Donald

Well, I've been at an ideological fork in the road for months... 

Respect President-Elect Donald Trump or don't?   

Some Background: I am 40 years old.  I was raised in Texas as a Republican (big surprise).  I was taught in predominantly christian school environments.  I was raised in church - Southern Baptist, Pentecostal, Church of Christ.  I attended christian universities.  I married a christian woman and had two children; then later divorced.  Once I began to care more about people and less about a bank account or guns, I became a Democrat.  I also came out as gay.  I'm now married to a man.  I've voted for President George W. Bush (once).  I voted for President Barack Obama (twice).  I voted for Hillary Clinton.  I describe myself as a staunch Democrat with a dash of Republican...because I'm a big enough person to understand there is value in both major political parties.   There, now you have the necessary background.

Having said all this, I was raised to respect the President without question.  I was taught that while you don't have to agree, you should respect him (or her).  That worked seamlessly for me until we all encountered the now President-Elect Donald J. Trump.  Never in the history of our nation has a President shown such a lack of respect for the people he's supposed to govern.  This is when everything changed for me.

I thought to myself - {Wait a fucking minute... The whole respect the President thing worked great before.  Why am I having such a hard time with this now?}  Simply put, Donald continues to disrespect both the office of the President and the people for which he was elected to lead.  And that, my friends, changes everything.  No longer will I be shackled by a concept of respect just for the sake of said concept.  Simply put, respect is earned.   Every President in my lifetime has approached this solemn duty and the American people with the respect and gravity that the job requires.  Every President, that is, until now.  As with the law or social issues, things evolve as we enter into uncharted territory and our understanding of circumstances changes.  This is uncharted territory.  I will not use this moment to list Donald's many transgressions against the American people or the office of the President.  His words (many just outright lies) and actions stand alone and need no context or clarity.  Only someone wishing to justify his inexcusable behavior will say otherwise.  This isn't about me not voting for Donald.  This isn't about Republican vs. Democrat vs. Bernie vs. the Green Party.  This is about what is undeniably missing from Donald's approach thus far - RESPECT.  He has none.


The Bottom Line:

Respect is earned and Donald is currently facing a "respect bankruptcy".  Until he pays his debt; until he stops trying to avoid giving the very thing he demands; until he starts behaving like a President; he will get no respect from me.  If you want to act like a 70 year old temper-tantrum throwing child - You will be Donald.  When you choose to grow up and show ALL the people of this great nation the respect they deserve - You will be President.  Some things really are that simple.

ALL LIVES MATTER: A Strong Rebuke Against Race-Based Movements

As a person of Scottish, Cherokee, and African American descent who grew up in the poor and mostly Black part of Dallas Texas - I've been forced to confront race and racism from all sides at an early age.  Some Black people don't like me because of my White mother or because I'm not dark enough or "black" enough.  Some White people don't like me because I'm Black.  Some White people only like me because they think I'm Hispanic at first.  Some Hispanics like me...until they realize I'm Black.  On and on it goes.  

As I watched the events in Dallas Texas unfold last night and today (where five Dallas police officers died after gunmen systematically executed them during and after a Black Lives Matter rally in downtown), I can't help but wonder if those who support the Black Lives Matter movement really understand what it is they are advocating.    All evidence seems to suggest that they don't.  On the outside, BLM seems harmless and honorable enough.  When you take a closer look, however, you will start to see some fundamental and alarming problems.  

• The very name of the movement - Black Lives Matter. 
• There is an ellipsis at the end of this movement's name - ...more than other lives. 

I'm not saying that the ellipsis was intended, but it's there none the less.  This is why you see people now adopting the hashtag #alllivesmatter.  They do this because the movement has made them feel as though their lives do not matter.  I understand that there is a growing problem with police violence in this country which disproportionately affects those in Black communities.  I understand that Black lives matter.  The name though, while seemingly trying to draw attention to the issues of police violence against Black people, also implies that other lives don't matter at all or at the very least not as much.  The focus shouldn't be on race, but it is.  This isn't helping the racism issue in this country.  It's breeding a whole new generations of racist...on ALL sides.  

Think about it this way - The Traditionalist American Knights of the KKK  state that they are a non-violent organization dedicated to the "preservation of the white race in the United States".  They say they are non-violent; but as we all know, their very existence inspires hatred and violence.  The fact that they self segregate and focus solely on the white race signals that other races are not important or valuable.  This is the issue with identifying by race in a political or social movement.  It seems harmless, or loyal, or in touch with one's ancestry; but it's not.  Its divisive, destructive, and dangerous.   

• The focus of the movement. 
• According to the BLM website  the focus is on "state violence" against Black people. 

The word "violence" is found on the BLM Who We Are page six times.  The focus is on violence executed by the "state".  With such a focus on "violence", it was only a matter of time before the movement inspired violence.  The BLM movement says it is "broadening the conversation"; when in fact it's narrowing the conversation to race and excluding non-black people from that conversation.  You can't seek to stop race-based attacks on the Black community by alienating people of non-black heritage.  This is exactly what BLM is currently doing.  The message, the focus, and the execution ALL need to change.

• The organization of the movement.  
• In interviews with those described as the founders of the BLM movement, it has been stated that BLM is a leaderless movement.  

Here's the problem - A leaderless movement is also a movement that is unfocused, off-message, and subject to a dangerous evolution.  We didn't achieve progress for Black people in America without leaders.  This type of non-approach leaves the execution of this movement open to interpretation.  As we saw in Dallas, some have now interpreted this as violence against police.  I'm not saying that the killing of five Dallas police officers was sanctioned by BLM, but the movement bears some responsibility in that it refuses to clearly identify as "non-violent" and in fact, it's sole focus IS violence.  It allows people from the community to decide for themselves how to resolve "state violence" - some, opting just to shoot back.  Violence or focusing on violence is NOT the right approach.  The BLM movement is in it's "toddler" period now and has done little in the way of fixing the problem of racism or violence in this country.

• The execution of the movement.
• The movement has"fired" upon the wrong targets too many times.  

In December of last year, BLM disrupted air travel at an airport and shopping at a popular and busy mall.  This is yet another example of the wrong focus and execution.  A movement shouldn't seek to punish those who may have nothing to do with the plight of the Black community.  These were people trying to see their families or buy gifts for loved ones.  Seeking to disrupt everyday life is not the way to change the hearts and minds of this country.  It reeks of selfishness and ill-will toward those who have nothing to do with "state violence".  At political rallies, BLM shows up screaming or taking over stages in an effort to force people to listen.  Screaming at people only alienates them further.  Again, this is where leaders come in.  They help people focus and stay on message; and to deliver that message in a way that is not only powerful, but poignant and better received.

The Bottom Line

Trying to force people to listen to your point of view, while systematically alienating those who you say you are trying to speak to is fucking foolish.  It's time for everyone to stop hiding behind their race.  It's time to stop pretending that pride in your heritage is the reason for your actions and behaviors.  It's not.  Your selfishness and belief that your life matters more than those of a different race because of a threat (either perceived or real) is the reason for your actions and behaviors.  You can be proud without alienating those around you.  You can honor your history without creating or contributing to a future soaked in violence, segregation, hatred, ignorance, and intolerance.  We can all live together in love and peace...when we CHOOSE to do so.  We can all move beyond racism once we stop breathing life into it with provocation, violence, screaming, anger, hatred, and retaliation.  

White people, stop pretending like you're in danger of losing something.  You're not.  White Americans slaughtered Native Americans in order to lay claim to something that didn't belong to them.  White Americans enslaved Africans and refused to treat them like humans.  The only thing you're in danger of is perpetuating the cycle of ignorance that says you're superior to anyone.  We aren't.  We come from the same stock of people who murdered some and enslaved others.  ENOUGH.  Get your shit together and realize the worth of all human life whether you relate to them or not.  

Black people, stop pretending like you arrived on a slave ship.  You didn't.  Stop saying you want and end to racism while simultaneously segregating yourselves.  Stop screaming at people and learn to have a real conversation.  Do the hard work that is required to really "broaden the conversation"; not just the easy work of preaching to the choir.  Stop punishing the good White people of this country for shit the bad ones do.  We don't honor our ancestors and those who fought for our freedoms by shitting all over their sacrifice with our selfishness and willful ignorance.  We have JUST as must a part to play in eradicating racism as any White person living or dead.

Racism and discrimination of ALL kinds is defeated in the small moments in life.  Talk to that co-worker who may be narrow-minded or sheltered.  Show those passing you on the street the kindness they may not think you deserve.  Conduct yourselves with the kind of honor that transcends your heritage.  Stop being afraid to speak out against violent actions and words from your "own kind".  Stop letting people of all colors get a free pass on hatred and ignorance.  Speak up.  Speak softly.  Speak often.  Speak from your heart.  The war on race won't be won by force.  It will be won when we decide that human life is THE most important resource on the planet.    

An Inconvenient Truth

My, how a few months changes everything...

There is no honor, nor nobility, nor any grace in spending months decrying the Democratic Super Delegate process; only to make it a part of your strategy for winning.   This alone proves that Bernie Sanders is as much a typical politician as anyone else currently running for President on either side. 

Wake up people!!!

He is essentially saying that EVEN if Hillary takes the popular vote (that's you - in case you were confused) and the Pledged Delegate count; that his campaign plans on completely disregarding the will of the people (that he CLAIMS he's representing) and try to convince Super Delegates to vote for  him in an effort to usurp Hillary Clinton as the nominee for President.  

So, to all the hardcore Bernie Sanders supporters out there in the world...you can support him if you like -that's your prerogative- but PLEASE stop pretending like your candidate is above all the bullshit.  He not; and neither are you for supporting him.  He does not represent a political revolution.  He represents politics JUST AS IT IS...flawed.  I can respect people for knowingly supporting their candidate despite their shortcomings.  I cannot respect those who choose to pretend like their candidate is vastly better or different or more honorable than any other.  

#hypocrisy #politics #nowthetruthcomesout 

Have You Seen Me?

What has happened to friendship?  When did true friendship suddenly go missing?  In the era of Facebook-fueled disposable relationships, I can't help but ask myself... Are real friendships becoming a thing of the past?   

I've always been pretty selective with who I call "friend".  I believe it is a title that should be earned rather than hastily bestowed upon someone.  For this reason, I have few close friends.  I'm OK with that though.  I've had even fewer best friends in my lifetime.  I've lost two so far.  The first was because of my coming out.  That was fun...fun like surgery with no anesthesia.  The second...I'm still trying to figure out what happened there.   

Just a few short months ago, I experienced my second ride on the severed friendship boat.  Someone I cared about deeply and for whom I'd have done anything suddenly sent me a Dear John text.  There was no opportunity for me to address issues or fix what I could.  There was no warning.  There was just a text full of words and thoughts that lacked any love or compassion.  Apparently, this friend could only exist in the sunshine and fair weather.  I guess he didn't have the stomach to endure thunderstorms and hurricanes.  This loss, like the last one, was equally devastating.  I was left confused and deeply hurt.  I had been there for this person through the worst time of their life; and I never once bailed.  I never once ended the friendship.  Why?  Because I believe true friendship and love transcends circumstances, and distance, and life's storms.  I believe that friendship doesn't always have to be perfect or comfortable.  I believe that two people should be able to respect each other and honor their relationship as friends no matter the circumstances.  Sure, shit happens.  People make mistakes.   There are trying times for everyone.  A real friend, however, should be able to see through the storm.  To put it bluntly, any fucking idiot should understand that storms don't last forever.  

Then today, I learned that someone I love dearly lost their best friend to similar foolishness.  I hurt so badly for him.  I remember what it feels like to have your heart ripped out through your ass with the realization that someone you thought was your best friend, really wasn't at all.  This was the last straw for me.  

I have had it with this culture of disposable friendships...where if the person doesn't exactly reflect our interests, ideals, beliefs, goals, or comfort level, we simply toss them out like moldy bread.  When did this become the norm?  When did people become so weak and cowardly that they can't even withstand the high winds of life?  I wish more than anything this wasn't the case.  I hate that people seem to be forgetting the meaning of true friendship.  Pop culture sites like Facebook have fooled people into thinking that sharing your every bowel movement online is friendship.  This has translated into our actual friendships now.  We unfriend people in an instant.  I feel like it's becoming harder and harder for people to distinguish between Facebook and real life.  Will true friendship  remain on the milk carton or will it be plucked from the clutches of its captor - complacency? 

The Bottom Line:

The next time the storms hit and you think of turning your back on someone you call a friend, consider this...  Is it really the right call to cut this person from your life or are you just being a giant bag of flaccid dicks?

We the People

As I got up this morning, I completely overlooked the Supreme Court Decision on gay marriage.  In my grogginess, I moved about getting ready for what I anticipated to be a long workday.  I made my way through my morning routine...shower, teeth brushing...”de-ashification” (lotion)...coffee... and getting dressed.  As I walked toward the front door, the man to whom I used to be engaged informed me of the Supreme Court's decision.  My response was nearly indifferent.  I replied with an "oh, that's good".  See, I was engaged to be married several months ago.  Since that time, I called off the engagement and the relationship for reasons that I won't go into here.  At any rate, I made my way down to my car only to discover that a huge panel underneath the car was broken and hanging off.  I realized that I wouldn't be able to drive to work as planned.  As my anger mounted at the impending car repairs, I made my way back into the apartment, called an Uber, and waited to be picked up.  All I could think of was the cost, the inconvenience, getting to work late, this “stupid” gay marriage decision, and how very alone I felt.
    
I got into the Uber car, and headed off to work.  As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the driver was tuned into NPR radio.  The topic, of course, was gay marriage.  The pundits were all flexing their opinion muscles.  They talked about the significance, the implications, and the possible legal fights ahead. At first I listened, still indifferent.  Then, they paused to cut over to the live speech by President Obama from the Rose Garden.   That's when everything changed for me.  As Obama spoke about the history of this struggle and the progress of American society, I began to cry.  All my indifference melted away as I realized that while I was so very happy for all those who wanted to get married but could not, I was further away from my marriage moment than I thought I'd be at this point in my life.  This strange mix of grief and gladness would not let up.  As I made my way to work, all I could think about was how I'd missed my chance.  Yeah, I know that sounds a tad dramatic maybe, but it's hard to see "marriage" for myself right now.
 
Once my tears began to subside; my thoughts turned to those who will undoubtedly announce the moral decay of American society and the destruction of all things "godly".  It hurts to know that there are those in the world that would seek to keep me and my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters as second class citizens; and for what?  Before gay marriage was even a thought, heterosexual couples have made a career of entering into marriages lightly and subsequently destroying this “holy” institution.  Furthermore, even those who didn’t believe in God or even believed in things which directly went against God were allowed to take part in this allegedly holy event.  It occurs to me on this day, people of all backgrounds should consider this… Perhaps it’s not holy or godly or Christ-like to exclude certain people from being married.  I offer that perhaps it’s ungodly, or unholy to treat marriage as something disposable.  Perhaps it’s immoral to enter into marriages with insufficient regard.  Perhaps the shame should be placed on the devaluing of marriage rather than who gets to be married.  I don’t pretend to have all the answers but as a formerly married, formerly straight man now living as an openly gay man who now has the right to marry anywhere in my homeland, I have to say that my perspective is clearer than it has ever been.

The Bottom Line

For those who wish to take part in this new era of equality, know this…
Your marriage should NOT be just another option.
Your marriage should NOT be disposable.
Your marriage should NOT be for show.
Your marriage should NOT be for convenience.
Your marriage should NOT be entered into lightly.

For those who wish to decry today’s Supreme Court decision, know this…
Gay marriage does NOT change your relationship with your god.
Gay marriage does NOT infringe upon your rights or opinions.
Gay marriage does NOT diminish your faith.
Gay marriage does NOT make your marriage less special.

For ALL those who are or will be married, know this…
Love, honor, and respect your own marriage.  After all, it’s the only marriage you can both nurture or destroy.
 

Spring Forward

It's a beautiful fall day here in Texas.  My mind is on over-drive with thoughts of my future and of change.  About three months ago, I took my customary yearly birthday vacation.  This year's destination was Denver.  Leading up to this vacation, I'd been under tremendous and unrelenting stress from a major work project.  Most of my days were structured around the needs and desires of those driving the project.  My life wasn't my own.  By the time I got on the plane and headed out, I was in desperate need of down-time.

I've visited Denver only one other time.  That was during my college years.  When I was a very young child, my mom, step-dad, and I lived in Aurora for about two years.  I have memories of me playing in the snow, digging in the yard and finding bones, my mom and dad's gold Buick.  To this day, I can close my eyes and mentally walk through the apartment from room to room and remember every single thing and it's place.  A piece of Colorado has always remained within me... sleeping... waiting...hiding even.  This trip would change all that.

I spent the next eight days, wandering around the streets of Downtown Denver with little to no agenda.  I ate when I wanted.  I slept when I wanted.  I socialized when I wanted.  I was alone when I wanted.  It was simply amazing.  It's hard to describe the change which occurred in me during this trip; but I'll certainly try.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt at home.  I felt at peace.  I saw myself walking along the streets of Downtown well beyond my time there.  It's as if I'd literally bumped into myself while exploring the neighborhoods.

Once I was home, I couldn't shake this feeling that suddenly, I was a fish out of water.  All at once I no longer belonged where I'd always been.  It's a strange feeling to get on a plane headed home only to be certain you're leave your home behind.  I pondered the direction of my life for the next few weeks.  The Virgo in me tried desperately to explain away everything I was feeling.  The Virgo was not ready for the fight that my heart was about to put up.  My heart was in Denver.  My heart chose not to check in for my flight back to Texas.  My heart was still wandering the streets of Denver.  My heart put in a change of address.

As I lie on my couch one weekend, it finally became clear.  My life is not quite what I want it to be.  I've allowed myself to believe that the life I have is all I deserve.  I've tricked myself into believing that playing it safe is always the best course.  I've lied to myself about what I need and want during this short time I'm here with the rest of those on this planet.  I've accepted that at my age, it's time to drastically scale back on the dreaming.   "Who is this person?", I asked.  At what point did it simply become OK to exist?

The answers:  A person who has let life's pain scare the living shit out of him.  And, it's NOT OK to simply exist.

That's when I made the decision to move to Denver in the spring of 2015.  So with this, I've begun taking steps to get things in order.  While I don't have everything worked out just yet, Virgo is working hard to help make it happen.  And yeah, Virgo is finally putting his amazing talents to work for something that the Heart wants.  When those two work together, anything is possible.

The Bottom Line:  I know you probably thought I was going to get through this entire moment without addressing the fact that I've been absent from writing for over a year now.  For those who have been reading, you know I face everything head on; for better or worse.  I guess my heart just needed some time to find the right path again.  Sometimes when you spend to much time "talking" you can't hear the quiet pleadings of the heart for the noise of your mind.  I took that time to remain quiet and wait.  Here's what I learned...

You can either dream about your dreams or simply go live them.  While the path to your dreams may be filled with everything from tragedy to ecstasy, at least be on that path.  Don't let life's pain and practicality color grey what should be full of bright colors.  Resist the temptation to let people or circumstances convince you that you should be happy living in eternal Winter when there are three other seasons for you to experience.  There's a time to fall back; and there's a time to spring forward.

Don't ignore the spring.

Trash Bag

For those of you who've been taking out the trash since you were a kid like I have been; you will probably recall the many struggles you had trying to get the oftentimes overstuffed plastic bag to break free from the trash can.  Ahhh the good ole days...torn handles, ripped bags, the things you spent all week shoving into the dark have now spilled out on the floor for all to see.  What's worse is that many times you were not only forced to SEE all your gross trash, but also forced to touch it after it has become decomposed and slimy!  I found myself nearly thrust back to those very moments this morning.  While half asleep, I thought to myself, "now would be a great time to take out the trash".  Who does that?  At any rate, there I was trying to pry out a bloated bag of trash from what seemed like a trash can that didn't want to say goodbye just yet.  Then as the sleepy fog shifted just a bit, I remembered that if you just lift up on the bag slowly and kind of just hold the bag and can up in the air just a bit...then pause; the can will usually just slide off on its own.  It's not a method for the impatient (which I can be), but highly effective for avoiding a trashy debacle. 

This, of course, got me thinking.  Because why wouldn't trash inspire me at the crack of dawn?  Isn't that like life?  Over the years we get stuffed with trash...bad choices, bad exes, bad habits, bad ideas, bad clothes, bad behavior, or bad hair days.  Life's trash bag gets swollen and bloated to the point that the walls of our being or soul become tightly pressed up against it.  Most of us will take out the trash from time to time, but how effective are we at managing our trash?  

Do we cram all our trash in until we can't anymore, then forcefully try to rip it out in a hurry?  Perhaps, we end up having to remove some of the trash and place it in another bag so we can somehow manage to get it out.  Or just maybe some of us turn the whole can over in an attempt to free ourselves of the trash in our lives.  Worse yet, perhaps we just leave the trash, hoping that someone else will take it out for us.  In my moment of sleepy diligence, I was reminded that a little patience and planning go a long way.  

The Bottom Line:
When it comes to life's trash, don't let your trash get too full in the first place.  Take your trash out regularly.  Don't try to rip it out too fast and risk spilling your trash all over the place. Don't expect other to take out your trash.  And for god's sake...don't take out your trash while you are half asleep!  

Power Nigger

David Ross Jackson

Now that I have the title of my article out of the way, I will make sure I set an iPhone appointment reminder for the year 2040 so that I can remember to expect a complete over-reaction from the world around me for having typed the word "nigger" today.  

(This is a Paula Deen reference for those who have been sequestered on a jury or living under a rock.)

I'd like to take a moment to point out a few critical facts:

• My heritage is African-American, Scottish, and Cherokee.
• I've been a victim of racism directed at me from both black and white people.
• I've been called a nigger by both white and black people.  
• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Are we clear?  Good.  Moving on...

Let me further clarify, words of any kind, which are said from a place of hatred should not be met with indifference.  I do, however, believe that American society will never be able to move past true racism because we simply choose to focus on words and censorship rather than love and education.  We choose to give certain words power rather than being the living example of true power.  We hold all the power to ending racism, but refuse to use it.  Think about it in the simplest of terms.  If children on a playground are calling another child names and that child exhibits ZERO reaction to the name-calling; 9 times out of 10, the name calling will end.  It's really no different with racist words.  

I truly believe that evolving beyond race and racism in this country will work in the same way.  If we all stop choosing to be offended by a word, then perhaps it will stop being offensive and by default stop being used.  It seems overly simple right?  Well...perhaps it is.  As much as we all like to think we can control what others say or feel; the simple truth is, we can only change the way we react.  

I wont continue to dwell on this subject because I believe "dwelling" is the root issue.  We want to dwell on the past.  We want to lie down and take a long nap in past racism.  Does racism still exist, of course it does.  I have no delusions.  Am I going to give another's words power over my very life?  No. 

The Bottom Line:

An offensive word doesn't exist without offense. Am I suggesting everyone run around screaming "nigger" at the top of their lungs while grocery shopping?  Hell no!  I am fairly sure we are not all evolved enough to endure that.  I am suggesting that we all take a gigantic fucking deep breath and stop over-reacting at every turn.  Only god, or the universe, or perhaps only one's self, can really judge one's heart.  Give weight to one's actions rather than one's words.  After all...

Anyone can say "nigger", but not just anyone can be one. 

Origin of NIGGER

Alteration of earlier neger, 

From Middle French negre, 

From Spanish or Portuguese negro, 

From Latin niger

Alternatives

As I enjoy the first day of true heat this year, I'm left to consider why some gay men and women turn to the shade of a closet for relief from life's "heat".  There are certain things I don't understand and some that I understand all too well.  I do understand feeling the need to be in a closet.  I do not understand the idea that it's somehow OK to run in and out of one.


It should be noted that I spent much of my life in the closet and consider myself an expert on the matter.  I normally shy away from labeling myself an expert on any subject because I know two things without question.  One, things always change.  Two, I don't know everything there is to know about everything.  The "closet" however, I know.  I didn't see it while I was in there.  I also had no contact with anyone on the outside with the balls (or vag) to tell me that how I was living was a sham.  When you are locked inside a dark closet, it starts to feel less like a closet and more like a safe place to be.  It's not until you come out of it, turn around and look at it from the outside, that you finally realize what a shitty little space it is.

There are, however, two types of closet people.

The person who enters the closet and barricades the door.  

This was my closet.  This person has some sense of what is it is they are dealing with internally; but because of various factors (e.g. family, religion, work, religion, society, religion, racial culture, or religion) choose to ignore or deny it as much as humanly possible.  Yes, I'm aware I typed religion several times.  It's for dramatic effect but VERY true in many cases.  That's a subject for a different day.  Anyway, this person, on some level, knows exactly what is going on but chooses to live life as they believe they should or can.  They make no efforts to identify as gay.

The person who treats the closet like a 

man-cave or lady lounge.

This person lives two lives.  By sunDAY, they are perhaps righteous, god-fearing individuals.  At the very least they are people who appear "normal" to those that know them.  Monday through Saturday they fuck anything of the same sex that moves and have an intricate network of gay acquaintances and friends.  They are gay when it's OK to be gay and then they hop back in the closet just in time to pick out clothes for Sunday service.

It's the latter group of people mentioned here that, quite honestly, irritate the shit out of me.  I don't mean to sound insensitive to the plight of those who find themselves in a true sense of desperation and isolation.  After all, I used to BE that person.  I take exception to those men and women who treat being gay like some really ugly man or woman whom they have great sex with but refuse to introduce to friends and family.  These are not your typical lost souls.  These are skilled architects who build a life full of trap doors and secret passageways in and out of the closet.  These are people, in my opinion, who are too cowardly to face life as they truly are.  They lack the bravery, honesty, and resilience that millions of gay, lesbian, bi, and transgendered people have shown before them.  WHO they are depends largely upon where you meet them.  Whatever you do, don't try to follow them into the closet.  You're almost certainly not invited.

The Bottom Line:
There is no noble alternative to being true.
History is littered with both the brave and the cowards.
Which will you be?

If you're not brave enough to come out of the closet, be brave enough to stop running in and out of it until you are ready to accept yourself no matter the cost.  Turning it into a game of lies where the only losers are those around you is a shameful waste of a life.  It's OK to be you.  Just have the guts to decide which YOU that will be.  There were a few people in my life who knew about my closet.  I wish any one of them would have cared enough to say to me what I've said here today.

Bar None

So, it’s a “late spring in January” kind of a day here in my hometown.  I’m wearing a tank-top and it feels amazing.  I started out with lunch.  As a sat on the patio relaxing and enjoying something called a chicken cheeseburger, I couldn’t help but notice all the people gathering at the bar across the street...a bar that I’ve been to more times than I care to admit.  

It’s interesting how the bars play such a huge role in my people’s culture.  By “my people”, I’m referring to the gays.  I’ve struggled over the years to understand why bars seem to be the only place we like to congregate.  I don’t really care for the bars.  So, of course I packed up my laptop and decided to plop down right in the middle of one!  I’ve made a habit of forcing myself into awkward scenarios in an effort to keep my mind outside the box.  Trust me when I say that typing away in the middle of a meat market is highly awkward!  So, I pulled out my laptop and began observing and writing.  I think I’ve been able to categorize the things I’ve seen today...

The Social Queens - 

These are the guys who show up just to be seen.  This is as much a production as anything you would ever see on broadway.  Hair is sprayed into submission.  Clothes are two sizes too small.  On a side note, that baby Gap look only works on 1 out of every 20 gay men.  The social queens are laughing at things that aren’t funny, throwing back drinks faster than the bartender can pour, and generally doing everything short of setting off fireworks in an effort to be noticed.  

The Sex Queens - 

I think we all know what these folks are doing.  Ummm yeah...looking for sex.  They are the least complicated individuals in all of gaydom.  

The Drag Queens - 

Albeit they are not typically “made up”, you can always spot them by their high-arched eyebrows and affinity for comfy sweatpants.  You can also spot that “I took off all my makeup at about 4am this morning” look.  Hey, I’m not making this up.  

The Sporty Queens - 

These are the ones who want to accentuate every muscle in their overly worked out, usually out-of-proportion bodies.  Think top-heavy...90 inch chest and legs you could clean small pipes with.  It’s amazing that they have time to even make it to a bar considering they are always propped up on a bench-press machine.  

The Old Queens - 

I have an agreement with my best friend to have him stab me in the face if I ever find myself in this group.  These are the men of considerable age who have never quite found a life outside a bar.  My cut off age is currently 45.  45 is the LAST age.  If I should feel the need to adjust the age, it would be younger...not older.  

The “In Love” Queens - 

These are the ones who are with the “man of the moment”; proudly displaying each other like Grammy awards on a shelf.  They will be broken up after about two months of hot sex and one-too-many date nights at the bar.  

The Bottom Line:

Queens come and go, but the bars...they are forever.  While I don’t pretend to completely understand the correlation between gay life and the clubs and bars; I know that in some fashion it’s our haven...our little slice of the world where we can completely be ourselves without fear of judgement (this excludes fashion judgement).  I suppose at some point I will just stop trying to figure out the bar crowd and resolve that much like Republican nominees for President, it’s a necessary evil.  ;-)  

The Dark Side of the Moon

It's a cool Saturday in a city just outside Atlanta.  I'm sitting in a hotel room trying to figure out how I'm going to write the words that will follow this sentence.  I'm all about giving my readers the moment and the truth; but this promises to be one of the more difficult things that I've written.

A few days prior to my 30th birthday, life was good.  I had a huge birthday bash planned.  My boyfriend at the time was handling all the arrangements.  I even had a decent and balanced perspective on turning 30.  I had managed to avoid wanting to hang myself from the ceiling fan or the shower rod because I was "getting old".  Other than being a little under the weather, I was doing well.  I decided to go see my family doctor for a check-up.  In general, I felt great so I didn't think much of it.  I'd always go in on a weekday, mid-morning, and always get my check-up results back the very next afternoon.  They were very efficient that way.

The following day, I called in for my results.  The blood work was still in a pending status.  The next day was the same.  On the third day, I spoke to my very favorite nurse over the phone.  She wasn't her usual outrageous and playful self.  Her voice was quiet and troubled.  She said, "Honey, when can you come in to see the doctor?".  Not being one to drag my feet, I made an appointment.  While she didn't tell me anything over the phone, I somehow knew what was unfolding before me.  About five days passed before I was able to make it in for my appointment.   I went alone.  My nurse and doctor came into the room and told me something that would change my life forever.  "David, we ran all your standard blood work.  You tested positive for HIV."  The words just hung there like a London fog.  My favorite nurse held my hand as tears rolled down my face.  The doctor began explaining the next steps but most of his words were just washed away with my tears.  

I've only ever cried so much one other time in my life.  I honestly don't remember the days in between the news and telling my boyfriend.  I was a mess on the inside.  Some who already know my story, have said that I am a remarkably strong person.  I don't really feel strong, but then again, this kind of strength is not the kind that advertises itself with fanfare.

I guess I decided to share this very personal part of my life for a few reasons.  As with any major life trial, one can feel desperate and alone.  I wouldn't wish the feelings I experienced during that time on anyone.  I've refrained from telling many people because of the stigma that goes along with having HIV.  I wish people were more educated but as with many things in life, until it affects you, you pay it no attention.  So, after making my way out of the "I'm gay" closet, I felt forced into yet another.

Here is what I'd like you all to take away from this moment that I've shared with you...

For those of you who have been diagnosed... You are not alone!  Find someone to talk to; perhaps a professional or a friend you can trust.  Don't go through this alone.  This hurts in a way that does not compare to many things.  Know that when the dust settles on your diagnosis, you will feel like living again.  You will thrive.  You will feel loved again.  Walk toward the light and know that while it may take some time to feel...normal...that time will come.

For those who don't know much about HIV or AIDS...  Google it.  Talk about it.  Understand it.  Life is entirely too short to think it couldn't happen to you or someone that you love.  You should also know that it's no longer a death sentence!  Provided I can reduce my road-rage, I will outlive most of those reading this...trust and believe!  You must understand how it's contracted, how to prevent it, and how to support those in your life who have it.  Stop being afraid of what you don't understand and  dispense with falling back on ignorance as an excuse for poor attitudes.

The Bottom Line:
At one time, having HIV felt like being on the dark side of the moon.  I was lonely and isolated.  I felt the cold of mortality creeping in.  Honestly, I felt like trash.  It felt like the end of dating.  It felt like the end of love and happiness.  It felt like the end of my life.  Once the fog lifted and I made the choice to educate myself and to keep on living; I was able to see that nothing could be further from the truth.  Have things changed?  Of course!  It has taken me a great deal of time, but I am finally finding the purpose in all this.  I hope that my story will inspire you to approach yourself and others with love and compassion.  HIV positive or not, we are all going through something and could benefit from the light of love.


Click here to learn about HIV.

The Bench

In the highly competitive world of dating and relationships, have you ever found yourself feeling like you are constantly coming off the bench?  Do you get the sneaky feeling that you are a back-up, a last resort, or a role player?  The "role" being that of a booty call or perhaps something that just feels comfortable...you know...like an extra large raggedy sweat shirt.  What happens when you look up one day and find yourself at what seems like the very end of the bench?  Don't worry yourself with how the hell you got there.  Just ask yourself... How the fuck do I get back in the game?


There are a few ways that I can see...

The Trade

Put the time into bettering yourself.  Work on your "shot".  Wait until you're ready for free-agency and then get the hell off the team!  You have something to offer.  You have skills that have yet to be discovered.  Take your talents to South Beach like LeBron James if necessary, but GET OUT!  Why be on the bench with one team when you can be the star on a team that appreciates all that you bring to the table?

Sign an Extension

Look, this all depends on where exactly you are in your "contract".  The beginning?  Perhaps this is the option for you.  Give it some time.  See if things settle down.  The middle?  It could really go either way.  Where do you see this "team" going?  Is there any real potential to win?  The end?  I've never been one for sticking around just because something is comfortable and familiar.  Who wants to waste their time on something that has never and probably will never work?   If you're at the ass end, it's probably time to venture into free agency.    

Retirement

While this seems like the best option when you're feeling down and out, you should probably save this option for last.  After all...40 is the new 20...60 the new 40...so on and so forth.  No need to step away from the game while you are still in your prime!


After years of being an option and a bench player (both in and out of a relationship), I've come to realize that I have way more to offer on the court than I do on the sidelines.  I've allowed others to place me on the bench as a "just in case".  Well, I'm putting the world on notice.  I won't be a second, third, or twelfth option!   I won't be the asshole who comes in only for a trick play or when all other options have dried up.  I will be THE option.  I don't need to lead the league in scoring.  I just need to be the number one option on my particular team.  Hopefully I didn't lose you with all my sports metaphors or bore you to death.  I just couldn't help but notice all the similarities between sports and relationships.

The Bottom Line: Too many options is a nightmare when you are a child.  Let a child have too many choices and they will either pick everything or nothing at all.  Sometimes it doesn't change when we grow up.  At times, we can be a bunch of semi-responsible extra large children.  It's unfortunate.  There are too many teams to play for in the world for you to just accept being the last of many options.

Shine like the star you are!  


   

It's Midnight. Now What?

I've written about facilitating your own fairy tale in my piece entitled:  Get Your Ass In The Pumpkin!!!!  So, what happens when you get in the pumpkin, show up for the big event with your brave face on, and the clock still has the nerve to strike midnight?

I can deal with the vanishing fancy clothes.  I can manage making my way around town in my own ride.  Hell, I've got enough flip-flops to keep me from really missing a stray shoe.  At the same time, what I can't seem to deal with is all the questions that inevitably follow.  Does anyone care enough to return my "shoe"?  How long will it take for "Prince Charming" to realize that's it's not normal to find one random shoe just lying around?  Is Prince Charming only interested in bangin me in the back of the pumpkin?  And here we go...Question after question, with not a real answer in sight.

Does the answer lie within?  Maybe I should be happy to have had one night with a Prince.  Perhaps I should just be grateful to be a part of a magical evening that not many people have the chance to experience.  I believe there is a balance to be found between complacency and contentment. I'm just not sure I understand how to achieve it.

While all my above ramblings seem metaphorical, the reality is that people all over the world struggle with with this issue every single time they open themselves up to someone they care about.  Everyone wants a happy ending.  Most people want to believe that love is possible, even in the most unlikely places. While I still wholeheartedly believe that a fairy tale takes effort, there are some things which are simply out of our control.


The Bottom Line:  While getting your ass in the pumpkin is important, one has to prepare for what happens next. We can't just plan for that one fairy tale moment in life.  We have to give consideration to what happens once the clock strikes midnight.  After all, who wants to be seen running all over town wearing rags?  

Groundhog Day

Human behavior is a very curious and ridiculous thing.  As children, we learn tough lessons about touching hot surfaces. We touch a hot pan or place our hand in the oven and instantly learn that we shouldn't touch things that are too hot. When I was growing up, I learned that if I talked back to my mother, I'd get my ass whipped.  The pain of the spanking was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow most days.  

When it comes to love and life in general, things tend to be remarkably different. We can make the same mistakes over and over and over again and we keep going right back for more.  We can even be privy to the past experiences of others and we couldn't care less.  Cautionary tales and sorted horror stories aren't even enough to prevent us from heading face-first into life's "brick walls".   

I've been told my entire life... "Everyone has to make their own mistakes."  As I get older, I can't help but ask... Why?  Why do we have to make our own mistakes?  Why don't we learn from the proof that is right before our eyes?  Is it arrogance?  Maybe we think that we are above making the same miscalculations that our predecessors did.  Perhaps it's a sense of inevitability that we give in to...I'm going to screw up anyway so why not?

As stupid as the notion that everyone HAS to make mistakes sounds, it seems to be some sort of "law" of nature.  I'm learning though, that there is a fine line between making your own mistakes and being fully engaged in your very own Groundhog Day.  

The Bottom Line:  As Samantha Jones from Sex and the City says: Have fun, just don't have amnesia.  Being doomed to repeat history is not the only option.  Perhaps we should walk the path of the shepherd rather than that of the sheep. 

Take a Brake

My Car's Brake Pad

(In my best Golden Girl Sophia Petrillo voice)  Picture it... Friday, September 14...I'm making my way to the park for my 3 mile run.  I pull up to my normal parking space and try to come to a stop.  My foot (and brake pedal) hit the floor.  My car keeps rolling.  Luckily, I wasn't going fast and there was nothing in front of me.  I was able to come to a stop using my emergency brake.  When my brake pedal hit the floor, I heard something that sounded like metal hit the ground.  I'd find out later it was my brake pad (shown above) or what was left of it anyway.  

I spent the entire weekend trapped in the house.  My mechanic was not available until Monday.  I had all sorts of plans.  They were all promptly canceled. I spent the entire weekend confined to my home like Lindsay Lohan or Martha Stewart (minus the sexy ankle bracelet).  In the hours that passed, I think I did more cleaning, organizing, and DVD watching than I'd done in the entire last year.  

During this sequestration, I also had way too much time to think.  It was painful at times.  In the week following the brake pad incident, I couldn't help but notice how rusty and greasy and gross it was (yes, I kept it lying around on my desk...don't judge me!).  To me, it looked exactly how that weekend at home felt.  Then it kind of clicked... The "brake break" was a good thing!  I'd finally come to realize that I needed that weekend.  I needed that moment for my world to stop spinning.  I needed the noise of being social to quiet.  I needed to face some things that I'd been ignoring.  Had I not been forced to stop, my personal revelations may have taken months to surface.  

As cliche as it sounds, sometimes we really do need the world around us to pause...the sports, the movies, the bars, the clubs, the parties, the dates, and the rest of the social butterfly routine.  Taking an extended moment to acknowledge our feelings, desires, fears, hopes, and dreams can be invaluable.  It can be invigorating.  It can be life-saving.  

The Bottom Line:

The next time you have to slam on your brakes, consider this...Sometimes the only way to get a break is to hit the brakes.  Remember, a break isn't a bad thing.  Not taking one can be.

Humans, Muhammad, and 100 Other Devils

Muhammad

Prophet of Islam

Muslim protesters all over the world are decrying the fact that Americans are disrespecting their religion and the "prophet Muhammad".   It's curious that as with every other religion on Earth, many people in the Islamic faith pick and choose which of their religious beliefs/laws they will adhere to.  I've grown tired of hearing how Islam is about peace when Muslims burn and destroy the world around them.  Religion (of any kind) has never been about peace.  It has always been about power.  Men, women, and children are killed, discriminated against, harassed, denigrated, shamed, manipulated, brainwashed, molested, lied to, subjected to war, and betrayed.  All this as a means to gain power.

It's about time people wake up and realize that there is only one way to god. The way to god lies within.  Your relationship with god is not a weapon.  It's not a tool.  It's not a pardon.  It's not an excuse.

The Bottom Line:
Jesus, Satan, and Muhammad all have more in common than people would like to admit.  The next time you sit down in your church pew, kneel at your local mosque, dance around the aisles, or "fall out in the spirit", consider this...

Religion was created by men, for men, to control and destroy men.

There is nothing godly about that.  

البشر، محمد، و 100 أخرى الشياطين

Muhammad

Prophet of Islam

محتجون مسلمون في جميع أنحاء العالم وشجب حقيقة أن الأميركيين عدم احترام دينهم و "النبي محمد". انها الغريب أن كل دين كما هو الحال مع آخر على وجه الأرض، كثير من الناس في العقيدة الإسلامية انتقاء واختيار أي من معتقداتهم الدينية / القوانين التي سوف تلتزم بها. لقد نمت أنا تعبت من سماع كيف أن الإسلام هو السلام عند المسلمين حرق وتدمير العالم من حولهم. الدين (من أي نوع) لم يكن أبدا عن السلام. فقد كان دائما عن السلطة. وقتل الرجال والنساء والأطفال، للتمييز والمضايقة، تسيء وأحرجت، التلاعب، غسيل دماغ، تحرش، كذب على، التعرض للحرب، وخيانة. كل هذا كوسيلة للوصول الى السلطة.

ولكن عن الناس الوقت تفيق وتدرك أنه لا يوجد سوى طريقة واحدة لإله. الطريق إلى الله يكمن داخل. علاقتك مع الله ليس سلاحا. انها ليست الأداة. انها ليست العفو. انها ليست عذرا.

خلاصة القول:
يسوع، الشيطان، ومحمد جميعا أكثر شيوعا مما في الناس يرغبون في الاعتراف به. في المرة القادمة التي تجلس في مقعد كنيسة الخاص بك، يركع في المسجد المحلي الخاص بك، والرقص حول الممرات، أو "تسقط في الروح"، والنظر في هذا ...

تم إنشاء الدين من قبل الرجال، للرجال، للسيطرة وتدمير الرجال.

لا يوجد شيء إلهي عن ذلك.

Stripped

Shown Above: Male Stripper by Marlene Dumas 1999

I had sex with a male stripper today.  Now, get that manure munching look off your face and continue reading.  Yes, you read correctly.  That, however, is not the point.  I make no apologies.  I say the things that need to be said.  Think what you will, I am now a firm believer in the saying "strippers need love too".

After what has seemed like way too long, I decided to allow myself to let loose and have a little responsible fun.  I met a stripper (dancer) who I will call "Peter".  I think that's appropriate.  Peter and I met via a social network app; but that's not important either.  What is important is that I got a first-hand look into the life of one of these mythical creatures.  These unicorns of night-life.  What I experienced left me a little sad and abundantly pensive.


I met a beautiful yet lonely soul.  I saw a man who was  clinging to boyhood.  I witnessed someone with hardly a friend in the world.  He was a person who, on the outside, was desirable beyond words; with eyes that could entrance anyone.  I saw someone who is an object of lust for many men...and a few confused women.  I met an individual who couldn't see his own worth.  This man had so much, yet not nearly enough.  I wondered, how does a person get to this point?  I could speculate for days.  I won't though.  

What I will take away from this experience is that there are many people in the world who are in desperate need of a loving influence in life.  Some people go about finding this in all the wrong ways.  Some spend the majority of their lives seeking this in the eyes and words of strangers.  Some, wade in the pool of familiarity, seeking the very same affirmation and love from those they know.  If one doesn't love one's self, one can quickly become none.

The Bottom Line: Sex with strippers may be shocking, laughable, or perhaps even disgusting.  I never back away from my decisions.  I never make excuses, nor do I have the desire to justify my very grown up life.  I will say that it turned out to be way more than hot sex.  It was a lesson in the power of love and the devastation that having no love can inflict.  Life is short.  Love yourself.  Don't get lost in another's eyes.

King of Kings

I have been an outspoken critic of organized religion for quite some time now.  Having been in church leadership, I've seen most everything.  What I witnessed today, however, blew me away.

A church filled to the brim with sweaty, irrational, mindless sheep stood cheering as a man was declared a "king".  It should also be noted that the song Prepare Ye The Way (Of Our Lord) was being played as the very-married, barely-legal boy-lover was ushered around on his bootleg Office Max throne.  The good "Rabbi" Ralph Messer randomly shouted in Hebrew to lend authenticity to this exercise in narcissism.  Add spot lights and a choir in the background practically foaming at the mouth and there you have it... a coronation ceremony.

See the entire coronation here...

This moment...this awful car-accident...couldn't be a better example of everything wrong in organized religion.  It's not completely "King" Eddie Long's fault.  He wouldn't be a "king" without subjects following him.  I don't know what scares me more; the fact that he has the nerve to allow this in the first place, or that so many people would blindly follow this man to destruction.  It's truly a toss-up.

I hope for Eddie Long's sake, that God has a better sense of humor about all this than I do.  Eddie looked quite nervous throughout. Maybe he was worried about his henchmen accidentally dropping him all over the stage...maybe he was secretly waiting for a giant lightning bolt to strike him in his giant forehead.  I guess we may never know.  I do know this much, that whole "I want to be like god" thing...didn't work out so well for Lucifer.

The Bottom Line:
Scandal Schmandal - When life hands you lemons, make yourself King.  I believe sheep everywhere should be offended by the comparisons made here today.

Blank

Have you ever wondered what Writer's Block looks like?  Well, here it is.  I've been at a loss for words for the better part of a few months now.  My last resort is to write about not being able to write.  I'm hoping this works like getting rid of a ghost.  Acknowledge it...then release it to the great beyond.  I can only hope it goes down like that.

The current situation I'm in did get me to thinking about sources for inspiration.  I wonder why it can be so hard to feel inspired during times of peace and quiet.  It seems that artists of all kinds produce their best work while stressed, depressed, oppressed, or something along those lines.  Why is it that tragedy brings out the best in us?  Great songs are penned while grief stricken.  You rarely hear a really great song about how perfect someone's life is.  Sports teams thrive under negative criticisms or while being the underdog (unless you are the Dallas Cowboys).  Does adversity bring out our inner superhero?  Do we need equal parts tragedy and triumph in order to maintain a certain acceptable level of greatness?  I'm not sure I have the answer.  I'm a thinker.  I like to ponder on subjects...meditate on them.  Maybe that's the source of my greatness.  Perhaps it's a signal that I'm in need of medication.  :-)  Who knows?  I've maintained for years now, that a balance in life is necessary.  I just never applied that logic to having a need for tragedy.  Maybe that's why we self-sabotage at times.  Could it be our spirits telling us that we are out of balance and perhaps low on adversity?

I feel as though this blocked moment is temporary for me.  Life is full of difficulty and lessons to be learned.  I'm pretty sure that something will pop up any day now and inspire the shit out of me!  Until then, I will accept where I am.  I will value the role hardship plays in my life.

I'm not sure I'd be who I am without it.

The Bottom Line:
None of us like adversity or tragedy.  When we make peace with the idea that it's a valuable part of life, we can begin to see it differently.  We can learn from our trials rather than let them destroy us.  After all, without a little adversity, we'd all be "blank pages".

Just Do It...Damn It!

What if the life you've always wanted was just one decision away?  What if you did even one thing every single day that took you down your dream path?  What would that look like? What would happen if you stopped dreaming and started doing?  These are all questions I've been asking myself recently.  I finally figured out that the answer is: Stop asking!  There is nothing more cliche or more true than the Nike slogan "Just Do It".   In an effort to avoid trivializing life's many hardships, I will admit that this is harder said than done.  The point is, however, that it can be done!

I know that I've spent way to much of the last 10 years dreaming about how I want my life to be.  That equals about 10 years that I've wasted not making it happen.  I've allowed circumstances and people to dictate the quality of my life.  I've forgotten that my dreams require action in order to come true.  As Kelly Clarkson put it, I've been "breaking my own heart".  You should never stop dreaming; but dreaming alone will never create the reality.  If you truly want something in life...go for it.  Do something...anything...to move you in that direction every single day.  One day you will wake up, look around, and realize... I'm where I want to be!

The Bottom Line:
Give the "seeds" that are your dreams the "water" of your actions.  Warm yourself in the "light" of inspiration and witness the growth!