We the People

As I got up this morning, I completely overlooked the Supreme Court Decision on gay marriage.  In my grogginess, I moved about getting ready for what I anticipated to be a long workday.  I made my way through my morning routine...shower, teeth brushing...”de-ashification” (lotion)...coffee... and getting dressed.  As I walked toward the front door, the man to whom I used to be engaged informed me of the Supreme Court's decision.  My response was nearly indifferent.  I replied with an "oh, that's good".  See, I was engaged to be married several months ago.  Since that time, I called off the engagement and the relationship for reasons that I won't go into here.  At any rate, I made my way down to my car only to discover that a huge panel underneath the car was broken and hanging off.  I realized that I wouldn't be able to drive to work as planned.  As my anger mounted at the impending car repairs, I made my way back into the apartment, called an Uber, and waited to be picked up.  All I could think of was the cost, the inconvenience, getting to work late, this “stupid” gay marriage decision, and how very alone I felt.
    
I got into the Uber car, and headed off to work.  As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the driver was tuned into NPR radio.  The topic, of course, was gay marriage.  The pundits were all flexing their opinion muscles.  They talked about the significance, the implications, and the possible legal fights ahead. At first I listened, still indifferent.  Then, they paused to cut over to the live speech by President Obama from the Rose Garden.   That's when everything changed for me.  As Obama spoke about the history of this struggle and the progress of American society, I began to cry.  All my indifference melted away as I realized that while I was so very happy for all those who wanted to get married but could not, I was further away from my marriage moment than I thought I'd be at this point in my life.  This strange mix of grief and gladness would not let up.  As I made my way to work, all I could think about was how I'd missed my chance.  Yeah, I know that sounds a tad dramatic maybe, but it's hard to see "marriage" for myself right now.
 
Once my tears began to subside; my thoughts turned to those who will undoubtedly announce the moral decay of American society and the destruction of all things "godly".  It hurts to know that there are those in the world that would seek to keep me and my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters as second class citizens; and for what?  Before gay marriage was even a thought, heterosexual couples have made a career of entering into marriages lightly and subsequently destroying this “holy” institution.  Furthermore, even those who didn’t believe in God or even believed in things which directly went against God were allowed to take part in this allegedly holy event.  It occurs to me on this day, people of all backgrounds should consider this… Perhaps it’s not holy or godly or Christ-like to exclude certain people from being married.  I offer that perhaps it’s ungodly, or unholy to treat marriage as something disposable.  Perhaps it’s immoral to enter into marriages with insufficient regard.  Perhaps the shame should be placed on the devaluing of marriage rather than who gets to be married.  I don’t pretend to have all the answers but as a formerly married, formerly straight man now living as an openly gay man who now has the right to marry anywhere in my homeland, I have to say that my perspective is clearer than it has ever been.

The Bottom Line

For those who wish to take part in this new era of equality, know this…
Your marriage should NOT be just another option.
Your marriage should NOT be disposable.
Your marriage should NOT be for show.
Your marriage should NOT be for convenience.
Your marriage should NOT be entered into lightly.

For those who wish to decry today’s Supreme Court decision, know this…
Gay marriage does NOT change your relationship with your god.
Gay marriage does NOT infringe upon your rights or opinions.
Gay marriage does NOT diminish your faith.
Gay marriage does NOT make your marriage less special.

For ALL those who are or will be married, know this…
Love, honor, and respect your own marriage.  After all, it’s the only marriage you can both nurture or destroy.
 

Alternatives

As I enjoy the first day of true heat this year, I'm left to consider why some gay men and women turn to the shade of a closet for relief from life's "heat".  There are certain things I don't understand and some that I understand all too well.  I do understand feeling the need to be in a closet.  I do not understand the idea that it's somehow OK to run in and out of one.


It should be noted that I spent much of my life in the closet and consider myself an expert on the matter.  I normally shy away from labeling myself an expert on any subject because I know two things without question.  One, things always change.  Two, I don't know everything there is to know about everything.  The "closet" however, I know.  I didn't see it while I was in there.  I also had no contact with anyone on the outside with the balls (or vag) to tell me that how I was living was a sham.  When you are locked inside a dark closet, it starts to feel less like a closet and more like a safe place to be.  It's not until you come out of it, turn around and look at it from the outside, that you finally realize what a shitty little space it is.

There are, however, two types of closet people.

The person who enters the closet and barricades the door.  

This was my closet.  This person has some sense of what is it is they are dealing with internally; but because of various factors (e.g. family, religion, work, religion, society, religion, racial culture, or religion) choose to ignore or deny it as much as humanly possible.  Yes, I'm aware I typed religion several times.  It's for dramatic effect but VERY true in many cases.  That's a subject for a different day.  Anyway, this person, on some level, knows exactly what is going on but chooses to live life as they believe they should or can.  They make no efforts to identify as gay.

The person who treats the closet like a 

man-cave or lady lounge.

This person lives two lives.  By sunDAY, they are perhaps righteous, god-fearing individuals.  At the very least they are people who appear "normal" to those that know them.  Monday through Saturday they fuck anything of the same sex that moves and have an intricate network of gay acquaintances and friends.  They are gay when it's OK to be gay and then they hop back in the closet just in time to pick out clothes for Sunday service.

It's the latter group of people mentioned here that, quite honestly, irritate the shit out of me.  I don't mean to sound insensitive to the plight of those who find themselves in a true sense of desperation and isolation.  After all, I used to BE that person.  I take exception to those men and women who treat being gay like some really ugly man or woman whom they have great sex with but refuse to introduce to friends and family.  These are not your typical lost souls.  These are skilled architects who build a life full of trap doors and secret passageways in and out of the closet.  These are people, in my opinion, who are too cowardly to face life as they truly are.  They lack the bravery, honesty, and resilience that millions of gay, lesbian, bi, and transgendered people have shown before them.  WHO they are depends largely upon where you meet them.  Whatever you do, don't try to follow them into the closet.  You're almost certainly not invited.

The Bottom Line:
There is no noble alternative to being true.
History is littered with both the brave and the cowards.
Which will you be?

If you're not brave enough to come out of the closet, be brave enough to stop running in and out of it until you are ready to accept yourself no matter the cost.  Turning it into a game of lies where the only losers are those around you is a shameful waste of a life.  It's OK to be you.  Just have the guts to decide which YOU that will be.  There were a few people in my life who knew about my closet.  I wish any one of them would have cared enough to say to me what I've said here today.

Uniquely Grateful

I'm lying here in the dark listening to Angel by Amanda Perez. I can't help but wonder about divine providence. Does it exist? Do Angels really exist? Do I even believe in God? I know I used to...before life took a baseball bat to my soul. I recently had a "fight" with God. There was yelling. There were tears. It sounds like a bad break-up, I know. I suppose it was a break of some sort. At the center of my beef with God is that he doesn't seem to take care of those who need it. Beyond that, it seems that those who don't deserve great things always seem to have great things. Then I had a conversation with a friend tonight that would make me rethink my feud with the Almighty.

This past Saturday night I was to join my friend at his friend's bachelorette party. The plan was for me to meet him in Ft. Worth where everything was to take place. He was planning on riding with his girlfriends. I told him that I'd rather ride over there with him. He had his friends drop him off at his place and I was to drive us there. Closer to the time of the event I decided that I didn't feel like going. I really didn't have a reason for not wanting to go. I just really didn't want to all of the sudden. So my friend started calling after his friends to come get him. He never could get any of them to answer. He never made it to the party that night either. I felt badly for causing him to miss it.

Tonight I sent my friend a text to see how he was. He told me that his friends had never gotten back to him that night because they were involved in a terrible car accident. The car had been side-swiped while trying to exit the highway. The car flipped over the guard-rail and was struck twice more by other cars on the road. One of his friends was ejected from the car completely and later died from her injuries. The others managed to live but are severely injured and still being treated in a Dallas hospital.

My friend would have been among them in the car had we not made plans to ride together. Some might call it coincidence but I am pretty sure I know better. While I am not completely thrilled with how God always operates, I will always be uniquely grateful to Him for saving my friends life.

It's odd to me how God chooses to use certain people in the lives of others. Never discount your effect on someone's life. Never doubt that there is someone out there watching over you. You just never know what could have been. Something as simple as a decision to stay home can forever alter the course of a life. I do believe in divine providence. As cliche as it sounds, everything really does happen for a reason. I was lucky enough to see that plainly this time. Sometimes we just need a brilliant reminder that God does watch over us.


Stay Free!

A Priestess Problem

All personal views on "marriage" aside, I was astonished at the behavior of Brenda Lee, the "reporter" from Macon Georgia yesterday. The last time I checked, trying to take a "personal stand" while on the clock as a reporter is not in any way professional or acceptable. Beyond that, the members of the press who are allowed that close to a President are warned about protocol ahead of time. Brenda Lee was out of line and over the top in her protests near Air Force One. After all the anthrax letter scares and things of that nature, anyone in their right mind should be well aware that you don't try to hand the President of the United States a letter outside of standard procedures. She should also know better than to act like a damn fool when asked to leave by the Secret Service. You just don't do that. Now she wants to complain about how she was removed but left the people who are responsible for protecting the President no other choice short of tasering her. She states that she was worried about people seeing under her clothes. I say to that: Don't lie down on the ground while wearing a dress! I think maybe it's time Brenda Lee re-thinks her career path as she is obviously not willing to report on a story from a objective and professional place. If Brenda Lee wants to speak out about “traditional marriage” she can do it on her own time by taking part in an organized protest, blogging, or sending her letter through the proper channels. If she wants to be a reporter she should learn to check her religious views at the door and start behaving like a rational adult rather than a two year old. I, for one, do not believe she is a legitimate reporter at all. After reading her rather juvenile attempt at writing at http://www.gainformer.com/Files/thebirdseyeview.htm , I am not convinced. I also read the letter which she was trying to deliver to the President which reeks of ignorance and prejudice. You can find that letter at http://www.gainformer.com/Files/god%20verses%20men.htm I think the questions should be: How on earth did this “priestess” get within 3 states of the President? Why was she ever allowed that kind of access in the first place? She amounts to a third-rate opinion blogger on her best day. Maybe the U.S. Press Relations Office should revise their procedures for granting access to media events.



Stay Free!

In Memoriam: Laying To Rest Friendships That Don't Work

In my relatively short time here on the planet we call Earth, I've already come to realize the need for putting to rest relationships that do not work. I recently had to pay my respects my best friend. Nobody died but the friendship certainly did. Sadly, he decided to travel down a path which I could not follow. Though we've shared deeply and cared for each other, it wasn't enough to save the friendship from the grave.


Before him, there was the other best friend, who was more like a brother near the end. We knew each other’s deep dark secrets. We shared our struggles and dreams alike. We cried together, laughed together, played basketball together, you name it. Life was fun with this friend in my life until our relationship was diagnosed with religion and died soon after.


I understand now, that as with the actual death of a loved one, it is best not to stay mired in the past, but rather remember it for what it was. There are some things that are just not meant to be and no amount of revisiting, apologies, or good intentions will change that. It's best for one’s health to accept the “death” and move forward. Friendships are living things which require much nurturing to stay alive. Once that is cut off it is only a matter of time before irreversible damage is done.


So, today I take a moment to mourn for the loss of my two best friends. I am thankful for the experience but realize that nothing can be done to bring them back. I accept this and tomorrow will bring a new day with new opportunities for friendship.


Stay Free!