moved about getting ready for what I anticipated to be a long workday.  I made my way through my morning routine...shower, teeth brushing...”de-ashification” (lotion)...coffee... and getting dressed.  As I walked toward the front door, the man to whom I used to be engaged informed me of the Supreme Court's decision.  My response was nearly indifferent.  I replied with an "oh, that's good".  See, I was engaged to be married several months ago.  Since that time, I called off the engagement and the relationship for reasons that I won't go into here.  At any rate, I made my way down to my car only to discover that a huge panel underneath the car was broken and hanging off.  I realized that I wouldn't be able to drive to work as planned.  As my anger mounted at the impending car repairs, I made my way back into the apartment, called an Uber, and waited to be picked up.  All I could think of was the cost, the inconvenience, getting to work late, this “stupid” gay marriage decision, and how very alone I felt.
    
I got into the Uber car, and headed off to work.  As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the driver was tuned into NPR radio.  The topic, of course, was gay marriage.  The pundits were all flexing their opinion muscles.  They talked about the significance, the implications, and the possible legal fights ahead. At first I listened, still indifferent.  Then, they paused to cut over to the live speech by President Obama from the Rose Garden.   That's when everything changed for me.  As Obama spoke about the history of this struggle and the progress of American society, I began to cry.  All my indifference melted away as I realized that while I was so very happy for all those who wanted to get married but could not, I was further away from my marriage moment than I thought I'd be at this point in my life.  This strange mix of grief and gladness would not let up.  As I made my way to work, all I could think about was how I'd missed my chance.  Yeah, I know that sounds a tad dramatic maybe, but it's hard to see "marriage" for myself right now.
 
Once my tears began to subside; my thoughts turned to those who will undoubtedly announce the moral decay of American society and the destruction of all things "godly".  It hurts to know that there are those in the world that would seek to keep me and my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters as second class citizens; and for what?  Before gay marriage was even a thought, heterosexual couples have made a career of entering into marriages lightly and subsequently destroying this “holy” institution.  Furthermore, even those who didn’t believe in God or even believed in things which directly went against God were allowed to take part in this allegedly holy event.  It occurs to me on this day, people of all backgrounds should consider this… Perhaps it’s not holy or godly or Christ-like to exclude certain people from being married.  I offer that perhaps it’s ungodly, or unholy to treat marriage as something disposable.  Perhaps it’s immoral to enter into marriages with insufficient regard.  Perhaps the shame should be placed on the devaluing of marriage rather than who gets to be married.  I don’t pretend to have all the answers but as a formerly married, formerly straight man now living as an openly gay man who now has the right to marry anywhere in my homeland, I have to say that my perspective is clearer than it has ever been.

The Bottom Line

For those who wish to take part in this new era of equality, know this…
Your marriage should NOT be just another option.
Your marriage should NOT be disposable.
Your marriage should NOT be for show.
Your marriage should NOT be for convenience.
Your marriage should NOT be entered into lightly.

For those who wish to decry today’s Supreme Court decision, know this…
Gay marriage does NOT change your relationship with your god.
Gay marriage does NOT infringe upon your rights or opinions.
Gay marriage does NOT diminish your faith.
Gay marriage does NOT make your marriage less special.

For ALL those who are or will be married, know this…
Love, honor, and respect your own marriage.  After all, it’s the only marriage you can both nurture or destroy.
 

Spring Forward

It's a beautiful fall day here in Texas.  My mind is on over-drive with thoughts of my future and of change.  About three months ago, I took my customary yearly birthday vacation.  This year's destination was Denver.  Leading up to this vacation, I'd been under tremendous and unrelenting stress from a major work project.  Most of my days were structured around the needs and desires of those driving the project.  My life wasn't my own.  By the time I got on the plane and headed out, I was in desperate need of down-time.

I've visited Denver only one other time.  That was during my college years.  When I was a very young child, my mom, step-dad, and I lived in Aurora for about two years.  I have memories of me playing in the snow, digging in the yard and finding bones, my mom and dad's gold Buick.  To this day, I can close my eyes and mentally walk through the apartment from room to room and remember every single thing and it's place.  A piece of Colorado has always remained within me... sleeping... waiting...hiding even.  This trip would change all that.

I spent the next eight days, wandering around the streets of Downtown Denver with little to no agenda.  I ate when I wanted.  I slept when I wanted.  I socialized when I wanted.  I was alone when I wanted.  It was simply amazing.  It's hard to describe the change which occurred in me during this trip; but I'll certainly try.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt at home.  I felt at peace.  I saw myself walking along the streets of Downtown well beyond my time there.  It's as if I'd literally bumped into myself while exploring the neighborhoods.

Once I was home, I couldn't shake this feeling that suddenly, I was a fish out of water.  All at once I no longer belonged where I'd always been.  It's a strange feeling to get on a plane headed home only to be certain you're leave your home behind.  I pondered the direction of my life for the next few weeks.  The Virgo in me tried desperately to explain away everything I was feeling.  The Virgo was not ready for the fight that my heart was about to put up.  My heart was in Denver.  My heart chose not to check in for my flight back to Texas.  My heart was still wandering the streets of Denver.  My heart put in a change of address.

As I lie on my couch one weekend, it finally became clear.  My life is not quite what I want it to be.  I've allowed myself to believe that the life I have is all I deserve.  I've tricked myself into believing that playing it safe is always the best course.  I've lied to myself about what I need and want during this short time I'm here with the rest of those on this planet.  I've accepted that at my age, it's time to drastically scale back on the dreaming.   "Who is this person?", I asked.  At what point did it simply become OK to exist?

The answers:  A person who has let life's pain scare the living shit out of him.  And, it's NOT OK to simply exist.

That's when I made the decision to move to Denver in the spring of 2015.  So with this, I've begun taking steps to get things in order.  While I don't have everything worked out just yet, Virgo is working hard to help make it happen.  And yeah, Virgo is finally putting his amazing talents to work for something that the Heart wants.  When those two work together, anything is possible.

The Bottom Line:  I know you probably thought I was going to get through this entire moment without addressing the fact that I've been absent from writing for over a year now.  For those who have been reading, you know I face everything head on; for better or worse.  I guess my heart just needed some time to find the right path again.  Sometimes when you spend to much time "talking" you can't hear the quiet pleadings of the heart for the noise of your mind.  I took that time to remain quiet and wait.  Here's what I learned...

You can either dream about your dreams or simply go live them.  While the path to your dreams may be filled with everything from tragedy to ecstasy, at least be on that path.  Don't let life's pain and practicality color grey what should be full of bright colors.  Resist the temptation to let people or circumstances convince you that you should be happy living in eternal Winter when there are three other seasons for you to experience.  There's a time to fall back; and there's a time to spring forward.

Don't ignore the spring.

Trash Bag

For those of you who've been taking out the trash since you were a kid like I have been; you will probably recall the many struggles you had trying to get the oftentimes overstuffed plastic bag to break free from the trash can.  Ahhh the good ole days...torn handles, ripped bags, the things you spent all week shoving into the dark have now spilled out on the floor for all to see.  What's worse is that many times you were not only forced to SEE all your gross trash, but also forced to touch it after it has become decomposed and slimy!  I found myself nearly thrust back to those very moments this morning.  While half asleep, I thought to myself, "now would be a great time to take out the trash".  Who does that?  At any rate, there I was trying to pry out a bloated bag of trash from what seemed like a trash can that didn't want to say goodbye just yet.  Then as the sleepy fog shifted just a bit, I remembered that if you just lift up on the bag slowly and kind of just hold the bag and can up in the air just a bit...then pause; the can will usually just slide off on its own.  It's not a method for the impatient (which I can be), but highly effective for avoiding a trashy debacle. 

This, of course, got me thinking.  Because why wouldn't trash inspire me at the crack of dawn?  Isn't that like life?  Over the years we get stuffed with trash...bad choices, bad exes, bad habits, bad ideas, bad clothes, bad behavior, or bad hair days.  Life's trash bag gets swollen and bloated to the point that the walls of our being or soul become tightly pressed up against it.  Most of us will take out the trash from time to time, but how effective are we at managing our trash?  

Do we cram all our trash in until we can't anymore, then forcefully try to rip it out in a hurry?  Perhaps, we end up having to remove some of the trash and place it in another bag so we can somehow manage to get it out.  Or just maybe some of us turn the whole can over in an attempt to free ourselves of the trash in our lives.  Worse yet, perhaps we just leave the trash, hoping that someone else will take it out for us.  In my moment of sleepy diligence, I was reminded that a little patience and planning go a long way.  

The Bottom Line:
When it comes to life's trash, don't let your trash get too full in the first place.  Take your trash out regularly.  Don't try to rip it out too fast and risk spilling your trash all over the place. Don't expect other to take out your trash.  And for god's sake...don't take out your trash while you are half asleep!  

Power Nigger

David Ross Jackson

Now that I have the title of my article out of the way, I will make sure I set an iPhone appointment reminder for the year 2040 so that I can remember to expect a complete over-reaction from the world around me for having typed the word "nigger" today.  

(This is a Paula Deen reference for those who have been sequestered on a jury or living under a rock.)

I'd like to take a moment to point out a few critical facts:

• My heritage is African-American, Scottish, and Cherokee.
• I've been a victim of racism directed at me from both black and white people.
• I've been called a nigger by both white and black people.  
• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Are we clear?  Good.  Moving on...

Let me further clarify, words of any kind, which are said from a place of hatred should not be met with indifference.  I do, however, believe that American society will never be able to move past true racism because we simply choose to focus on words and censorship rather than love and education.  We choose to give certain words power rather than being the living example of true power.  We hold all the power to ending racism, but refuse to use it.  Think about it in the simplest of terms.  If children on a playground are calling another child names and that child exhibits ZERO reaction to the name-calling; 9 times out of 10, the name calling will end.  It's really no different with racist words.  

I truly believe that evolving beyond race and racism in this country will work in the same way.  If we all stop choosing to be offended by a word, then perhaps it will stop being offensive and by default stop being used.  It seems overly simple right?  Well...perhaps it is.  As much as we all like to think we can control what others say or feel; the simple truth is, we can only change the way we react.  

I wont continue to dwell on this subject because I believe "dwelling" is the root issue.  We want to dwell on the past.  We want to lie down and take a long nap in past racism.  Does racism still exist, of course it does.  I have no delusions.  Am I going to give another's words power over my very life?  No. 

The Bottom Line:

An offensive word doesn't exist without offense. Am I suggesting everyone run around screaming "nigger" at the top of their lungs while grocery shopping?  Hell no!  I am fairly sure we are not all evolved enough to endure that.  I am suggesting that we all take a gigantic fucking deep breath and stop over-reacting at every turn.  Only god, or the universe, or perhaps only one's self, can really judge one's heart.  Give weight to one's actions rather than one's words.  After all...

Anyone can say "nigger", but not just anyone can be one. 

Origin of NIGGER

Alteration of earlier neger, 

From Middle French negre, 

From Spanish or Portuguese negro, 

From Latin niger

Alternatives

As I enjoy the first day of true heat this year, I'm left to consider why some gay men and women turn to the shade of a closet for relief from life's "heat".  There are certain things I don't understand and some that I understand all too well.  I do understand feeling the need to be in a closet.  I do not understand the idea that it's somehow OK to run in and out of one.


It should be noted that I spent much of my life in the closet and consider myself an expert on the matter.  I normally shy away from labeling myself an expert on any subject because I know two things without question.  One, things always change.  Two, I don't know everything there is to know about everything.  The "closet" however, I know.  I didn't see it while I was in there.  I also had no contact with anyone on the outside with the balls (or vag) to tell me that how I was living was a sham.  When you are locked inside a dark closet, it starts to feel less like a closet and more like a safe place to be.  It's not until you come out of it, turn around and look at it from the outside, that you finally realize what a shitty little space it is.

There are, however, two types of closet people.

The person who enters the closet and barricades the door.  

This was my closet.  This person has some sense of what is it is they are dealing with internally; but because of various factors (e.g. family, religion, work, religion, society, religion, racial culture, or religion) choose to ignore or deny it as much as humanly possible.  Yes, I'm aware I typed religion several times.  It's for dramatic effect but VERY true in many cases.  That's a subject for a different day.  Anyway, this person, on some level, knows exactly what is going on but chooses to live life as they believe they should or can.  They make no efforts to identify as gay.

The person who treats the closet like a 

man-cave or lady lounge.

This person lives two lives.  By sunDAY, they are perhaps righteous, god-fearing individuals.  At the very least they are people who appear "normal" to those that know them.  Monday through Saturday they fuck anything of the same sex that moves and have an intricate network of gay acquaintances and friends.  They are gay when it's OK to be gay and then they hop back in the closet just in time to pick out clothes for Sunday service.

It's the latter group of people mentioned here that, quite honestly, irritate the shit out of me.  I don't mean to sound insensitive to the plight of those who find themselves in a true sense of desperation and isolation.  After all, I used to BE that person.  I take exception to those men and women who treat being gay like some really ugly man or woman whom they have great sex with but refuse to introduce to friends and family.  These are not your typical lost souls.  These are skilled architects who build a life full of trap doors and secret passageways in and out of the closet.  These are people, in my opinion, who are too cowardly to face life as they truly are.  They lack the bravery, honesty, and resilience that millions of gay, lesbian, bi, and transgendered people have shown before them.  WHO they are depends largely upon where you meet them.  Whatever you do, don't try to follow them into the closet.  You're almost certainly not invited.

The Bottom Line:
There is no noble alternative to being true.
History is littered with both the brave and the cowards.
Which will you be?

If you're not brave enough to come out of the closet, be brave enough to stop running in and out of it until you are ready to accept yourself no matter the cost.  Turning it into a game of lies where the only losers are those around you is a shameful waste of a life.  It's OK to be you.  Just have the guts to decide which YOU that will be.  There were a few people in my life who knew about my closet.  I wish any one of them would have cared enough to say to me what I've said here today.