What happens when you are born into a family that is destined to fail? Where do you go to find that sense of tradition and heritage? I think back to my own family history and the answers to those questions seem further away than ever. I was born into family "fallout", somewhere between belonging and not. I'm the bastard son of my mom and my dad who were dating at the time. My dad, who is African-American, was secretly married to an African-American woman. He had a family of his own and a penchant for affairs with white women. He would never marry a white woman though, because he is too much of a coward. As daring as his affairs were, he wasn't daring enough to keep honest relationships. My mother, on the other hand, was a divorcée with three children from that marriage. They were Anglo. I mention race because it plays a huge role in my life, as it relates to family.
When I was born, my mother still used her married last name. My father was listed as such on the birth certificate but I was given my mothers married last name. At some point, my mother decided I should go by my father's last name and proceed to use it regularly. It wasn't until I was a teenager that she requested that it be legally changed. Though a judge signed a name change order as a part of child support hearings, she never had my birth certificate changed. To this day I am legally somewhere in between Ross and Jackson.
To complicate matters, I am the only child from either side of my family that is of mixed race. I'm not Black. I'm definitely not White. I'm just me. It's a shame how we lose ambiguity as we become adults. The fog lifts and suddenly we see the world for what it really is...Black or White. I was raised around "white" people and until I started trying to date, I felt no different than those around me.
I don't communicate with my father or his side of the family anymore. There was a time where I tried but for my "black siblings", I think I represented their father's unfaithfulness and the damage that was inflicted upon their family by all his whorish behavior. They were very polite but never put much effort into getting to know me. I can't say I blame them. My mother's side of the family is another story. I was very close to my two sisters growing up. I couldn't have asked for better sisters. My brother spent most of his time at his father's place so we really didn't get to know each other until recently. My relationship with my sisters has changed dramatically over the past several years. I'm not sure why or how this has happened. There was no definitive event that took place. There has been no feud. I honestly believe it's just our family "nature" taking it's course. It's sad to see how far we have all drifted apart. We barely speak, although I have made the majority of the effort to keep in touch. They live in Oklahoma and travel here often to see friends and family(I'm not in that equation apparently). The state of the "union" is not great.
After reading on Facebook about yet another trip here to Texas , one that I had no clue was happening, I decided to delete my siblings from Facebook. I don't need a daily reminder that I am being ignored by my so-called family. I'd rather not know they were in town at all if they won't bother to pick up the phone and let me know. I've been relegated to a common Facebook acquaintance and as stupid as it sounds, it hurts.
The Bottom Line:
There are about twenty definitions of the word family in the dictionary. The one that I find most intriguing is the definition as related to math (shown below).
Mathematics:
a given class of solutions of the same basic equation, differing from one another only by the different values assigned to the constants in the equation.
I realize now that we are all just "solutions" of the same basic equation. We all have different values. I see that it's time for me to release my understanding of the word Family and move on. While there will always be the pain of "what could could have been", there is no sense in ignoring definitions that make more sense than the ones I've been using for years. It's time for me to seek out those people that have the same values and build lasting relationships. I always love a good math problem for any relationship woe.
