Spring Forward

It's a beautiful fall day here in Texas.  My mind is on over-drive with thoughts of my future and of change.  About three months ago, I took my customary yearly birthday vacation.  This year's destination was Denver.  Leading up to this vacation, I'd been under tremendous and unrelenting stress from a major work project.  Most of my days were structured around the needs and desires of those driving the project.  My life wasn't my own.  By the time I got on the plane and headed out, I was in desperate need of down-time.

I've visited Denver only one other time.  That was during my college years.  When I was a very young child, my mom, step-dad, and I lived in Aurora for about two years.  I have memories of me playing in the snow, digging in the yard and finding bones, my mom and dad's gold Buick.  To this day, I can close my eyes and mentally walk through the apartment from room to room and remember every single thing and it's place.  A piece of Colorado has always remained within me... sleeping... waiting...hiding even.  This trip would change all that.

I spent the next eight days, wandering around the streets of Downtown Denver with little to no agenda.  I ate when I wanted.  I slept when I wanted.  I socialized when I wanted.  I was alone when I wanted.  It was simply amazing.  It's hard to describe the change which occurred in me during this trip; but I'll certainly try.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt at home.  I felt at peace.  I saw myself walking along the streets of Downtown well beyond my time there.  It's as if I'd literally bumped into myself while exploring the neighborhoods.

Once I was home, I couldn't shake this feeling that suddenly, I was a fish out of water.  All at once I no longer belonged where I'd always been.  It's a strange feeling to get on a plane headed home only to be certain you're leave your home behind.  I pondered the direction of my life for the next few weeks.  The Virgo in me tried desperately to explain away everything I was feeling.  The Virgo was not ready for the fight that my heart was about to put up.  My heart was in Denver.  My heart chose not to check in for my flight back to Texas.  My heart was still wandering the streets of Denver.  My heart put in a change of address.

As I lie on my couch one weekend, it finally became clear.  My life is not quite what I want it to be.  I've allowed myself to believe that the life I have is all I deserve.  I've tricked myself into believing that playing it safe is always the best course.  I've lied to myself about what I need and want during this short time I'm here with the rest of those on this planet.  I've accepted that at my age, it's time to drastically scale back on the dreaming.   "Who is this person?", I asked.  At what point did it simply become OK to exist?

The answers:  A person who has let life's pain scare the living shit out of him.  And, it's NOT OK to simply exist.

That's when I made the decision to move to Denver in the spring of 2015.  So with this, I've begun taking steps to get things in order.  While I don't have everything worked out just yet, Virgo is working hard to help make it happen.  And yeah, Virgo is finally putting his amazing talents to work for something that the Heart wants.  When those two work together, anything is possible.

The Bottom Line:  I know you probably thought I was going to get through this entire moment without addressing the fact that I've been absent from writing for over a year now.  For those who have been reading, you know I face everything head on; for better or worse.  I guess my heart just needed some time to find the right path again.  Sometimes when you spend to much time "talking" you can't hear the quiet pleadings of the heart for the noise of your mind.  I took that time to remain quiet and wait.  Here's what I learned...

You can either dream about your dreams or simply go live them.  While the path to your dreams may be filled with everything from tragedy to ecstasy, at least be on that path.  Don't let life's pain and practicality color grey what should be full of bright colors.  Resist the temptation to let people or circumstances convince you that you should be happy living in eternal Winter when there are three other seasons for you to experience.  There's a time to fall back; and there's a time to spring forward.

Don't ignore the spring.

Groundhog Day

Human behavior is a very curious and ridiculous thing.  As children, we learn tough lessons about touching hot surfaces. We touch a hot pan or place our hand in the oven and instantly learn that we shouldn't touch things that are too hot. When I was growing up, I learned that if I talked back to my mother, I'd get my ass whipped.  The pain of the spanking was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow most days.  

When it comes to love and life in general, things tend to be remarkably different. We can make the same mistakes over and over and over again and we keep going right back for more.  We can even be privy to the past experiences of others and we couldn't care less.  Cautionary tales and sorted horror stories aren't even enough to prevent us from heading face-first into life's "brick walls".   

I've been told my entire life... "Everyone has to make their own mistakes."  As I get older, I can't help but ask... Why?  Why do we have to make our own mistakes?  Why don't we learn from the proof that is right before our eyes?  Is it arrogance?  Maybe we think that we are above making the same miscalculations that our predecessors did.  Perhaps it's a sense of inevitability that we give in to...I'm going to screw up anyway so why not?

As stupid as the notion that everyone HAS to make mistakes sounds, it seems to be some sort of "law" of nature.  I'm learning though, that there is a fine line between making your own mistakes and being fully engaged in your very own Groundhog Day.  

The Bottom Line:  As Samantha Jones from Sex and the City says: Have fun, just don't have amnesia.  Being doomed to repeat history is not the only option.  Perhaps we should walk the path of the shepherd rather than that of the sheep. 

Stripped

Shown Above: Male Stripper by Marlene Dumas 1999

I had sex with a male stripper today.  Now, get that manure munching look off your face and continue reading.  Yes, you read correctly.  That, however, is not the point.  I make no apologies.  I say the things that need to be said.  Think what you will, I am now a firm believer in the saying "strippers need love too".

After what has seemed like way too long, I decided to allow myself to let loose and have a little responsible fun.  I met a stripper (dancer) who I will call "Peter".  I think that's appropriate.  Peter and I met via a social network app; but that's not important either.  What is important is that I got a first-hand look into the life of one of these mythical creatures.  These unicorns of night-life.  What I experienced left me a little sad and abundantly pensive.


I met a beautiful yet lonely soul.  I saw a man who was  clinging to boyhood.  I witnessed someone with hardly a friend in the world.  He was a person who, on the outside, was desirable beyond words; with eyes that could entrance anyone.  I saw someone who is an object of lust for many men...and a few confused women.  I met an individual who couldn't see his own worth.  This man had so much, yet not nearly enough.  I wondered, how does a person get to this point?  I could speculate for days.  I won't though.  

What I will take away from this experience is that there are many people in the world who are in desperate need of a loving influence in life.  Some people go about finding this in all the wrong ways.  Some spend the majority of their lives seeking this in the eyes and words of strangers.  Some, wade in the pool of familiarity, seeking the very same affirmation and love from those they know.  If one doesn't love one's self, one can quickly become none.

The Bottom Line: Sex with strippers may be shocking, laughable, or perhaps even disgusting.  I never back away from my decisions.  I never make excuses, nor do I have the desire to justify my very grown up life.  I will say that it turned out to be way more than hot sex.  It was a lesson in the power of love and the devastation that having no love can inflict.  Life is short.  Love yourself.  Don't get lost in another's eyes.