ALL LIVES MATTER: A Strong Rebuke Against Race-Based Movements

As a person of Scottish, Cherokee, and African American descent who grew up in the poor and mostly Black part of Dallas Texas - I've been forced to confront race and racism from all sides at an early age.  Some Black people don't like me because of my White mother or because I'm not dark enough or "black" enough.  Some White people don't like me because I'm Black.  Some White people only like me because they think I'm Hispanic at first.  Some Hispanics like me...until they realize I'm Black.  On and on it goes.  

As I watched the events in Dallas Texas unfold last night and today (where five Dallas police officers died after gunmen systematically executed them during and after a Black Lives Matter rally in downtown), I can't help but wonder if those who support the Black Lives Matter movement really understand what it is they are advocating.    All evidence seems to suggest that they don't.  On the outside, BLM seems harmless and honorable enough.  When you take a closer look, however, you will start to see some fundamental and alarming problems.  

• The very name of the movement - Black Lives Matter. 
• There is an ellipsis at the end of this movement's name - ...more than other lives. 

I'm not saying that the ellipsis was intended, but it's there none the less.  This is why you see people now adopting the hashtag #alllivesmatter.  They do this because the movement has made them feel as though their lives do not matter.  I understand that there is a growing problem with police violence in this country which disproportionately affects those in Black communities.  I understand that Black lives matter.  The name though, while seemingly trying to draw attention to the issues of police violence against Black people, also implies that other lives don't matter at all or at the very least not as much.  The focus shouldn't be on race, but it is.  This isn't helping the racism issue in this country.  It's breeding a whole new generations of racist...on ALL sides.  

Think about it this way - The Traditionalist American Knights of the KKK  state that they are a non-violent organization dedicated to the "preservation of the white race in the United States".  They say they are non-violent; but as we all know, their very existence inspires hatred and violence.  The fact that they self segregate and focus solely on the white race signals that other races are not important or valuable.  This is the issue with identifying by race in a political or social movement.  It seems harmless, or loyal, or in touch with one's ancestry; but it's not.  Its divisive, destructive, and dangerous.   

• The focus of the movement. 
• According to the BLM website  the focus is on "state violence" against Black people. 

The word "violence" is found on the BLM Who We Are page six times.  The focus is on violence executed by the "state".  With such a focus on "violence", it was only a matter of time before the movement inspired violence.  The BLM movement says it is "broadening the conversation"; when in fact it's narrowing the conversation to race and excluding non-black people from that conversation.  You can't seek to stop race-based attacks on the Black community by alienating people of non-black heritage.  This is exactly what BLM is currently doing.  The message, the focus, and the execution ALL need to change.

• The organization of the movement.  
• In interviews with those described as the founders of the BLM movement, it has been stated that BLM is a leaderless movement.  

Here's the problem - A leaderless movement is also a movement that is unfocused, off-message, and subject to a dangerous evolution.  We didn't achieve progress for Black people in America without leaders.  This type of non-approach leaves the execution of this movement open to interpretation.  As we saw in Dallas, some have now interpreted this as violence against police.  I'm not saying that the killing of five Dallas police officers was sanctioned by BLM, but the movement bears some responsibility in that it refuses to clearly identify as "non-violent" and in fact, it's sole focus IS violence.  It allows people from the community to decide for themselves how to resolve "state violence" - some, opting just to shoot back.  Violence or focusing on violence is NOT the right approach.  The BLM movement is in it's "toddler" period now and has done little in the way of fixing the problem of racism or violence in this country.

• The execution of the movement.
• The movement has"fired" upon the wrong targets too many times.  

In December of last year, BLM disrupted air travel at an airport and shopping at a popular and busy mall.  This is yet another example of the wrong focus and execution.  A movement shouldn't seek to punish those who may have nothing to do with the plight of the Black community.  These were people trying to see their families or buy gifts for loved ones.  Seeking to disrupt everyday life is not the way to change the hearts and minds of this country.  It reeks of selfishness and ill-will toward those who have nothing to do with "state violence".  At political rallies, BLM shows up screaming or taking over stages in an effort to force people to listen.  Screaming at people only alienates them further.  Again, this is where leaders come in.  They help people focus and stay on message; and to deliver that message in a way that is not only powerful, but poignant and better received.

The Bottom Line

Trying to force people to listen to your point of view, while systematically alienating those who you say you are trying to speak to is fucking foolish.  It's time for everyone to stop hiding behind their race.  It's time to stop pretending that pride in your heritage is the reason for your actions and behaviors.  It's not.  Your selfishness and belief that your life matters more than those of a different race because of a threat (either perceived or real) is the reason for your actions and behaviors.  You can be proud without alienating those around you.  You can honor your history without creating or contributing to a future soaked in violence, segregation, hatred, ignorance, and intolerance.  We can all live together in love and peace...when we CHOOSE to do so.  We can all move beyond racism once we stop breathing life into it with provocation, violence, screaming, anger, hatred, and retaliation.  

White people, stop pretending like you're in danger of losing something.  You're not.  White Americans slaughtered Native Americans in order to lay claim to something that didn't belong to them.  White Americans enslaved Africans and refused to treat them like humans.  The only thing you're in danger of is perpetuating the cycle of ignorance that says you're superior to anyone.  We aren't.  We come from the same stock of people who murdered some and enslaved others.  ENOUGH.  Get your shit together and realize the worth of all human life whether you relate to them or not.  

Black people, stop pretending like you arrived on a slave ship.  You didn't.  Stop saying you want and end to racism while simultaneously segregating yourselves.  Stop screaming at people and learn to have a real conversation.  Do the hard work that is required to really "broaden the conversation"; not just the easy work of preaching to the choir.  Stop punishing the good White people of this country for shit the bad ones do.  We don't honor our ancestors and those who fought for our freedoms by shitting all over their sacrifice with our selfishness and willful ignorance.  We have JUST as must a part to play in eradicating racism as any White person living or dead.

Racism and discrimination of ALL kinds is defeated in the small moments in life.  Talk to that co-worker who may be narrow-minded or sheltered.  Show those passing you on the street the kindness they may not think you deserve.  Conduct yourselves with the kind of honor that transcends your heritage.  Stop being afraid to speak out against violent actions and words from your "own kind".  Stop letting people of all colors get a free pass on hatred and ignorance.  Speak up.  Speak softly.  Speak often.  Speak from your heart.  The war on race won't be won by force.  It will be won when we decide that human life is THE most important resource on the planet.    

Have You Seen Me?

What has happened to friendship?  When did true friendship suddenly go missing?  In the era of Facebook-fueled disposable relationships, I can't help but ask myself... Are real friendships becoming a thing of the past?   

I've always been pretty selective with who I call "friend".  I believe it is a title that should be earned rather than hastily bestowed upon someone.  For this reason, I have few close friends.  I'm OK with that though.  I've had even fewer best friends in my lifetime.  I've lost two so far.  The first was because of my coming out.  That was fun...fun like surgery with no anesthesia.  The second...I'm still trying to figure out what happened there.   

Just a few short months ago, I experienced my second ride on the severed friendship boat.  Someone I cared about deeply and for whom I'd have done anything suddenly sent me a Dear John text.  There was no opportunity for me to address issues or fix what I could.  There was no warning.  There was just a text full of words and thoughts that lacked any love or compassion.  Apparently, this friend could only exist in the sunshine and fair weather.  I guess he didn't have the stomach to endure thunderstorms and hurricanes.  This loss, like the last one, was equally devastating.  I was left confused and deeply hurt.  I had been there for this person through the worst time of their life; and I never once bailed.  I never once ended the friendship.  Why?  Because I believe true friendship and love transcends circumstances, and distance, and life's storms.  I believe that friendship doesn't always have to be perfect or comfortable.  I believe that two people should be able to respect each other and honor their relationship as friends no matter the circumstances.  Sure, shit happens.  People make mistakes.   There are trying times for everyone.  A real friend, however, should be able to see through the storm.  To put it bluntly, any fucking idiot should understand that storms don't last forever.  

Then today, I learned that someone I love dearly lost their best friend to similar foolishness.  I hurt so badly for him.  I remember what it feels like to have your heart ripped out through your ass with the realization that someone you thought was your best friend, really wasn't at all.  This was the last straw for me.  

I have had it with this culture of disposable friendships...where if the person doesn't exactly reflect our interests, ideals, beliefs, goals, or comfort level, we simply toss them out like moldy bread.  When did this become the norm?  When did people become so weak and cowardly that they can't even withstand the high winds of life?  I wish more than anything this wasn't the case.  I hate that people seem to be forgetting the meaning of true friendship.  Pop culture sites like Facebook have fooled people into thinking that sharing your every bowel movement online is friendship.  This has translated into our actual friendships now.  We unfriend people in an instant.  I feel like it's becoming harder and harder for people to distinguish between Facebook and real life.  Will true friendship  remain on the milk carton or will it be plucked from the clutches of its captor - complacency? 

The Bottom Line:

The next time the storms hit and you think of turning your back on someone you call a friend, consider this...  Is it really the right call to cut this person from your life or are you just being a giant bag of flaccid dicks?

We the People

As I got up this morning, I completely overlooked the Supreme Court Decision on gay marriage.  In my grogginess, I moved about getting ready for what I anticipated to be a long workday.  I made my way through my morning routine...shower, teeth brushing...”de-ashification” (lotion)...coffee... and getting dressed.  As I walked toward the front door, the man to whom I used to be engaged informed me of the Supreme Court's decision.  My response was nearly indifferent.  I replied with an "oh, that's good".  See, I was engaged to be married several months ago.  Since that time, I called off the engagement and the relationship for reasons that I won't go into here.  At any rate, I made my way down to my car only to discover that a huge panel underneath the car was broken and hanging off.  I realized that I wouldn't be able to drive to work as planned.  As my anger mounted at the impending car repairs, I made my way back into the apartment, called an Uber, and waited to be picked up.  All I could think of was the cost, the inconvenience, getting to work late, this “stupid” gay marriage decision, and how very alone I felt.
    
I got into the Uber car, and headed off to work.  As luck (or lack thereof) would have it, the driver was tuned into NPR radio.  The topic, of course, was gay marriage.  The pundits were all flexing their opinion muscles.  They talked about the significance, the implications, and the possible legal fights ahead. At first I listened, still indifferent.  Then, they paused to cut over to the live speech by President Obama from the Rose Garden.   That's when everything changed for me.  As Obama spoke about the history of this struggle and the progress of American society, I began to cry.  All my indifference melted away as I realized that while I was so very happy for all those who wanted to get married but could not, I was further away from my marriage moment than I thought I'd be at this point in my life.  This strange mix of grief and gladness would not let up.  As I made my way to work, all I could think about was how I'd missed my chance.  Yeah, I know that sounds a tad dramatic maybe, but it's hard to see "marriage" for myself right now.
 
Once my tears began to subside; my thoughts turned to those who will undoubtedly announce the moral decay of American society and the destruction of all things "godly".  It hurts to know that there are those in the world that would seek to keep me and my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters as second class citizens; and for what?  Before gay marriage was even a thought, heterosexual couples have made a career of entering into marriages lightly and subsequently destroying this “holy” institution.  Furthermore, even those who didn’t believe in God or even believed in things which directly went against God were allowed to take part in this allegedly holy event.  It occurs to me on this day, people of all backgrounds should consider this… Perhaps it’s not holy or godly or Christ-like to exclude certain people from being married.  I offer that perhaps it’s ungodly, or unholy to treat marriage as something disposable.  Perhaps it’s immoral to enter into marriages with insufficient regard.  Perhaps the shame should be placed on the devaluing of marriage rather than who gets to be married.  I don’t pretend to have all the answers but as a formerly married, formerly straight man now living as an openly gay man who now has the right to marry anywhere in my homeland, I have to say that my perspective is clearer than it has ever been.

The Bottom Line

For those who wish to take part in this new era of equality, know this…
Your marriage should NOT be just another option.
Your marriage should NOT be disposable.
Your marriage should NOT be for show.
Your marriage should NOT be for convenience.
Your marriage should NOT be entered into lightly.

For those who wish to decry today’s Supreme Court decision, know this…
Gay marriage does NOT change your relationship with your god.
Gay marriage does NOT infringe upon your rights or opinions.
Gay marriage does NOT diminish your faith.
Gay marriage does NOT make your marriage less special.

For ALL those who are or will be married, know this…
Love, honor, and respect your own marriage.  After all, it’s the only marriage you can both nurture or destroy.
 

Spring Forward

It's a beautiful fall day here in Texas.  My mind is on over-drive with thoughts of my future and of change.  About three months ago, I took my customary yearly birthday vacation.  This year's destination was Denver.  Leading up to this vacation, I'd been under tremendous and unrelenting stress from a major work project.  Most of my days were structured around the needs and desires of those driving the project.  My life wasn't my own.  By the time I got on the plane and headed out, I was in desperate need of down-time.

I've visited Denver only one other time.  That was during my college years.  When I was a very young child, my mom, step-dad, and I lived in Aurora for about two years.  I have memories of me playing in the snow, digging in the yard and finding bones, my mom and dad's gold Buick.  To this day, I can close my eyes and mentally walk through the apartment from room to room and remember every single thing and it's place.  A piece of Colorado has always remained within me... sleeping... waiting...hiding even.  This trip would change all that.

I spent the next eight days, wandering around the streets of Downtown Denver with little to no agenda.  I ate when I wanted.  I slept when I wanted.  I socialized when I wanted.  I was alone when I wanted.  It was simply amazing.  It's hard to describe the change which occurred in me during this trip; but I'll certainly try.  For the first time in a very long time, I felt at home.  I felt at peace.  I saw myself walking along the streets of Downtown well beyond my time there.  It's as if I'd literally bumped into myself while exploring the neighborhoods.

Once I was home, I couldn't shake this feeling that suddenly, I was a fish out of water.  All at once I no longer belonged where I'd always been.  It's a strange feeling to get on a plane headed home only to be certain you're leave your home behind.  I pondered the direction of my life for the next few weeks.  The Virgo in me tried desperately to explain away everything I was feeling.  The Virgo was not ready for the fight that my heart was about to put up.  My heart was in Denver.  My heart chose not to check in for my flight back to Texas.  My heart was still wandering the streets of Denver.  My heart put in a change of address.

As I lie on my couch one weekend, it finally became clear.  My life is not quite what I want it to be.  I've allowed myself to believe that the life I have is all I deserve.  I've tricked myself into believing that playing it safe is always the best course.  I've lied to myself about what I need and want during this short time I'm here with the rest of those on this planet.  I've accepted that at my age, it's time to drastically scale back on the dreaming.   "Who is this person?", I asked.  At what point did it simply become OK to exist?

The answers:  A person who has let life's pain scare the living shit out of him.  And, it's NOT OK to simply exist.

That's when I made the decision to move to Denver in the spring of 2015.  So with this, I've begun taking steps to get things in order.  While I don't have everything worked out just yet, Virgo is working hard to help make it happen.  And yeah, Virgo is finally putting his amazing talents to work for something that the Heart wants.  When those two work together, anything is possible.

The Bottom Line:  I know you probably thought I was going to get through this entire moment without addressing the fact that I've been absent from writing for over a year now.  For those who have been reading, you know I face everything head on; for better or worse.  I guess my heart just needed some time to find the right path again.  Sometimes when you spend to much time "talking" you can't hear the quiet pleadings of the heart for the noise of your mind.  I took that time to remain quiet and wait.  Here's what I learned...

You can either dream about your dreams or simply go live them.  While the path to your dreams may be filled with everything from tragedy to ecstasy, at least be on that path.  Don't let life's pain and practicality color grey what should be full of bright colors.  Resist the temptation to let people or circumstances convince you that you should be happy living in eternal Winter when there are three other seasons for you to experience.  There's a time to fall back; and there's a time to spring forward.

Don't ignore the spring.

Trash Bag

For those of you who've been taking out the trash since you were a kid like I have been; you will probably recall the many struggles you had trying to get the oftentimes overstuffed plastic bag to break free from the trash can.  Ahhh the good ole days...torn handles, ripped bags, the things you spent all week shoving into the dark have now spilled out on the floor for all to see.  What's worse is that many times you were not only forced to SEE all your gross trash, but also forced to touch it after it has become decomposed and slimy!  I found myself nearly thrust back to those very moments this morning.  While half asleep, I thought to myself, "now would be a great time to take out the trash".  Who does that?  At any rate, there I was trying to pry out a bloated bag of trash from what seemed like a trash can that didn't want to say goodbye just yet.  Then as the sleepy fog shifted just a bit, I remembered that if you just lift up on the bag slowly and kind of just hold the bag and can up in the air just a bit...then pause; the can will usually just slide off on its own.  It's not a method for the impatient (which I can be), but highly effective for avoiding a trashy debacle. 

This, of course, got me thinking.  Because why wouldn't trash inspire me at the crack of dawn?  Isn't that like life?  Over the years we get stuffed with trash...bad choices, bad exes, bad habits, bad ideas, bad clothes, bad behavior, or bad hair days.  Life's trash bag gets swollen and bloated to the point that the walls of our being or soul become tightly pressed up against it.  Most of us will take out the trash from time to time, but how effective are we at managing our trash?  

Do we cram all our trash in until we can't anymore, then forcefully try to rip it out in a hurry?  Perhaps, we end up having to remove some of the trash and place it in another bag so we can somehow manage to get it out.  Or just maybe some of us turn the whole can over in an attempt to free ourselves of the trash in our lives.  Worse yet, perhaps we just leave the trash, hoping that someone else will take it out for us.  In my moment of sleepy diligence, I was reminded that a little patience and planning go a long way.  

The Bottom Line:
When it comes to life's trash, don't let your trash get too full in the first place.  Take your trash out regularly.  Don't try to rip it out too fast and risk spilling your trash all over the place. Don't expect other to take out your trash.  And for god's sake...don't take out your trash while you are half asleep!  

Bar None

So, it’s a “late spring in January” kind of a day here in my hometown.  I’m wearing a tank-top and it feels amazing.  I started out with lunch.  As a sat on the patio relaxing and enjoying something called a chicken cheeseburger, I couldn’t help but notice all the people gathering at the bar across the street...a bar that I’ve been to more times than I care to admit.  

It’s interesting how the bars play such a huge role in my people’s culture.  By “my people”, I’m referring to the gays.  I’ve struggled over the years to understand why bars seem to be the only place we like to congregate.  I don’t really care for the bars.  So, of course I packed up my laptop and decided to plop down right in the middle of one!  I’ve made a habit of forcing myself into awkward scenarios in an effort to keep my mind outside the box.  Trust me when I say that typing away in the middle of a meat market is highly awkward!  So, I pulled out my laptop and began observing and writing.  I think I’ve been able to categorize the things I’ve seen today...

The Social Queens - 

These are the guys who show up just to be seen.  This is as much a production as anything you would ever see on broadway.  Hair is sprayed into submission.  Clothes are two sizes too small.  On a side note, that baby Gap look only works on 1 out of every 20 gay men.  The social queens are laughing at things that aren’t funny, throwing back drinks faster than the bartender can pour, and generally doing everything short of setting off fireworks in an effort to be noticed.  

The Sex Queens - 

I think we all know what these folks are doing.  Ummm yeah...looking for sex.  They are the least complicated individuals in all of gaydom.  

The Drag Queens - 

Albeit they are not typically “made up”, you can always spot them by their high-arched eyebrows and affinity for comfy sweatpants.  You can also spot that “I took off all my makeup at about 4am this morning” look.  Hey, I’m not making this up.  

The Sporty Queens - 

These are the ones who want to accentuate every muscle in their overly worked out, usually out-of-proportion bodies.  Think top-heavy...90 inch chest and legs you could clean small pipes with.  It’s amazing that they have time to even make it to a bar considering they are always propped up on a bench-press machine.  

The Old Queens - 

I have an agreement with my best friend to have him stab me in the face if I ever find myself in this group.  These are the men of considerable age who have never quite found a life outside a bar.  My cut off age is currently 45.  45 is the LAST age.  If I should feel the need to adjust the age, it would be younger...not older.  

The “In Love” Queens - 

These are the ones who are with the “man of the moment”; proudly displaying each other like Grammy awards on a shelf.  They will be broken up after about two months of hot sex and one-too-many date nights at the bar.  

The Bottom Line:

Queens come and go, but the bars...they are forever.  While I don’t pretend to completely understand the correlation between gay life and the clubs and bars; I know that in some fashion it’s our haven...our little slice of the world where we can completely be ourselves without fear of judgement (this excludes fashion judgement).  I suppose at some point I will just stop trying to figure out the bar crowd and resolve that much like Republican nominees for President, it’s a necessary evil.  ;-)  

The Dark Side of the Moon

It's a cool Saturday in a city just outside Atlanta.  I'm sitting in a hotel room trying to figure out how I'm going to write the words that will follow this sentence.  I'm all about giving my readers the moment and the truth; but this promises to be one of the more difficult things that I've written.

A few days prior to my 30th birthday, life was good.  I had a huge birthday bash planned.  My boyfriend at the time was handling all the arrangements.  I even had a decent and balanced perspective on turning 30.  I had managed to avoid wanting to hang myself from the ceiling fan or the shower rod because I was "getting old".  Other than being a little under the weather, I was doing well.  I decided to go see my family doctor for a check-up.  In general, I felt great so I didn't think much of it.  I'd always go in on a weekday, mid-morning, and always get my check-up results back the very next afternoon.  They were very efficient that way.

The following day, I called in for my results.  The blood work was still in a pending status.  The next day was the same.  On the third day, I spoke to my very favorite nurse over the phone.  She wasn't her usual outrageous and playful self.  Her voice was quiet and troubled.  She said, "Honey, when can you come in to see the doctor?".  Not being one to drag my feet, I made an appointment.  While she didn't tell me anything over the phone, I somehow knew what was unfolding before me.  About five days passed before I was able to make it in for my appointment.   I went alone.  My nurse and doctor came into the room and told me something that would change my life forever.  "David, we ran all your standard blood work.  You tested positive for HIV."  The words just hung there like a London fog.  My favorite nurse held my hand as tears rolled down my face.  The doctor began explaining the next steps but most of his words were just washed away with my tears.  

I've only ever cried so much one other time in my life.  I honestly don't remember the days in between the news and telling my boyfriend.  I was a mess on the inside.  Some who already know my story, have said that I am a remarkably strong person.  I don't really feel strong, but then again, this kind of strength is not the kind that advertises itself with fanfare.

I guess I decided to share this very personal part of my life for a few reasons.  As with any major life trial, one can feel desperate and alone.  I wouldn't wish the feelings I experienced during that time on anyone.  I've refrained from telling many people because of the stigma that goes along with having HIV.  I wish people were more educated but as with many things in life, until it affects you, you pay it no attention.  So, after making my way out of the "I'm gay" closet, I felt forced into yet another.

Here is what I'd like you all to take away from this moment that I've shared with you...

For those of you who have been diagnosed... You are not alone!  Find someone to talk to; perhaps a professional or a friend you can trust.  Don't go through this alone.  This hurts in a way that does not compare to many things.  Know that when the dust settles on your diagnosis, you will feel like living again.  You will thrive.  You will feel loved again.  Walk toward the light and know that while it may take some time to feel...normal...that time will come.

For those who don't know much about HIV or AIDS...  Google it.  Talk about it.  Understand it.  Life is entirely too short to think it couldn't happen to you or someone that you love.  You should also know that it's no longer a death sentence!  Provided I can reduce my road-rage, I will outlive most of those reading this...trust and believe!  You must understand how it's contracted, how to prevent it, and how to support those in your life who have it.  Stop being afraid of what you don't understand and  dispense with falling back on ignorance as an excuse for poor attitudes.

The Bottom Line:
At one time, having HIV felt like being on the dark side of the moon.  I was lonely and isolated.  I felt the cold of mortality creeping in.  Honestly, I felt like trash.  It felt like the end of dating.  It felt like the end of love and happiness.  It felt like the end of my life.  Once the fog lifted and I made the choice to educate myself and to keep on living; I was able to see that nothing could be further from the truth.  Have things changed?  Of course!  It has taken me a great deal of time, but I am finally finding the purpose in all this.  I hope that my story will inspire you to approach yourself and others with love and compassion.  HIV positive or not, we are all going through something and could benefit from the light of love.


Click here to learn about HIV.

The Bench

In the highly competitive world of dating and relationships, have you ever found yourself feeling like you are constantly coming off the bench?  Do you get the sneaky feeling that you are a back-up, a last resort, or a role player?  The "role" being that of a booty call or perhaps something that just feels comfortable...you know...like an extra large raggedy sweat shirt.  What happens when you look up one day and find yourself at what seems like the very end of the bench?  Don't worry yourself with how the hell you got there.  Just ask yourself... How the fuck do I get back in the game?


There are a few ways that I can see...

The Trade

Put the time into bettering yourself.  Work on your "shot".  Wait until you're ready for free-agency and then get the hell off the team!  You have something to offer.  You have skills that have yet to be discovered.  Take your talents to South Beach like LeBron James if necessary, but GET OUT!  Why be on the bench with one team when you can be the star on a team that appreciates all that you bring to the table?

Sign an Extension

Look, this all depends on where exactly you are in your "contract".  The beginning?  Perhaps this is the option for you.  Give it some time.  See if things settle down.  The middle?  It could really go either way.  Where do you see this "team" going?  Is there any real potential to win?  The end?  I've never been one for sticking around just because something is comfortable and familiar.  Who wants to waste their time on something that has never and probably will never work?   If you're at the ass end, it's probably time to venture into free agency.    

Retirement

While this seems like the best option when you're feeling down and out, you should probably save this option for last.  After all...40 is the new 20...60 the new 40...so on and so forth.  No need to step away from the game while you are still in your prime!


After years of being an option and a bench player (both in and out of a relationship), I've come to realize that I have way more to offer on the court than I do on the sidelines.  I've allowed others to place me on the bench as a "just in case".  Well, I'm putting the world on notice.  I won't be a second, third, or twelfth option!   I won't be the asshole who comes in only for a trick play or when all other options have dried up.  I will be THE option.  I don't need to lead the league in scoring.  I just need to be the number one option on my particular team.  Hopefully I didn't lose you with all my sports metaphors or bore you to death.  I just couldn't help but notice all the similarities between sports and relationships.

The Bottom Line: Too many options is a nightmare when you are a child.  Let a child have too many choices and they will either pick everything or nothing at all.  Sometimes it doesn't change when we grow up.  At times, we can be a bunch of semi-responsible extra large children.  It's unfortunate.  There are too many teams to play for in the world for you to just accept being the last of many options.

Shine like the star you are!  


   

It's Midnight. Now What?

I've written about facilitating your own fairy tale in my piece entitled:  Get Your Ass In The Pumpkin!!!!  So, what happens when you get in the pumpkin, show up for the big event with your brave face on, and the clock still has the nerve to strike midnight?

I can deal with the vanishing fancy clothes.  I can manage making my way around town in my own ride.  Hell, I've got enough flip-flops to keep me from really missing a stray shoe.  At the same time, what I can't seem to deal with is all the questions that inevitably follow.  Does anyone care enough to return my "shoe"?  How long will it take for "Prince Charming" to realize that's it's not normal to find one random shoe just lying around?  Is Prince Charming only interested in bangin me in the back of the pumpkin?  And here we go...Question after question, with not a real answer in sight.

Does the answer lie within?  Maybe I should be happy to have had one night with a Prince.  Perhaps I should just be grateful to be a part of a magical evening that not many people have the chance to experience.  I believe there is a balance to be found between complacency and contentment. I'm just not sure I understand how to achieve it.

While all my above ramblings seem metaphorical, the reality is that people all over the world struggle with with this issue every single time they open themselves up to someone they care about.  Everyone wants a happy ending.  Most people want to believe that love is possible, even in the most unlikely places. While I still wholeheartedly believe that a fairy tale takes effort, there are some things which are simply out of our control.


The Bottom Line:  While getting your ass in the pumpkin is important, one has to prepare for what happens next. We can't just plan for that one fairy tale moment in life.  We have to give consideration to what happens once the clock strikes midnight.  After all, who wants to be seen running all over town wearing rags?  

Groundhog Day

Human behavior is a very curious and ridiculous thing.  As children, we learn tough lessons about touching hot surfaces. We touch a hot pan or place our hand in the oven and instantly learn that we shouldn't touch things that are too hot. When I was growing up, I learned that if I talked back to my mother, I'd get my ass whipped.  The pain of the spanking was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow most days.  

When it comes to love and life in general, things tend to be remarkably different. We can make the same mistakes over and over and over again and we keep going right back for more.  We can even be privy to the past experiences of others and we couldn't care less.  Cautionary tales and sorted horror stories aren't even enough to prevent us from heading face-first into life's "brick walls".   

I've been told my entire life... "Everyone has to make their own mistakes."  As I get older, I can't help but ask... Why?  Why do we have to make our own mistakes?  Why don't we learn from the proof that is right before our eyes?  Is it arrogance?  Maybe we think that we are above making the same miscalculations that our predecessors did.  Perhaps it's a sense of inevitability that we give in to...I'm going to screw up anyway so why not?

As stupid as the notion that everyone HAS to make mistakes sounds, it seems to be some sort of "law" of nature.  I'm learning though, that there is a fine line between making your own mistakes and being fully engaged in your very own Groundhog Day.  

The Bottom Line:  As Samantha Jones from Sex and the City says: Have fun, just don't have amnesia.  Being doomed to repeat history is not the only option.  Perhaps we should walk the path of the shepherd rather than that of the sheep. 

Take a Brake

My Car's Brake Pad

(In my best Golden Girl Sophia Petrillo voice)  Picture it... Friday, September 14...I'm making my way to the park for my 3 mile run.  I pull up to my normal parking space and try to come to a stop.  My foot (and brake pedal) hit the floor.  My car keeps rolling.  Luckily, I wasn't going fast and there was nothing in front of me.  I was able to come to a stop using my emergency brake.  When my brake pedal hit the floor, I heard something that sounded like metal hit the ground.  I'd find out later it was my brake pad (shown above) or what was left of it anyway.  

I spent the entire weekend trapped in the house.  My mechanic was not available until Monday.  I had all sorts of plans.  They were all promptly canceled. I spent the entire weekend confined to my home like Lindsay Lohan or Martha Stewart (minus the sexy ankle bracelet).  In the hours that passed, I think I did more cleaning, organizing, and DVD watching than I'd done in the entire last year.  

During this sequestration, I also had way too much time to think.  It was painful at times.  In the week following the brake pad incident, I couldn't help but notice how rusty and greasy and gross it was (yes, I kept it lying around on my desk...don't judge me!).  To me, it looked exactly how that weekend at home felt.  Then it kind of clicked... The "brake break" was a good thing!  I'd finally come to realize that I needed that weekend.  I needed that moment for my world to stop spinning.  I needed the noise of being social to quiet.  I needed to face some things that I'd been ignoring.  Had I not been forced to stop, my personal revelations may have taken months to surface.  

As cliche as it sounds, sometimes we really do need the world around us to pause...the sports, the movies, the bars, the clubs, the parties, the dates, and the rest of the social butterfly routine.  Taking an extended moment to acknowledge our feelings, desires, fears, hopes, and dreams can be invaluable.  It can be invigorating.  It can be life-saving.  

The Bottom Line:

The next time you have to slam on your brakes, consider this...Sometimes the only way to get a break is to hit the brakes.  Remember, a break isn't a bad thing.  Not taking one can be.

Stripped

Shown Above: Male Stripper by Marlene Dumas 1999

I had sex with a male stripper today.  Now, get that manure munching look off your face and continue reading.  Yes, you read correctly.  That, however, is not the point.  I make no apologies.  I say the things that need to be said.  Think what you will, I am now a firm believer in the saying "strippers need love too".

After what has seemed like way too long, I decided to allow myself to let loose and have a little responsible fun.  I met a stripper (dancer) who I will call "Peter".  I think that's appropriate.  Peter and I met via a social network app; but that's not important either.  What is important is that I got a first-hand look into the life of one of these mythical creatures.  These unicorns of night-life.  What I experienced left me a little sad and abundantly pensive.


I met a beautiful yet lonely soul.  I saw a man who was  clinging to boyhood.  I witnessed someone with hardly a friend in the world.  He was a person who, on the outside, was desirable beyond words; with eyes that could entrance anyone.  I saw someone who is an object of lust for many men...and a few confused women.  I met an individual who couldn't see his own worth.  This man had so much, yet not nearly enough.  I wondered, how does a person get to this point?  I could speculate for days.  I won't though.  

What I will take away from this experience is that there are many people in the world who are in desperate need of a loving influence in life.  Some people go about finding this in all the wrong ways.  Some spend the majority of their lives seeking this in the eyes and words of strangers.  Some, wade in the pool of familiarity, seeking the very same affirmation and love from those they know.  If one doesn't love one's self, one can quickly become none.

The Bottom Line: Sex with strippers may be shocking, laughable, or perhaps even disgusting.  I never back away from my decisions.  I never make excuses, nor do I have the desire to justify my very grown up life.  I will say that it turned out to be way more than hot sex.  It was a lesson in the power of love and the devastation that having no love can inflict.  Life is short.  Love yourself.  Don't get lost in another's eyes.

Family Fallout

What happens when you are born into a family that is destined to fail?  Where do you go to find that sense of tradition and heritage?  I think back to my own family history and the answers to those questions seem further away than ever.  I was born into family "fallout", somewhere between belonging and not.  I'm the bastard son of my mom and my dad who were dating at the time.  My dad, who is African-American, was secretly married to an African-American woman.  He had a family of his own and a penchant for affairs with white women.  He would never marry a white woman though, because he is too much of a coward.   As daring as his affairs were, he wasn't daring enough to keep honest relationships.  My mother, on the other hand, was a divorcée with three children from that marriage.  They were Anglo.  I mention race because it plays a huge role in my life, as it relates to family.

When I was born, my mother still used her married last name.  My father was listed as such on the birth certificate but I was given my mothers married last name.  At some point, my mother decided I should go by my father's last name and proceed to use it regularly.  It wasn't until I was a teenager that she requested that it be legally changed.  Though a judge signed a name change order as a part of child support hearings, she never had my birth certificate changed.  To this day I am legally somewhere in between Ross and Jackson.

To complicate matters, I am the only child from either side of my family that is of mixed race.  I'm not Black.  I'm definitely not White.  I'm just me.  It's a shame how we lose ambiguity as we become adults.  The fog lifts and suddenly we see the world for what it really is...Black or White.  I was raised around "white" people and until I started trying to date, I felt no different than those around me.

I don't communicate with my father or his side of the family anymore.  There was a time where I tried but for my "black siblings", I think I represented their father's unfaithfulness and the damage that was inflicted upon their family by all his whorish behavior.  They were very polite but never put much effort into getting to know me.  I can't say I blame them.  My mother's side of the family is another story.  I was very close to my two sisters growing up.  I couldn't have asked for better sisters.  My brother spent most of his time at his father's place so we really didn't get to know each other until recently.  My relationship with my sisters has changed dramatically over the past several years.  I'm not sure why or how this has happened.  There was no definitive event that took place.  There has been no feud.  I honestly believe it's just our family "nature" taking it's course.  It's sad to see how far we have all drifted apart.  We barely speak, although I have made the majority of the effort to keep in touch.  They live in Oklahoma and travel here often to see friends and family(I'm not in that equation apparently).  The state of the "union" is not great.

After reading on Facebook about yet another trip here to Texas , one that I had no clue was happening, I decided to delete my siblings from Facebook.  I don't need a daily reminder that I am being ignored by my so-called family.  I'd rather not know they were in town at all if they won't bother to pick up the phone and let me know.  I've been relegated to a common Facebook acquaintance and as stupid as it sounds, it hurts.

The Bottom Line:

There are about twenty definitions of the word family in the dictionary.  The one that I find most intriguing is the definition as related to math (shown below).

Mathematics:

a given class of solutions of the same basic equation, differing from one another only by the different values assigned to the constants in the equation.

I realize now that we are all just "solutions" of the same basic equation.  We all have different values.  I see that it's time for me to release my understanding of the word Family and move on.  While there will always be the pain of "what could could have been", there is no sense in ignoring definitions that make more sense than the ones I've been using for years.  It's time for me to seek out those people that have the same values and build lasting relationships.  I always love a good math problem for any relationship woe.  

Reflections snoitcelfeR

Girl Before A Mirror (1932)  -  Pablo Picasso

As I sat at a glass table outside today, I couldn't help but notice the grand reflection of the mid-day sky.  It made me think about reflections in general and their parallels to everyday life.  Not only is it possible to see yourself in a reflection but it's also possible to see what's behind you.  It's that "behind you" part that really started to grab my attention.  In life, is what's behind us even more important that what's to come...or what is happening now?  There are many schools of thought about "the past" and if one should spend time dwelling on it or learning from it and so on. While I feel as though there should be a balance in all things, I wonder how good it is to revisit the past.

It also occurs to me that if we spend all our time looking behind us, that we can miss ourselves in the reflection...hell, we can miss the actual mirror itself!  Maybe the point of life's reflections is that we spend time looking at everything reflected in the mirror making sure not to forget the importance of the reflection we see or the importance of having a mirror in the first place.  After all...with out life (the mirror), there really are no reflections(self and experiences).  

Mirror mirror on the wall...

The Big Kiss Off

I love how shocked everyone is over this ridiculous "in the moment"(in the moment my ass) American Music Award kiss.  Did anyone really expect Adam Lambert to act differently?  Be serious.  He's been a pair of boobs away from a drag queen for almost a year now!  Let's get something out of the way before we go any further.

I do not care for Adam Lambert as a person.  I don't think he's the best representative of the gay community.  He tries to dismiss the fact that he's a role model but he is...like it or not.  I guess that's what people want to see because that's the kind of person we keep putting out there.

That said, I do believe that he has a point about an entertainment double standard.  As a society we have far less of a problem watching Madonna, Britney, and Christina share a lesbian moment on an award show.  Oh, but let one pseudo famous gay guy decide to kiss his band member and people are crying into their AMA popcorn.  Give me a break.  In a country where sex between straight people is a multi-billion dollar industry and on-screen romps are commonplace (even in daytime), this should not surprise anyone.  Let's not get our underwear in a twist because of a gay kiss.  Gays are not going away and in fact are becoming more high profile every day.  It's a fact of life.  Get over it already.  To those who will belly-ache about their children seeing that...quit trying to pretend that your child will never or can never, know, go to school with, date, be friends with, or meet a gay person.  Instead, how about you teach your children that some boys and girls are different that way.  Then maybe you can skip the whole "shock and awe" routine when your child happens upon a gay moment somewhere.

The Bottom Line:
While I don't really care for Adam Lambert, I am glad he took his little political stand.   After a year of states bashing gay marriage, gay rights, and everything else that is "gay", it was nice to see someone just go out and be who they wanted to be...for all the world to see.  I believe it was equal parts gimmick and protest.  He gets an B for effort though.  He also gets an A for that kiss!  Wowza!

Fear, Love, & Freedom - January 27, 2003

I stare into the face of evil
Tempting fate to snare my foot

I long to love and run to its call
But love cried wolf

Now I fear for my life
Hoping that darkness doesn’t catch me this time

I asked God to spare me this fate
I get no immediate answer

So now I deny myself for a time
Waiting to hear

This is a lonely vacuum
Empty, without conscience

Silence has bronzed
It is the constant sound now

I wait for answers
For love I wait

My heart cries aloud
Fear mocks my heart

Love pities my fear
Fear slows my love

Oh Heavens, help me
Reach down to save me from this fall

Deliver my love to a place of refuge
Nurse it back to health

Then set it free once again


~ By David Jackson

Sunspot - Perfect Imperfection

I call this collection Sunspot because the white image in the background is an actual photo of the Sun. In some of these photos you can see sunspots to the left(smaller) or the right(larger). The human form in these photos is mine. I found it intriguing that both the Sun and Humans have imperfections that are not a detriment and can actually be a thing of beauty. A sunspot, by definition, is an area on the surface of the Sun that has intense magnetic activity. These imperfections produce the following phenomena:

Areas of reduced temperature on the surface of the Sun, which I compare to Humans who exhibit grace under fire...

Beautiful and elegant light formations called Coronal Loops, which I compare to Human creativity...

Solar Flares, that release tremendous amounts of energy which have far reaching effects. I compare this to the Human Spirit, which can deliver someone out of the darkest places in life while forever changing future generations.

The moral of this photographic story is... Don't shy away from your imperfections. They can make you a thing of beauty if you let them. I hope you enjoy. See the photos below...

Time & Punishment

Do you ever have one of those moments where you start to wonder if perhaps you are being punished for something you've done? Having wondered that...ever have a hard time figuring out what the hell that might have been? I know I do.

In January 2010 it will have been 7 years since I left my ex-wife, an idea that we both agreed was best. Since then, I have struggled in every way imaginable. My ex-wife has struggled to let go of the past. My kids have struggled more than any of us. They struggle to understand why things are different now. They struggle with hearing two versions of how the world turns. They get the narrow-minded, bigoted version with their mother and step-dad. They get the "realist" version from me.

I won't pretend that my decision to come out as a gay man hasn't come at a high price. It was, however, less about being gay and more about being honest with myself and everyone else in my life. Fast forward to today... I can't help but wonder if I am paying too high a price for that decision. Am I being punished for trying to lead an honest life? Sometimes it seems like the criminals in this world are the only ones who really enjoy life. Should I have kept lying? I feel like the answer to this line of questioning is a big fat NO...but I feel like I've served my time. I've taken my punishment. When is it time for me to join the land of the living again?

They say Karma is a bitch. I'm starting to think she's a bitch with the memory of an elephant. I need Karma to give me a damn break. I am not asking to get away with anything. I'm not asking that the effects of my decisions be wiped away for all time. I am being very realistic here...after all, I am a Virgo. I just want to take this moment to appeal to Karma and let her know...

I don't want to be wealthy. I just want to be able to provide for myself and my kids and be OK.

I don't want the romance of the ages. I just want to meet someone who is honest, loving, faithful, and sexy...not Gilles Marini sexy...but cute. I don't think that's too much to ask...is it?

I don't want a McMansion. I just want a home or apartment with room enough for me and my children.

I don't want the chauffeur driven limo. I just want something dependable that won't embarrass me or my kids while we are driving around. :-)

At any rate, I don't believe I want too much. I don't believe I want more than I deserve. I just have this nagging feeling that Karma has other designs on what my sentence should be. I can only hope for a little credit for good behavior to help get me out of what can only be described as jail.

Liar Liar, Pants On Fire!

In this complicated world we live in sometimes the line between truth and fiction can be greatly blurred. Hell, sometimes people can take that line, dance on it, swing it around, and then bury it in their closet with the rest of their skeletons! Why is it that some people have this insatiable need to make their life into something it's not? Why must they create an imaginary world and expect you to live in it with them? I am all for creating your "own world", but only if it's REAL.

These same people then wonder, with genuine intensity, why others will not buy into their lies...their "knock-off coach bag", if you will. Society is becoming more and more artificial by the day. Is this a road we really want to travel down? Do we really want to live a lie more than we want to live the truth? I, above all, know that the truth is sometimes extremely ugly. Sometimes we are not honest with even ourselves because we don't like how the truth sounds when we say it out loud. I get that. However, I honestly believe the only way to live free is in the light. I do not believe in creating a false existence in which to live. There is no point.

Exhibit A: I offer you "JC"...

This is a man (pictured above) that I believed I would be with forever. I didn't realize that he was a con-artist and the Exalted Supreme Emperor of Falsehood. Ours was a story to be told. Little did I know that story would end up being a work of fiction. There were many dots(also known as red flags) when it came to "JC". It took me a while to connect those dots. Once I did, however, the story began to sour faster than 16 day old milk in an unplugged refrigerator. There were lies about so many things. I couldn't possibly go into all of them here...after all, this is a blog not a novel. My point really is that "JC" not only lied...but created a work of fiction that would rival any Oprah Book Club member...and for what? There is never any reason to lie (except for gift giving and surprise party scenarios). In the end, I dismissed "JC". Why? At the end of the day, I'd always have more questions than answers...because I'd never be able to trust him after the assortment of lies he offered up as reality.

Through this entire "JC" ordeal I learned a couple of things. My instincts are RAZOR SHARP. I knew something was off. I took the time to find the missing link, which happened to be in my nightstand just waiting to be found. I won't go into it here but let's just say in involved a flash-drive. My instincts led me to the truth, as they have time and again with everyone from friends to lovers. I will NOT doubt them again.

The second thing I learned is I want to continue to live my life in the truth. I want to surround myself with truth. The people I allow in my life should be people who value truth and believe in it as much as I do. Life is so very short. We are here for a mere moment and then we are gone. There is no time to live in a web of lies. I've been there before...see Granted, it took me years to realize that I was living my own lie. Once I saw it for what it was I made that change. I stepped into the light and have never looked back.

As I reflect on the hows, the whys, the ifs of my "JC" fiction, I realize everything happens for a reason and though that is one of the cliches I hate the most sometimes...it's the truest one I can think of. After going through all this drama and turning 33 in the process, I have no regrets for what I went through, or for the choices I made. I've learned a great deal about myself and that has more value than any other thing in this world.

Take from this story what you will. There are many valuable lessons within these experiences. As with all my works, I share this with you in the hopes that it will inspire and entertain you. If I can do this for even one person, it's worth it.

Stay Free!

David Ross Jackson