We the People

As I got up this morning, I completely overlooked the Supreme Court Decision on gay marriage.  In my grogginess, I moved about getting ready for what I anticipated to be a long workday.  I made my way through my morning routine...shower, teeth brushing...”de-ashification” (lotion)...coffee... and getting dressed.  As I walked toward the front door, the man to whom I used to be engaged informed me of the Supreme Court's decision.  My response was nearly indifferent.  I replied with an "oh, that's good".  See, I was engaged to be married several months ago.  Since that time, I called off the engagement and the relationship for reasons that I won't go into here.  At any rate, I made my way down to my car only to discover that a huge panel underneath the car was broken and hanging off.  I realized that I wouldn't be able to drive to work as planned.  As my anger mounted at the impending car repairs, I made my way back into the apartment, called an Uber, and waited to be picked up.  All I could think of was the cost, the inconvenience, getting to work late, this “stupid” gay marriage decision, and how very alone I felt.
    
I got into the Uber car, and headed off to work.  As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the driver was tuned into NPR radio.  The topic, of course, was gay marriage.  The pundits were all flexing their opinion muscles.  They talked about the significance, the implications, and the possible legal fights ahead. At first I listened, still indifferent.  Then, they paused to cut over to the live speech by President Obama from the Rose Garden.   That's when everything changed for me.  As Obama spoke about the history of this struggle and the progress of American society, I began to cry.  All my indifference melted away as I realized that while I was so very happy for all those who wanted to get married but could not, I was further away from my marriage moment than I thought I'd be at this point in my life.  This strange mix of grief and gladness would not let up.  As I made my way to work, all I could think about was how I'd missed my chance.  Yeah, I know that sounds a tad dramatic maybe, but it's hard to see "marriage" for myself right now.
 
Once my tears began to subside; my thoughts turned to those who will undoubtedly announce the moral decay of American society and the destruction of all things "godly".  It hurts to know that there are those in the world that would seek to keep me and my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters as second class citizens; and for what?  Before gay marriage was even a thought, heterosexual couples have made a career of entering into marriages lightly and subsequently destroying this “holy” institution.  Furthermore, even those who didn’t believe in God or even believed in things which directly went against God were allowed to take part in this allegedly holy event.  It occurs to me on this day, people of all backgrounds should consider this… Perhaps it’s not holy or godly or Christ-like to exclude certain people from being married.  I offer that perhaps it’s ungodly, or unholy to treat marriage as something disposable.  Perhaps it’s immoral to enter into marriages with insufficient regard.  Perhaps the shame should be placed on the devaluing of marriage rather than who gets to be married.  I don’t pretend to have all the answers but as a formerly married, formerly straight man now living as an openly gay man who now has the right to marry anywhere in my homeland, I have to say that my perspective is clearer than it has ever been.

The Bottom Line

For those who wish to take part in this new era of equality, know this…
Your marriage should NOT be just another option.
Your marriage should NOT be disposable.
Your marriage should NOT be for show.
Your marriage should NOT be for convenience.
Your marriage should NOT be entered into lightly.

For those who wish to decry today’s Supreme Court decision, know this…
Gay marriage does NOT change your relationship with your god.
Gay marriage does NOT infringe upon your rights or opinions.
Gay marriage does NOT diminish your faith.
Gay marriage does NOT make your marriage less special.

For ALL those who are or will be married, know this…
Love, honor, and respect your own marriage.  After all, it’s the only marriage you can both nurture or destroy.
 

Bar None

So, it’s a “late spring in January” kind of a day here in my hometown.  I’m wearing a tank-top and it feels amazing.  I started out with lunch.  As a sat on the patio relaxing and enjoying something called a chicken cheeseburger, I couldn’t help but notice all the people gathering at the bar across the street...a bar that I’ve been to more times than I care to admit.  

It’s interesting how the bars play such a huge role in my people’s culture.  By “my people”, I’m referring to the gays.  I’ve struggled over the years to understand why bars seem to be the only place we like to congregate.  I don’t really care for the bars.  So, of course I packed up my laptop and decided to plop down right in the middle of one!  I’ve made a habit of forcing myself into awkward scenarios in an effort to keep my mind outside the box.  Trust me when I say that typing away in the middle of a meat market is highly awkward!  So, I pulled out my laptop and began observing and writing.  I think I’ve been able to categorize the things I’ve seen today...

The Social Queens - 

These are the guys who show up just to be seen.  This is as much a production as anything you would ever see on broadway.  Hair is sprayed into submission.  Clothes are two sizes too small.  On a side note, that baby Gap look only works on 1 out of every 20 gay men.  The social queens are laughing at things that aren’t funny, throwing back drinks faster than the bartender can pour, and generally doing everything short of setting off fireworks in an effort to be noticed.  

The Sex Queens - 

I think we all know what these folks are doing.  Ummm yeah...looking for sex.  They are the least complicated individuals in all of gaydom.  

The Drag Queens - 

Albeit they are not typically “made up”, you can always spot them by their high-arched eyebrows and affinity for comfy sweatpants.  You can also spot that “I took off all my makeup at about 4am this morning” look.  Hey, I’m not making this up.  

The Sporty Queens - 

These are the ones who want to accentuate every muscle in their overly worked out, usually out-of-proportion bodies.  Think top-heavy...90 inch chest and legs you could clean small pipes with.  It’s amazing that they have time to even make it to a bar considering they are always propped up on a bench-press machine.  

The Old Queens - 

I have an agreement with my best friend to have him stab me in the face if I ever find myself in this group.  These are the men of considerable age who have never quite found a life outside a bar.  My cut off age is currently 45.  45 is the LAST age.  If I should feel the need to adjust the age, it would be younger...not older.  

The “In Love” Queens - 

These are the ones who are with the “man of the moment”; proudly displaying each other like Grammy awards on a shelf.  They will be broken up after about two months of hot sex and one-too-many date nights at the bar.  

The Bottom Line:

Queens come and go, but the bars...they are forever.  While I don’t pretend to completely understand the correlation between gay life and the clubs and bars; I know that in some fashion it’s our haven...our little slice of the world where we can completely be ourselves without fear of judgement (this excludes fashion judgement).  I suppose at some point I will just stop trying to figure out the bar crowd and resolve that much like Republican nominees for President, it’s a necessary evil.  ;-)  

You're So Gay!

In a world where it seems to be increasingly cool to call people "gay" as some sort of insult, I'd like to go on record by saying: The joke's on you!

Here are some things you should keep in mind...

Gay is NOT contagious.

We don't want to convert you.

While you think using "gay" as an insult makes you cool, it really just makes you a douche bag.

Most people would rather be gay than be a dumb-ass.

While you have the right to speak freely, you also have the right to be educated.

Calling people gay makes you look simple and ignorant.

When you constantly use the word gay as an insult...it only makes you seem like a closet case.

"Cool" comes in many different forms; one of them is GAY!

If it weren't for gay people metrosexuals wouldn't know how to dress.  ;-)


The Bottom Line:
It's time we realize that the world does not revolve around our differences but rather the things we have in common.  We are all people trying to receive as much love and acceptance as we can.  Live your life in a way that lets others know you respect yourself as well as your fellow human being.


"If we lose love and self respect for each other, this is how we finally die." ~ Maya Angelou  

Fag

I recently discovered that I have an internal struggle.  No, I'm not coming out of the closet.  If you are reading this blog, you are about nine years too late for that story!  The struggle I'm speaking of is how offended I feel when straight people use the word "fag" as a way to insult other straight people.  It's taken me back to that mentality of... 'I can say it because I AM ONE'.  For example, African-Americans referring to themselves as 'Niggas'...  It's not really cool for white people to say it, unless of course you are a white rapper.  I also know Mexicans who refer to themselves as Wetbacks, but you wouldn't catch me saying it.  Even Jews have little reserve about self-depreciating humor.  It does seems like a double-standard to me.  At the same time, part of me feels like I've paid my 'gay dues'.  I feel I have the right to call someone a fag if I want, although I rarely call a straight person a fag; and I really only use the term with people that I know.  It occurs to me that if you are Black, or Jewish, or Mexican, or Gay, etc...you automatically get a pass to give derogatory terms your own meaning and power.  Maybe that way of thinking is wrong.  Maybe nobody should ever use derogatory terms, even among one's own "group".  

I'm not pretending to be on one side of this issue or the other.  I really am torn.  I absolutely believe in freedom of speech.  On the other hand, I am a firm believer in responsible speech.  Know your audience.  Show some respect.  I understand that some people discount the term "fag" because they've never had to experience the rejection, pain, hatred, or contempt that can go along with being openly gay.  Maybe it's just that it's too soon to be insensitive about it.  After all, while there is still racism in the world, the general struggle for basic rights is fading.  Gays in America are still in the middle of a fight to be treated as equals under the law.  Maybe 10...20...30 years from now the word fag won't carry the sting that it does right now.  Until then, I will always try to speak with my audience in mind. I will do my best to remember that I shouldn't discount any one group because of who they are or even what they believe.  It's not an easy task, as I do not agree with everyone about everything.  I do, however, always try to respect those I come into contact with...even if they are raging lunatics.  ;-)

In Jesus Name We Pray, Gaymen!

As the first truly Autumn-ish day sweeps over the Dallas area, I am unable to pull myself away from all the Bishop Eddie Long commentary.  Let me start by saying that I understand that the allegations have not been proven true.  Even still, the subject of Pastors, Deacons, and church members getting it on with the same sex is still one that should be discussed.

I read though a brief opinion article by Shayne Lee an African-American professor of sociology at Tulane University.  You can read the article for yourself here.  He seems to focus on race, which I'm sorry to say, is not only a bore, but a cop-out.  As a gay man and former minister of both music and youth, I can assure you I am well aware of the amount of energy that goes into bashing homosexuals from the pulpit to the pew in both "black" churches as well as "white" ones.  I can also tell you that there is more gay sex going on between church members than one might be led to believe and race really doesn't matter.  I've been to all manner of churches in my life.  The White folks are doing it; but as long as you show up for church on time with your wife and kids nobody really talks about it.  The Black folks are doing it on the DL(down-low) and then screaming at the top of their lungs about how gays have a first class non-refundable airline ticket to hell, followed by reservations at Chateau a la Sulfur.  Black...White... Martian...it makes no difference   The church is made up of people.  Some people are gay... therefore, gay people WILL be in your church.  A homo was probably sitting a few rows over checking you out this past Sunday.  LOL

I just wonder how many priests, pastors, deacons, bishops, mega-church maniacs, and closet-case music ministers it will take before people wake up and realize that the church is NOT above it all.  It's the words, thoughts, and actions of men like Ted Haggard and Eddie Long(guilty or not) that disillusion people of faith all over the world.  Alleged men and women of god are preaching hateful messages while secretly "gaying" it up in the sack.  It's really all about realizing that god, whoever that is to you, created us all.  God knows better than anyone what is going on.  You think it may be possible that god loves us all?  I mean really...thousands of years of oppression and hypocrites and scandals and wars...for all that, we are no closer to god than we ever were.   

 The Bottom Line:
Gay St. and Church St. are the same road known by two names.  Stop all the hate and hypocrisy.  It is time the church take a detour to Love Blvd. and for once, live up to god's message of unconditional love.  

The Big Kiss Off

I love how shocked everyone is over this ridiculous "in the moment"(in the moment my ass) American Music Award kiss.  Did anyone really expect Adam Lambert to act differently?  Be serious.  He's been a pair of boobs away from a drag queen for almost a year now!  Let's get something out of the way before we go any further.

I do not care for Adam Lambert as a person.  I don't think he's the best representative of the gay community.  He tries to dismiss the fact that he's a role model but he is...like it or not.  I guess that's what people want to see because that's the kind of person we keep putting out there.

That said, I do believe that he has a point about an entertainment double standard.  As a society we have far less of a problem watching Madonna, Britney, and Christina share a lesbian moment on an award show.  Oh, but let one pseudo famous gay guy decide to kiss his band member and people are crying into their AMA popcorn.  Give me a break.  In a country where sex between straight people is a multi-billion dollar industry and on-screen romps are commonplace (even in daytime), this should not surprise anyone.  Let's not get our underwear in a twist because of a gay kiss.  Gays are not going away and in fact are becoming more high profile every day.  It's a fact of life.  Get over it already.  To those who will belly-ache about their children seeing that...quit trying to pretend that your child will never or can never, know, go to school with, date, be friends with, or meet a gay person.  Instead, how about you teach your children that some boys and girls are different that way.  Then maybe you can skip the whole "shock and awe" routine when your child happens upon a gay moment somewhere.

The Bottom Line:
While I don't really care for Adam Lambert, I am glad he took his little political stand.   After a year of states bashing gay marriage, gay rights, and everything else that is "gay", it was nice to see someone just go out and be who they wanted to be...for all the world to see.  I believe it was equal parts gimmick and protest.  He gets an B for effort though.  He also gets an A for that kiss!  Wowza!

Time & Punishment

Do you ever have one of those moments where you start to wonder if perhaps you are being punished for something you've done? Having wondered that...ever have a hard time figuring out what the hell that might have been? I know I do.

In January 2010 it will have been 7 years since I left my ex-wife, an idea that we both agreed was best. Since then, I have struggled in every way imaginable. My ex-wife has struggled to let go of the past. My kids have struggled more than any of us. They struggle to understand why things are different now. They struggle with hearing two versions of how the world turns. They get the narrow-minded, bigoted version with their mother and step-dad. They get the "realist" version from me.

I won't pretend that my decision to come out as a gay man hasn't come at a high price. It was, however, less about being gay and more about being honest with myself and everyone else in my life. Fast forward to today... I can't help but wonder if I am paying too high a price for that decision. Am I being punished for trying to lead an honest life? Sometimes it seems like the criminals in this world are the only ones who really enjoy life. Should I have kept lying? I feel like the answer to this line of questioning is a big fat NO...but I feel like I've served my time. I've taken my punishment. When is it time for me to join the land of the living again?

They say Karma is a bitch. I'm starting to think she's a bitch with the memory of an elephant. I need Karma to give me a damn break. I am not asking to get away with anything. I'm not asking that the effects of my decisions be wiped away for all time. I am being very realistic here...after all, I am a Virgo. I just want to take this moment to appeal to Karma and let her know...

I don't want to be wealthy. I just want to be able to provide for myself and my kids and be OK.

I don't want the romance of the ages. I just want to meet someone who is honest, loving, faithful, and sexy...not Gilles Marini sexy...but cute. I don't think that's too much to ask...is it?

I don't want a McMansion. I just want a home or apartment with room enough for me and my children.

I don't want the chauffeur driven limo. I just want something dependable that won't embarrass me or my kids while we are driving around. :-)

At any rate, I don't believe I want too much. I don't believe I want more than I deserve. I just have this nagging feeling that Karma has other designs on what my sentence should be. I can only hope for a little credit for good behavior to help get me out of what can only be described as jail.

The Art of Rejection and Dentistry

What is rejection? At first glance this would appear to be an easily answered question. When one takes the time to really think about rejection though, one will find that the answer is not quite as simple as one might have thought.
I’ve found that rejection really has many facets. I should note that I choose the word “facets” for two reasons. First, there is the common definition… a facet being an angle or a side to something. Then I looked deeper and found that there is another meaning…one found in the world of Dentistry. I found this definition very intriguing. Facet: “Dentistry. A small, highly burnished (polished by friction) area, usually on the enamel surface of a tooth, produced by abrasion between opposing teeth in chewing.

Let’s start chewing…

What is rejection?

I feel rejection is the type of combo you wouldn’t find on a McDonald’s menu anywhere. There is the feeling or intention of the person rejecting, paired with the perception and understanding of the person being rejected. The act of being rejected is defined by the feeling of being rejected. In other words one doesn’t really exist without the other. If I don’t feel rejected then the simple fact is…I haven’t been.

What does Dentistry have to do with it?

Well if you look at it metaphorically, you can see that “opposing teeth” produce a highly polished side or “facet” to the tooth by way of friction! The two opposing people can in fact be “polished” or even perfected by rejection, which serves as “friction”.

I got all that from teeth?

Yes! I’ve recently been on both ends of what most would perceive as rejection. I was the person rejecting and then the person being rejected. I didn’t really enjoy being on either end of it to be quite honest. I don’t enjoy putting people through rejection and I don’t really care for being rejected either. If we start to look at rejection in a better light, we can see that it’s a very necessary part of developing character. It is painful but necessary. We can see that rejection really leads us to better and more appropriate opportunities. Rejection can teach us to look within for answers. Rejection polishes us and makes us brilliant and smooth around the edges. Whether it’s rejection from a job, person, family member, friend, or foe, see it as an opportunity to move in a better direction. See it as a way to find that perfect “place” in your life. There are of course those who will disagree with my way of thinking and maintain that rejection is useless and simply some people’s way of being hateful and hurtful. Really it’s all in how you look at it. You can choose to look at the glass as half full or half empty. The choice is always ours.

So, the next time you find yourself on the “wrong” end of rejection, take a moment to breathe and then remember that while the polishing process can be painful at times, it is needed to make us better.

Date Me?

I sit here stranded, albeit momentarily, on this American Airlines flight bound for Atlanta and I can’t help but let my mind wander into a philosophical place. I am wondering what dating these days has come to. It seems like the older I get the more I start to notice that some people have self-selected down to a smaller and smaller group…leaving nobody but themselves even worthy enough to date. I don’t know about you but I do not want to date myself. It is, however, more and more common for people to describe themselves in excruciating detail only to follow it up with “looking for the same”. Really?

Of course as a gay man, my dating experience is far different than that of a heterosexual man but I did used to be married and have dated a few women. I can say with certainty that the game is far different. Obviously what attracts a woman to a man is not how much alike they both are. Women have qualities that they want in a man and based purely on biology those things are usually somewhat opposite yet complimentary. In the gay culture it is a little trickier to say the least. A vast majority of men fall into one of two categories…they want someone just like themselves or they want someone who embodies everything they wish they were. This all makes for a great laugh but how does that make sense? So many gay men lament the fact that they are alone but using their “logic” all they’d really have to do is invite themselves out on a date to find the perfect man. While I think I am pretty darn great, save a few flaws, I do not want to date myself. I don’t want to date anyone that is exactly like me. Where is the challenge in that? Where is the fun in that?

All things said, I think it might be a good idea for some of us to trade in "date night" for, I don’t know, “counseling night”? The fact that so many want to date their physical and emotional twin is not only slightly hilarious but points to a real problem. Maybe it’s time we opened up our minds to other types of people. Maybe it’s time to work out those issues within us that dictate that we must have our own image constantly reflected back to us in order to be “happy”. Don’t get me wrong…I think having things in common is very necessary and very healthy for any relationship but where does it end?

So the next time you think about going on a date, take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself… Do I really want to date me?

Gay Texans Cry Foul Play in Police Raid

Ft. Worth Texas - June 28, 2009

On the anniversary of the Stonewall Rebellion in NYC, one of the most devastating gay civil rights violations in American history, Ft. Worth Police along with the TABC (Texas Alcoholic Beverages Commission) raided several Ft. Worth gay bars on Sunday night. Several people were zip-tied inside the clubs. Approximately 7 people were taken outside the clubs then arrested for public intoxication. One person has been hospitalized with a brain injury sustained in what amounts to a "statement" raid. There are several eye witness reports that excessive force was used in each location.




Let me get my first point out of the way now. I think this business of the police taking people out of a BAR only to charge them with public intoxication is asinine! If they are going to do that then they might as well arrest people on their way to a cab from the bar. A police officer goes into a bar...removes a person who has been drinking so that they can make an arrest. This is one of the most ridiculous practices I've ever heard of. Something has to be done about this. It's a technicality used by the police in very suspect situations and it has to stop.




I find it disturbing that the police department has issued no formal statement on why this raid occurred. Since the TABC was involved I would expect that maybe a liquor license was revoked, but that didn’t happen. I would also assume that maybe it was to remove minor individuals from the bar. Nope, not that either. Police Chief Jeffrey Halstead promised an investigation. My questions for him are...How could you NOT know this was happening? You are the Police Chief right? Who picked this foolish “anniversary” date for a raid on a gay bar? What was the point of this raid?




The police statements that a few patrons made "sexually explicit movements toward another officer" are hard to believe at best. What the hell does that statement even mean?




The eyes of the world will now be on the Ft. Worth Police Department as well as the City. They had better step up to the plate and do the right thing. It would be wise on their part to understand that they will not be able explain certain things away. A man now has a brain injury because of this clumsy and ill-advised moment. This entire venture was like a PowerPoint presentation... with no power and no point.





Stay Free!


For more about the Stonewall Rebellion visit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewall_riots

Source: http://www.dallasvoice.com/artman