Spring Forward

It's a beautiful fall day here in Texas.  My mind is on over-drive with thoughts of my future and of change.  About three months ago, I took my customary yearly birthday vacation.  This year's destination was Denver.  Leading up to this vacation, I'd been under tremendous and unrelenting stress from a major work project.  Most of my days were structured around the needs and desires of those driving the project.  My life wasn't my own.  By the time I got on the plane and headed out, I was in desperate need of down-time.

I've visited Denver only one other time.  That was during my college years.  When I was a very young child, my mom, step-dad, and I lived in Aurora for about two years.  I have memories of me playing in the snow, digging in the yard and finding bones, my mom and dad's gold Buick.  To this day, I can close my eyes and mentally walk through the apartment from room to room and remember every single thing and it's place.  A piece of Colorado has always remained within me... sleeping... waiting...hiding even.  This trip would change all that.

I spent the next eight days, wandering around the streets of Downtown Denver with little to no agenda.  I ate when I wanted.  I slept when I wanted.  I socialized when I wanted.  I was alone when I wanted.  It was simply amazing.  It's hard to describe the change which occurred in me during this trip; but I'll certainly try.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt at home.  I felt at peace.  I saw myself walking along the streets of Downtown well beyond my time there.  It's as if I'd literally bumped into myself while exploring the neighborhoods.

Once I was home, I couldn't shake this feeling that suddenly, I was a fish out of water.  All at once I no longer belonged where I'd always been.  It's a strange feeling to get on a plane headed home only to be certain you're leave your home behind.  I pondered the direction of my life for the next few weeks.  The Virgo in me tried desperately to explain away everything I was feeling.  The Virgo was not ready for the fight that my heart was about to put up.  My heart was in Denver.  My heart chose not to check in for my flight back to Texas.  My heart was still wandering the streets of Denver.  My heart put in a change of address.

As I lie on my couch one weekend, it finally became clear.  My life is not quite what I want it to be.  I've allowed myself to believe that the life I have is all I deserve.  I've tricked myself into believing that playing it safe is always the best course.  I've lied to myself about what I need and want during this short time I'm here with the rest of those on this planet.  I've accepted that at my age, it's time to drastically scale back on the dreaming.   "Who is this person?", I asked.  At what point did it simply become OK to exist?

The answers:  A person who has let life's pain scare the living shit out of him.  And, it's NOT OK to simply exist.

That's when I made the decision to move to Denver in the spring of 2015.  So with this, I've begun taking steps to get things in order.  While I don't have everything worked out just yet, Virgo is working hard to help make it happen.  And yeah, Virgo is finally putting his amazing talents to work for something that the Heart wants.  When those two work together, anything is possible.

The Bottom Line:  I know you probably thought I was going to get through this entire moment without addressing the fact that I've been absent from writing for over a year now.  For those who have been reading, you know I face everything head on; for better or worse.  I guess my heart just needed some time to find the right path again.  Sometimes when you spend to much time "talking" you can't hear the quiet pleadings of the heart for the noise of your mind.  I took that time to remain quiet and wait.  Here's what I learned...

You can either dream about your dreams or simply go live them.  While the path to your dreams may be filled with everything from tragedy to ecstasy, at least be on that path.  Don't let life's pain and practicality color grey what should be full of bright colors.  Resist the temptation to let people or circumstances convince you that you should be happy living in eternal Winter when there are three other seasons for you to experience.  There's a time to fall back; and there's a time to spring forward.

Don't ignore the spring.

Trash Bag

For those of you who've been taking out the trash since you were a kid like I have been; you will probably recall the many struggles you had trying to get the oftentimes overstuffed plastic bag to break free from the trash can.  Ahhh the good ole days...torn handles, ripped bags, the things you spent all week shoving into the dark have now spilled out on the floor for all to see.  What's worse is that many times you were not only forced to SEE all your gross trash, but also forced to touch it after it has become decomposed and slimy!  I found myself nearly thrust back to those very moments this morning.  While half asleep, I thought to myself, "now would be a great time to take out the trash".  Who does that?  At any rate, there I was trying to pry out a bloated bag of trash from what seemed like a trash can that didn't want to say goodbye just yet.  Then as the sleepy fog shifted just a bit, I remembered that if you just lift up on the bag slowly and kind of just hold the bag and can up in the air just a bit...then pause; the can will usually just slide off on its own.  It's not a method for the impatient (which I can be), but highly effective for avoiding a trashy debacle. 

This, of course, got me thinking.  Because why wouldn't trash inspire me at the crack of dawn?  Isn't that like life?  Over the years we get stuffed with trash...bad choices, bad exes, bad habits, bad ideas, bad clothes, bad behavior, or bad hair days.  Life's trash bag gets swollen and bloated to the point that the walls of our being or soul become tightly pressed up against it.  Most of us will take out the trash from time to time, but how effective are we at managing our trash?  

Do we cram all our trash in until we can't anymore, then forcefully try to rip it out in a hurry?  Perhaps, we end up having to remove some of the trash and place it in another bag so we can somehow manage to get it out.  Or just maybe some of us turn the whole can over in an attempt to free ourselves of the trash in our lives.  Worse yet, perhaps we just leave the trash, hoping that someone else will take it out for us.  In my moment of sleepy diligence, I was reminded that a little patience and planning go a long way.  

The Bottom Line:
When it comes to life's trash, don't let your trash get too full in the first place.  Take your trash out regularly.  Don't try to rip it out too fast and risk spilling your trash all over the place. Don't expect other to take out your trash.  And for god's sake...don't take out your trash while you are half asleep!  

Power Nigger

David Ross Jackson

Now that I have the title of my article out of the way, I will make sure I set an iPhone appointment reminder for the year 2040 so that I can remember to expect a complete over-reaction from the world around me for having typed the word "nigger" today.  

(This is a Paula Deen reference for those who have been sequestered on a jury or living under a rock.)

I'd like to take a moment to point out a few critical facts:

• My heritage is African-American, Scottish, and Cherokee.
• I've been a victim of racism directed at me from both black and white people.
• I've been called a nigger by both white and black people.  
• Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Are we clear?  Good.  Moving on...

Let me further clarify, words of any kind, which are said from a place of hatred should not be met with indifference.  I do, however, believe that American society will never be able to move past true racism because we simply choose to focus on words and censorship rather than love and education.  We choose to give certain words power rather than being the living example of true power.  We hold all the power to ending racism, but refuse to use it.  Think about it in the simplest of terms.  If children on a playground are calling another child names and that child exhibits ZERO reaction to the name-calling; 9 times out of 10, the name calling will end.  It's really no different with racist words.  

I truly believe that evolving beyond race and racism in this country will work in the same way.  If we all stop choosing to be offended by a word, then perhaps it will stop being offensive and by default stop being used.  It seems overly simple right?  Well...perhaps it is.  As much as we all like to think we can control what others say or feel; the simple truth is, we can only change the way we react.  

I wont continue to dwell on this subject because I believe "dwelling" is the root issue.  We want to dwell on the past.  We want to lie down and take a long nap in past racism.  Does racism still exist, of course it does.  I have no delusions.  Am I going to give another's words power over my very life?  No. 

The Bottom Line:

An offensive word doesn't exist without offense. Am I suggesting everyone run around screaming "nigger" at the top of their lungs while grocery shopping?  Hell no!  I am fairly sure we are not all evolved enough to endure that.  I am suggesting that we all take a gigantic fucking deep breath and stop over-reacting at every turn.  Only god, or the universe, or perhaps only one's self, can really judge one's heart.  Give weight to one's actions rather than one's words.  After all...

Anyone can say "nigger", but not just anyone can be one. 

Origin of NIGGER

Alteration of earlier neger, 

From Middle French negre, 

From Spanish or Portuguese negro, 

From Latin niger

Alternatives

As I enjoy the first day of true heat this year, I'm left to consider why some gay men and women turn to the shade of a closet for relief from life's "heat".  There are certain things I don't understand and some that I understand all too well.  I do understand feeling the need to be in a closet.  I do not understand the idea that it's somehow OK to run in and out of one.


It should be noted that I spent much of my life in the closet and consider myself an expert on the matter.  I normally shy away from labeling myself an expert on any subject because I know two things without question.  One, things always change.  Two, I don't know everything there is to know about everything.  The "closet" however, I know.  I didn't see it while I was in there.  I also had no contact with anyone on the outside with the balls (or vag) to tell me that how I was living was a sham.  When you are locked inside a dark closet, it starts to feel less like a closet and more like a safe place to be.  It's not until you come out of it, turn around and look at it from the outside, that you finally realize what a shitty little space it is.

There are, however, two types of closet people.

The person who enters the closet and barricades the door.  

This was my closet.  This person has some sense of what is it is they are dealing with internally; but because of various factors (e.g. family, religion, work, religion, society, religion, racial culture, or religion) choose to ignore or deny it as much as humanly possible.  Yes, I'm aware I typed religion several times.  It's for dramatic effect but VERY true in many cases.  That's a subject for a different day.  Anyway, this person, on some level, knows exactly what is going on but chooses to live life as they believe they should or can.  They make no efforts to identify as gay.

The person who treats the closet like a 

man-cave or lady lounge.

This person lives two lives.  By sunDAY, they are perhaps righteous, god-fearing individuals.  At the very least they are people who appear "normal" to those that know them.  Monday through Saturday they fuck anything of the same sex that moves and have an intricate network of gay acquaintances and friends.  They are gay when it's OK to be gay and then they hop back in the closet just in time to pick out clothes for Sunday service.

It's the latter group of people mentioned here that, quite honestly, irritate the shit out of me.  I don't mean to sound insensitive to the plight of those who find themselves in a true sense of desperation and isolation.  After all, I used to BE that person.  I take exception to those men and women who treat being gay like some really ugly man or woman whom they have great sex with but refuse to introduce to friends and family.  These are not your typical lost souls.  These are skilled architects who build a life full of trap doors and secret passageways in and out of the closet.  These are people, in my opinion, who are too cowardly to face life as they truly are.  They lack the bravery, honesty, and resilience that millions of gay, lesbian, bi, and transgendered people have shown before them.  WHO they are depends largely upon where you meet them.  Whatever you do, don't try to follow them into the closet.  You're almost certainly not invited.

The Bottom Line:
There is no noble alternative to being true.
History is littered with both the brave and the cowards.
Which will you be?

If you're not brave enough to come out of the closet, be brave enough to stop running in and out of it until you are ready to accept yourself no matter the cost.  Turning it into a game of lies where the only losers are those around you is a shameful waste of a life.  It's OK to be you.  Just have the guts to decide which YOU that will be.  There were a few people in my life who knew about my closet.  I wish any one of them would have cared enough to say to me what I've said here today.

Bar None

So, it’s a “late spring in January” kind of a day here in my hometown.  I’m wearing a tank-top and it feels amazing.  I started out with lunch.  As a sat on the patio relaxing and enjoying something called a chicken cheeseburger, I couldn’t help but notice all the people gathering at the bar across the street...a bar that I’ve been to more times than I care to admit.  

It’s interesting how the bars play such a huge role in my people’s culture.  By “my people”, I’m referring to the gays.  I’ve struggled over the years to understand why bars seem to be the only place we like to congregate.  I don’t really care for the bars.  So, of course I packed up my laptop and decided to plop down right in the middle of one!  I’ve made a habit of forcing myself into awkward scenarios in an effort to keep my mind outside the box.  Trust me when I say that typing away in the middle of a meat market is highly awkward!  So, I pulled out my laptop and began observing and writing.  I think I’ve been able to categorize the things I’ve seen today...

The Social Queens - 

These are the guys who show up just to be seen.  This is as much a production as anything you would ever see on broadway.  Hair is sprayed into submission.  Clothes are two sizes too small.  On a side note, that baby Gap look only works on 1 out of every 20 gay men.  The social queens are laughing at things that aren’t funny, throwing back drinks faster than the bartender can pour, and generally doing everything short of setting off fireworks in an effort to be noticed.  

The Sex Queens - 

I think we all know what these folks are doing.  Ummm yeah...looking for sex.  They are the least complicated individuals in all of gaydom.  

The Drag Queens - 

Albeit they are not typically “made up”, you can always spot them by their high-arched eyebrows and affinity for comfy sweatpants.  You can also spot that “I took off all my makeup at about 4am this morning” look.  Hey, I’m not making this up.  

The Sporty Queens - 

These are the ones who want to accentuate every muscle in their overly worked out, usually out-of-proportion bodies.  Think top-heavy...90 inch chest and legs you could clean small pipes with.  It’s amazing that they have time to even make it to a bar considering they are always propped up on a bench-press machine.  

The Old Queens - 

I have an agreement with my best friend to have him stab me in the face if I ever find myself in this group.  These are the men of considerable age who have never quite found a life outside a bar.  My cut off age is currently 45.  45 is the LAST age.  If I should feel the need to adjust the age, it would be younger...not older.  

The “In Love” Queens - 

These are the ones who are with the “man of the moment”; proudly displaying each other like Grammy awards on a shelf.  They will be broken up after about two months of hot sex and one-too-many date nights at the bar.  

The Bottom Line:

Queens come and go, but the bars...they are forever.  While I don’t pretend to completely understand the correlation between gay life and the clubs and bars; I know that in some fashion it’s our haven...our little slice of the world where we can completely be ourselves without fear of judgement (this excludes fashion judgement).  I suppose at some point I will just stop trying to figure out the bar crowd and resolve that much like Republican nominees for President, it’s a necessary evil.  ;-)  

The Dark Side of the Moon

It's a cool Saturday in a city just outside Atlanta.  I'm sitting in a hotel room trying to figure out how I'm going to write the words that will follow this sentence.  I'm all about giving my readers the moment and the truth; but this promises to be one of the more difficult things that I've written.

A few days prior to my 30th birthday, life was good.  I had a huge birthday bash planned.  My boyfriend at the time was handling all the arrangements.  I even had a decent and balanced perspective on turning 30.  I had managed to avoid wanting to hang myself from the ceiling fan or the shower rod because I was "getting old".  Other than being a little under the weather, I was doing well.  I decided to go see my family doctor for a check-up.  In general, I felt great so I didn't think much of it.  I'd always go in on a weekday, mid-morning, and always get my check-up results back the very next afternoon.  They were very efficient that way.

The following day, I called in for my results.  The blood work was still in a pending status.  The next day was the same.  On the third day, I spoke to my very favorite nurse over the phone.  She wasn't her usual outrageous and playful self.  Her voice was quiet and troubled.  She said, "Honey, when can you come in to see the doctor?".  Not being one to drag my feet, I made an appointment.  While she didn't tell me anything over the phone, I somehow knew what was unfolding before me.  About five days passed before I was able to make it in for my appointment.   I went alone.  My nurse and doctor came into the room and told me something that would change my life forever.  "David, we ran all your standard blood work.  You tested positive for HIV."  The words just hung there like a London fog.  My favorite nurse held my hand as tears rolled down my face.  The doctor began explaining the next steps but most of his words were just washed away with my tears.  

I've only ever cried so much one other time in my life.  I honestly don't remember the days in between the news and telling my boyfriend.  I was a mess on the inside.  Some who already know my story, have said that I am a remarkably strong person.  I don't really feel strong, but then again, this kind of strength is not the kind that advertises itself with fanfare.

I guess I decided to share this very personal part of my life for a few reasons.  As with any major life trial, one can feel desperate and alone.  I wouldn't wish the feelings I experienced during that time on anyone.  I've refrained from telling many people because of the stigma that goes along with having HIV.  I wish people were more educated but as with many things in life, until it affects you, you pay it no attention.  So, after making my way out of the "I'm gay" closet, I felt forced into yet another.

Here is what I'd like you all to take away from this moment that I've shared with you...

For those of you who have been diagnosed... You are not alone!  Find someone to talk to; perhaps a professional or a friend you can trust.  Don't go through this alone.  This hurts in a way that does not compare to many things.  Know that when the dust settles on your diagnosis, you will feel like living again.  You will thrive.  You will feel loved again.  Walk toward the light and know that while it may take some time to feel...normal...that time will come.

For those who don't know much about HIV or AIDS...  Google it.  Talk about it.  Understand it.  Life is entirely too short to think it couldn't happen to you or someone that you love.  You should also know that it's no longer a death sentence!  Provided I can reduce my road-rage, I will outlive most of those reading this...trust and believe!  You must understand how it's contracted, how to prevent it, and how to support those in your life who have it.  Stop being afraid of what you don't understand and  dispense with falling back on ignorance as an excuse for poor attitudes.

The Bottom Line:
At one time, having HIV felt like being on the dark side of the moon.  I was lonely and isolated.  I felt the cold of mortality creeping in.  Honestly, I felt like trash.  It felt like the end of dating.  It felt like the end of love and happiness.  It felt like the end of my life.  Once the fog lifted and I made the choice to educate myself and to keep on living; I was able to see that nothing could be further from the truth.  Have things changed?  Of course!  It has taken me a great deal of time, but I am finally finding the purpose in all this.  I hope that my story will inspire you to approach yourself and others with love and compassion.  HIV positive or not, we are all going through something and could benefit from the light of love.


Click here to learn about HIV.

The Bench

In the highly competitive world of dating and relationships, have you ever found yourself feeling like you are constantly coming off the bench?  Do you get the sneaky feeling that you are a back-up, a last resort, or a role player?  The "role" being that of a booty call or perhaps something that just feels comfortable...you know...like an extra large raggedy sweat shirt.  What happens when you look up one day and find yourself at what seems like the very end of the bench?  Don't worry yourself with how the hell you got there.  Just ask yourself... How the fuck do I get back in the game?


There are a few ways that I can see...

The Trade

Put the time into bettering yourself.  Work on your "shot".  Wait until you're ready for free-agency and then get the hell off the team!  You have something to offer.  You have skills that have yet to be discovered.  Take your talents to South Beach like LeBron James if necessary, but GET OUT!  Why be on the bench with one team when you can be the star on a team that appreciates all that you bring to the table?

Sign an Extension

Look, this all depends on where exactly you are in your "contract".  The beginning?  Perhaps this is the option for you.  Give it some time.  See if things settle down.  The middle?  It could really go either way.  Where do you see this "team" going?  Is there any real potential to win?  The end?  I've never been one for sticking around just because something is comfortable and familiar.  Who wants to waste their time on something that has never and probably will never work?   If you're at the ass end, it's probably time to venture into free agency.    

Retirement

While this seems like the best option when you're feeling down and out, you should probably save this option for last.  After all...40 is the new 20...60 the new 40...so on and so forth.  No need to step away from the game while you are still in your prime!


After years of being an option and a bench player (both in and out of a relationship), I've come to realize that I have way more to offer on the court than I do on the sidelines.  I've allowed others to place me on the bench as a "just in case".  Well, I'm putting the world on notice.  I won't be a second, third, or twelfth option!   I won't be the asshole who comes in only for a trick play or when all other options have dried up.  I will be THE option.  I don't need to lead the league in scoring.  I just need to be the number one option on my particular team.  Hopefully I didn't lose you with all my sports metaphors or bore you to death.  I just couldn't help but notice all the similarities between sports and relationships.

The Bottom Line: Too many options is a nightmare when you are a child.  Let a child have too many choices and they will either pick everything or nothing at all.  Sometimes it doesn't change when we grow up.  At times, we can be a bunch of semi-responsible extra large children.  It's unfortunate.  There are too many teams to play for in the world for you to just accept being the last of many options.

Shine like the star you are!  


   

It's Midnight. Now What?

I've written about facilitating your own fairy tale in my piece entitled:  Get Your Ass In The Pumpkin!!!!  So, what happens when you get in the pumpkin, show up for the big event with your brave face on, and the clock still has the nerve to strike midnight?

I can deal with the vanishing fancy clothes.  I can manage making my way around town in my own ride.  Hell, I've got enough flip-flops to keep me from really missing a stray shoe.  At the same time, what I can't seem to deal with is all the questions that inevitably follow.  Does anyone care enough to return my "shoe"?  How long will it take for "Prince Charming" to realize that's it's not normal to find one random shoe just lying around?  Is Prince Charming only interested in bangin me in the back of the pumpkin?  And here we go...Question after question, with not a real answer in sight.

Does the answer lie within?  Maybe I should be happy to have had one night with a Prince.  Perhaps I should just be grateful to be a part of a magical evening that not many people have the chance to experience.  I believe there is a balance to be found between complacency and contentment. I'm just not sure I understand how to achieve it.

While all my above ramblings seem metaphorical, the reality is that people all over the world struggle with with this issue every single time they open themselves up to someone they care about.  Everyone wants a happy ending.  Most people want to believe that love is possible, even in the most unlikely places. While I still wholeheartedly believe that a fairy tale takes effort, there are some things which are simply out of our control.


The Bottom Line:  While getting your ass in the pumpkin is important, one has to prepare for what happens next. We can't just plan for that one fairy tale moment in life.  We have to give consideration to what happens once the clock strikes midnight.  After all, who wants to be seen running all over town wearing rags?  

Groundhog Day

Human behavior is a very curious and ridiculous thing.  As children, we learn tough lessons about touching hot surfaces. We touch a hot pan or place our hand in the oven and instantly learn that we shouldn't touch things that are too hot. When I was growing up, I learned that if I talked back to my mother, I'd get my ass whipped.  The pain of the spanking was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow most days.  

When it comes to love and life in general, things tend to be remarkably different. We can make the same mistakes over and over and over again and we keep going right back for more.  We can even be privy to the past experiences of others and we couldn't care less.  Cautionary tales and sorted horror stories aren't even enough to prevent us from heading face-first into life's "brick walls".   

I've been told my entire life... "Everyone has to make their own mistakes."  As I get older, I can't help but ask... Why?  Why do we have to make our own mistakes?  Why don't we learn from the proof that is right before our eyes?  Is it arrogance?  Maybe we think that we are above making the same miscalculations that our predecessors did.  Perhaps it's a sense of inevitability that we give in to...I'm going to screw up anyway so why not?

As stupid as the notion that everyone HAS to make mistakes sounds, it seems to be some sort of "law" of nature.  I'm learning though, that there is a fine line between making your own mistakes and being fully engaged in your very own Groundhog Day.  

The Bottom Line:  As Samantha Jones from Sex and the City says: Have fun, just don't have amnesia.  Being doomed to repeat history is not the only option.  Perhaps we should walk the path of the shepherd rather than that of the sheep. 

Take a Brake

My Car's Brake Pad

(In my best Golden Girl Sophia Petrillo voice)  Picture it... Friday, September 14...I'm making my way to the park for my 3 mile run.  I pull up to my normal parking space and try to come to a stop.  My foot (and brake pedal) hit the floor.  My car keeps rolling.  Luckily, I wasn't going fast and there was nothing in front of me.  I was able to come to a stop using my emergency brake.  When my brake pedal hit the floor, I heard something that sounded like metal hit the ground.  I'd find out later it was my brake pad (shown above) or what was left of it anyway.  

I spent the entire weekend trapped in the house.  My mechanic was not available until Monday.  I had all sorts of plans.  They were all promptly canceled. I spent the entire weekend confined to my home like Lindsay Lohan or Martha Stewart (minus the sexy ankle bracelet).  In the hours that passed, I think I did more cleaning, organizing, and DVD watching than I'd done in the entire last year.  

During this sequestration, I also had way too much time to think.  It was painful at times.  In the week following the brake pad incident, I couldn't help but notice how rusty and greasy and gross it was (yes, I kept it lying around on my desk...don't judge me!).  To me, it looked exactly how that weekend at home felt.  Then it kind of clicked... The "brake break" was a good thing!  I'd finally come to realize that I needed that weekend.  I needed that moment for my world to stop spinning.  I needed the noise of being social to quiet.  I needed to face some things that I'd been ignoring.  Had I not been forced to stop, my personal revelations may have taken months to surface.  

As cliche as it sounds, sometimes we really do need the world around us to pause...the sports, the movies, the bars, the clubs, the parties, the dates, and the rest of the social butterfly routine.  Taking an extended moment to acknowledge our feelings, desires, fears, hopes, and dreams can be invaluable.  It can be invigorating.  It can be life-saving.  

The Bottom Line:

The next time you have to slam on your brakes, consider this...Sometimes the only way to get a break is to hit the brakes.  Remember, a break isn't a bad thing.  Not taking one can be.

Humans, Muhammad, and 100 Other Devils

Muhammad

Prophet of Islam

Muslim protesters all over the world are decrying the fact that Americans are disrespecting their religion and the "prophet Muhammad".   It's curious that as with every other religion on Earth, many people in the Islamic faith pick and choose which of their religious beliefs/laws they will adhere to.  I've grown tired of hearing how Islam is about peace when Muslims burn and destroy the world around them.  Religion (of any kind) has never been about peace.  It has always been about power.  Men, women, and children are killed, discriminated against, harassed, denigrated, shamed, manipulated, brainwashed, molested, lied to, subjected to war, and betrayed.  All this as a means to gain power.

It's about time people wake up and realize that there is only one way to god. The way to god lies within.  Your relationship with god is not a weapon.  It's not a tool.  It's not a pardon.  It's not an excuse.

The Bottom Line:
Jesus, Satan, and Muhammad all have more in common than people would like to admit.  The next time you sit down in your church pew, kneel at your local mosque, dance around the aisles, or "fall out in the spirit", consider this...

Religion was created by men, for men, to control and destroy men.

There is nothing godly about that.  

البشر، محمد، و 100 أخرى الشياطين

Muhammad

Prophet of Islam

محتجون مسلمون في جميع أنحاء العالم وشجب حقيقة أن الأميركيين عدم احترام دينهم و "النبي محمد". انها الغريب أن كل دين كما هو الحال مع آخر على وجه الأرض، كثير من الناس في العقيدة الإسلامية انتقاء واختيار أي من معتقداتهم الدينية / القوانين التي سوف تلتزم بها. لقد نمت أنا تعبت من سماع كيف أن الإسلام هو السلام عند المسلمين حرق وتدمير العالم من حولهم. الدين (من أي نوع) لم يكن أبدا عن السلام. فقد كان دائما عن السلطة. وقتل الرجال والنساء والأطفال، للتمييز والمضايقة، تسيء وأحرجت، التلاعب، غسيل دماغ، تحرش، كذب على، التعرض للحرب، وخيانة. كل هذا كوسيلة للوصول الى السلطة.

ولكن عن الناس الوقت تفيق وتدرك أنه لا يوجد سوى طريقة واحدة لإله. الطريق إلى الله يكمن داخل. علاقتك مع الله ليس سلاحا. انها ليست الأداة. انها ليست العفو. انها ليست عذرا.

خلاصة القول:
يسوع، الشيطان، ومحمد جميعا أكثر شيوعا مما في الناس يرغبون في الاعتراف به. في المرة القادمة التي تجلس في مقعد كنيسة الخاص بك، يركع في المسجد المحلي الخاص بك، والرقص حول الممرات، أو "تسقط في الروح"، والنظر في هذا ...

تم إنشاء الدين من قبل الرجال، للرجال، للسيطرة وتدمير الرجال.

لا يوجد شيء إلهي عن ذلك.

Stripped

Shown Above: Male Stripper by Marlene Dumas 1999

I had sex with a male stripper today.  Now, get that manure munching look off your face and continue reading.  Yes, you read correctly.  That, however, is not the point.  I make no apologies.  I say the things that need to be said.  Think what you will, I am now a firm believer in the saying "strippers need love too".

After what has seemed like way too long, I decided to allow myself to let loose and have a little responsible fun.  I met a stripper (dancer) who I will call "Peter".  I think that's appropriate.  Peter and I met via a social network app; but that's not important either.  What is important is that I got a first-hand look into the life of one of these mythical creatures.  These unicorns of night-life.  What I experienced left me a little sad and abundantly pensive.


I met a beautiful yet lonely soul.  I saw a man who was  clinging to boyhood.  I witnessed someone with hardly a friend in the world.  He was a person who, on the outside, was desirable beyond words; with eyes that could entrance anyone.  I saw someone who is an object of lust for many men...and a few confused women.  I met an individual who couldn't see his own worth.  This man had so much, yet not nearly enough.  I wondered, how does a person get to this point?  I could speculate for days.  I won't though.  

What I will take away from this experience is that there are many people in the world who are in desperate need of a loving influence in life.  Some people go about finding this in all the wrong ways.  Some spend the majority of their lives seeking this in the eyes and words of strangers.  Some, wade in the pool of familiarity, seeking the very same affirmation and love from those they know.  If one doesn't love one's self, one can quickly become none.

The Bottom Line: Sex with strippers may be shocking, laughable, or perhaps even disgusting.  I never back away from my decisions.  I never make excuses, nor do I have the desire to justify my very grown up life.  I will say that it turned out to be way more than hot sex.  It was a lesson in the power of love and the devastation that having no love can inflict.  Life is short.  Love yourself.  Don't get lost in another's eyes.

King of Kings

I have been an outspoken critic of organized religion for quite some time now.  Having been in church leadership, I've seen most everything.  What I witnessed today, however, blew me away.

A church filled to the brim with sweaty, irrational, mindless sheep stood cheering as a man was declared a "king".  It should also be noted that the song Prepare Ye The Way (Of Our Lord) was being played as the very-married, barely-legal boy-lover was ushered around on his bootleg Office Max throne.  The good "Rabbi" Ralph Messer randomly shouted in Hebrew to lend authenticity to this exercise in narcissism.  Add spot lights and a choir in the background practically foaming at the mouth and there you have it... a coronation ceremony.

See the entire coronation here...

This moment...this awful car-accident...couldn't be a better example of everything wrong in organized religion.  It's not completely "King" Eddie Long's fault.  He wouldn't be a "king" without subjects following him.  I don't know what scares me more; the fact that he has the nerve to allow this in the first place, or that so many people would blindly follow this man to destruction.  It's truly a toss-up.

I hope for Eddie Long's sake, that God has a better sense of humor about all this than I do.  Eddie looked quite nervous throughout. Maybe he was worried about his henchmen accidentally dropping him all over the stage...maybe he was secretly waiting for a giant lightning bolt to strike him in his giant forehead.  I guess we may never know.  I do know this much, that whole "I want to be like god" thing...didn't work out so well for Lucifer.

The Bottom Line:
Scandal Schmandal - When life hands you lemons, make yourself King.  I believe sheep everywhere should be offended by the comparisons made here today.

Blank

Have you ever wondered what Writer's Block looks like?  Well, here it is.  I've been at a loss for words for the better part of a few months now.  My last resort is to write about not being able to write.  I'm hoping this works like getting rid of a ghost.  Acknowledge it...then release it to the great beyond.  I can only hope it goes down like that.

The current situation I'm in did get me to thinking about sources for inspiration.  I wonder why it can be so hard to feel inspired during times of peace and quiet.  It seems that artists of all kinds produce their best work while stressed, depressed, oppressed, or something along those lines.  Why is it that tragedy brings out the best in us?  Great songs are penned while grief stricken.  You rarely hear a really great song about how perfect someone's life is.  Sports teams thrive under negative criticisms or while being the underdog (unless you are the Dallas Cowboys).  Does adversity bring out our inner superhero?  Do we need equal parts tragedy and triumph in order to maintain a certain acceptable level of greatness?  I'm not sure I have the answer.  I'm a thinker.  I like to ponder on subjects...meditate on them.  Maybe that's the source of my greatness.  Perhaps it's a signal that I'm in need of medication.  :-)  Who knows?  I've maintained for years now, that a balance in life is necessary.  I just never applied that logic to having a need for tragedy.  Maybe that's why we self-sabotage at times.  Could it be our spirits telling us that we are out of balance and perhaps low on adversity?

I feel as though this blocked moment is temporary for me.  Life is full of difficulty and lessons to be learned.  I'm pretty sure that something will pop up any day now and inspire the shit out of me!  Until then, I will accept where I am.  I will value the role hardship plays in my life.

I'm not sure I'd be who I am without it.

The Bottom Line:
None of us like adversity or tragedy.  When we make peace with the idea that it's a valuable part of life, we can begin to see it differently.  We can learn from our trials rather than let them destroy us.  After all, without a little adversity, we'd all be "blank pages".

Just Do It...Damn It!

What if the life you've always wanted was just one decision away?  What if you did even one thing every single day that took you down your dream path?  What would that look like? What would happen if you stopped dreaming and started doing?  These are all questions I've been asking myself recently.  I finally figured out that the answer is: Stop asking!  There is nothing more cliche or more true than the Nike slogan "Just Do It".   In an effort to avoid trivializing life's many hardships, I will admit that this is harder said than done.  The point is, however, that it can be done!

I know that I've spent way to much of the last 10 years dreaming about how I want my life to be.  That equals about 10 years that I've wasted not making it happen.  I've allowed circumstances and people to dictate the quality of my life.  I've forgotten that my dreams require action in order to come true.  As Kelly Clarkson put it, I've been "breaking my own heart".  You should never stop dreaming; but dreaming alone will never create the reality.  If you truly want something in life...go for it.  Do something...anything...to move you in that direction every single day.  One day you will wake up, look around, and realize... I'm where I want to be!

The Bottom Line:
Give the "seeds" that are your dreams the "water" of your actions.  Warm yourself in the "light" of inspiration and witness the growth!

Dendritic Cell

I was reading about the unfortunate passing of this year's Nobel Prize recipient for medicine, Ralph Steinman.  He was a biologist who had been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer but was able to extend his life using therapy based upon his discovery. Read about it here.

He is credited with the discovery of something called the Dendritic Cell and it's function in the immune system.  This cell is what got my attention.  I read up on this small wonder.  The cell acts as a messenger between the two types of immunity our bodies have...innate and adaptive.  In essence, these cells are responsible for linking things that never change to those things which change often.  

It's amazing how bodily processes mimic our everyday lives.  We struggle to find that one thing that can help us travel between those moments in life that are both constant and ever-changing.  For some, I believe their dendritic cell is religion, god, or spirituality.  For others, that dendritic cell is a spouse or partner.  I also believe some use addictive behaviors as a type of dendritic cell.  We all seek a connection to or reliable path between those things in life which always change and those things which don't change.   It's that "dendritic cell" that makes bearable the transition from one place to another.  Simply put, it's that thing that helps us cope.

That's when the concept leaped right off the page I was reading...  The answer is within us.  While we spend all our time seeking outward ways to get back and forth from these two places in life, we completely overlook the path that is already within us.  Ralph Steinman didn't have to create anything or look outside the human body.  He simply had to better understand what was already present in all of us.  Once this happened, he literally figured out how to extend life and fight those things that make us sick.  It's truly amazing!

The Bottom Line:

Nine times out of ten, the best answers to life's unsolvable equations come from within.  The way forward is already there, just waiting to be discovered.  That ability to cope with the constant and with change is inside us all. When you make a commitment to understanding yourself, you will find your path...your way to and from...that calm within the storm.  

Nancy Grace's Boob Issues Official Statement:

Below, is the official statement from the law firm of Boulder & Tata, which represents Nancy Grace's right boob...

"Nancy Grace's boob would like to go on the record regarding Nancy Grace's recent denial of her boob.  The boob is very offended that Ms. Grace would deny it's presence on the hit TV show Dancing With the Stars.  Nancy Grace's boob has worked just as hard as anyone to prepare for it's moment on the show.  The boob is appalled by Nancy Grace's referring to this proud moment as a "malfunction".  Nancy Grace's boob is aware that society is shy when it comes to the serious issues related to nipple exposure.  We believe it's time that lawmakers take a long look at better protection for the rights of boobs everywhere.

Finally, Nancy Grace's boob is saddened by the public outrage over her career choices and wants all the fans to know that their support is very much appreciated!"

Read all about Nancy Grace's Boob Dis HERE!  

Bee About It

Inspiration is a funny thing.  Sometimes it's like being sucker-punched.  Other times it's like finding a twenty dollar bill in a pair of jeans.  I've made it my unofficial goal in life to seek out inspiration in what most would consider off-the-wall places.  For an example of this, read my piece entitled Holy Underwear.  

I work from home daily.  I am a lucky man indeed.  More often than not, you can find me doing my best Flipper imitation at the pool on my lunch hour.  While swimming around yesterday, I noticed a bee stranded in the water.  It was floating on the surface but I could tell the jig was almost up!  He was trying desperately to get out of the water.  He was not having any luck.  Normally, I wouldn't hesitate to put this stinging creature out of it's misery.  On this day, however, my curiosity got the best of me.  I decided to save the bee and observe his behavior once I got him back to dry land.  I know...I'm strange.   

I watched him for what must have been a good fifteen minutes.  I even managed to get a picture(see above).  He worked furiously to wipe away all the water from his body.  He took his time.  He worked very hard.  He was thorough.  He was persistent.  Lastly, he shook off what was left of the water and hit the open skies.  

The Bottom Line:

Even when life seems to be drowning you, accept a helping hand.  Work hard.  Bee thorough.  Bee persistent.  Bee patient.  Shake off what's drowning you and realize that the sky really is the limit! 

You're So Gay!

In a world where it seems to be increasingly cool to call people "gay" as some sort of insult, I'd like to go on record by saying: The joke's on you!

Here are some things you should keep in mind...

Gay is NOT contagious.

We don't want to convert you.

While you think using "gay" as an insult makes you cool, it really just makes you a douche bag.

Most people would rather be gay than be a dumb-ass.

While you have the right to speak freely, you also have the right to be educated.

Calling people gay makes you look simple and ignorant.

When you constantly use the word gay as an insult...it only makes you seem like a closet case.

"Cool" comes in many different forms; one of them is GAY!

If it weren't for gay people metrosexuals wouldn't know how to dress.  ;-)


The Bottom Line:
It's time we realize that the world does not revolve around our differences but rather the things we have in common.  We are all people trying to receive as much love and acceptance as we can.  Live your life in a way that lets others know you respect yourself as well as your fellow human being.


"If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die." ~ Maya Angelou  

On The Verge

It's just before 5AM on what should be just another Tuesday.  It's painfully quiet here in my apartment, even with the white noise in the background.  All this silence has left me thinking about my life and where it's headed.  It's an odd experience to constantly feel on the verge of greatness or disaster.  It's how I've found myself feeling more often than not lately.   I have a career, bills are paid, a teeny tiny bit of money in the bank, a beautiful apartment, you know...all the basics.  Even still, I can't help but sense that the universe is still out to trial on whether my life will really be great or not.  It's strange how one can feel so out of place when everything is seemingly in order.

It's very much like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but not being not awake enough to determine if it's a train or the baby Jesus.  Maybe this is what purgatory feels like.  Am I being made ready for something?  I wish I could share with you that I've just been enlightened with the answer to my own question, but alas, not so much.  I suppose it's really more philosophical than literal, although the two seem to intertwine effortlessly.  

I have bad dreams to thank for this moment of mental Purgatory that I find myself in.  I should be asleep; not tapping away on my laptop listening to my ice maker work over-time.  I've decided that since I have to be up early, I will just make some coffee and push through this sleepless and thoughtful moment in time.

The Bottom Line: I will let you know as soon as I find it.