Take a Brake

My Car's Brake Pad

(In my best Golden Girl Sophia Petrillo voice)  Picture it... Friday, September 14...I'm making my way to the park for my 3 mile run.  I pull up to my normal parking space and try to come to a stop.  My foot (and brake pedal) hit the floor.  My car keeps rolling.  Luckily, I wasn't going fast and there was nothing in front of me.  I was able to come to a stop using my emergency brake.  When my brake pedal hit the floor, I heard something that sounded like metal hit the ground.  I'd find out later it was my brake pad (shown above) or what was left of it anyway.  

I spent the entire weekend trapped in the house.  My mechanic was not available until Monday.  I had all sorts of plans.  They were all promptly canceled. I spent the entire weekend confined to my home like Lindsay Lohan or Martha Stewart (minus the sexy ankle bracelet).  In the hours that passed, I think I did more cleaning, organizing, and DVD watching than I'd done in the entire last year.  

During this sequestration, I also had way too much time to think.  It was painful at times.  In the week following the brake pad incident, I couldn't help but notice how rusty and greasy and gross it was (yes, I kept it lying around on my desk...don't judge me!).  To me, it looked exactly how that weekend at home felt.  Then it kind of clicked... The "brake break" was a good thing!  I'd finally come to realize that I needed that weekend.  I needed that moment for my world to stop spinning.  I needed the noise of being social to quiet.  I needed to face some things that I'd been ignoring.  Had I not been forced to stop, my personal revelations may have taken months to surface.  

As cliche as it sounds, sometimes we really do need the world around us to pause...the sports, the movies, the bars, the clubs, the parties, the dates, and the rest of the social butterfly routine.  Taking an extended moment to acknowledge our feelings, desires, fears, hopes, and dreams can be invaluable.  It can be invigorating.  It can be life-saving.  

The Bottom Line:

The next time you have to slam on your brakes, consider this...Sometimes the only way to get a break is to hit the brakes.  Remember, a break isn't a bad thing.  Not taking one can be.

Family Fallout

What happens when you are born into a family that is destined to fail?  Where do you go to find that sense of tradition and heritage?  I think back to my own family history and the answers to those questions seem further away than ever.  I was born into family "fallout", somewhere between belonging and not.  I'm the bastard son of my mom and my dad who were dating at the time.  My dad, who is African-American, was secretly married to an African-American woman.  He had a family of his own and a penchant for affairs with white women.  He would never marry a white woman though, because he is too much of a coward.   As daring as his affairs were, he wasn't daring enough to keep honest relationships.  My mother, on the other hand, was a divorcée with three children from that marriage.  They were Anglo.  I mention race because it plays a huge role in my life, as it relates to family.

When I was born, my mother still used her married last name.  My father was listed as such on the birth certificate but I was given my mothers married last name.  At some point, my mother decided I should go by my father's last name and proceed to use it regularly.  It wasn't until I was a teenager that she requested that it be legally changed.  Though a judge signed a name change order as a part of child support hearings, she never had my birth certificate changed.  To this day I am legally somewhere in between Ross and Jackson.

To complicate matters, I am the only child from either side of my family that is of mixed race.  I'm not Black.  I'm definitely not White.  I'm just me.  It's a shame how we lose ambiguity as we become adults.  The fog lifts and suddenly we see the world for what it really is...Black or White.  I was raised around "white" people and until I started trying to date, I felt no different than those around me.

I don't communicate with my father or his side of the family anymore.  There was a time where I tried but for my "black siblings", I think I represented their father's unfaithfulness and the damage that was inflicted upon their family by all his whorish behavior.  They were very polite but never put much effort into getting to know me.  I can't say I blame them.  My mother's side of the family is another story.  I was very close to my two sisters growing up.  I couldn't have asked for better sisters.  My brother spent most of his time at his father's place so we really didn't get to know each other until recently.  My relationship with my sisters has changed dramatically over the past several years.  I'm not sure why or how this has happened.  There was no definitive event that took place.  There has been no feud.  I honestly believe it's just our family "nature" taking it's course.  It's sad to see how far we have all drifted apart.  We barely speak, although I have made the majority of the effort to keep in touch.  They live in Oklahoma and travel here often to see friends and family(I'm not in that equation apparently).  The state of the "union" is not great.

After reading on Facebook about yet another trip here to Texas , one that I had no clue was happening, I decided to delete my siblings from Facebook.  I don't need a daily reminder that I am being ignored by my so-called family.  I'd rather not know they were in town at all if they won't bother to pick up the phone and let me know.  I've been relegated to a common Facebook acquaintance and as stupid as it sounds, it hurts.

The Bottom Line:

There are about twenty definitions of the word family in the dictionary.  The one that I find most intriguing is the definition as related to math (shown below).

Mathematics:

a given class of solutions of the same basic equation, differing from one another only by the different values assigned to the constants in the equation.

I realize now that we are all just "solutions" of the same basic equation.  We all have different values.  I see that it's time for me to release my understanding of the word Family and move on.  While there will always be the pain of "what could could have been", there is no sense in ignoring definitions that make more sense than the ones I've been using for years.  It's time for me to seek out those people that have the same values and build lasting relationships.  I always love a good math problem for any relationship woe.  

Verbose or Wordful?

As I ponder my own place in the wonderful market-place of words, I can't help but wonder how many different ways there are to say the same thing.  Someone I know jokingly described himself as "wordful", which made me laugh out loud.  It's funny to me, that's funny weird...not funny ha-ha, how so many people use all kinds of words to say the very same thing.  We use words for more than just relaying information.  We use words to prove points, convey emotions, to uplift, to condemn, to play games, to defend, and to attack.


Word are given even greater power when paired with sound or tone of voice.  Words are curious things.  Words were "created" to help us understand and communicate, yet I find that sometimes words do just the opposite.  Words can be too vague or general for us to understand the true meaning behind them.  Sometimes words just get in the way all together.  I find in many cases, when it comes to words, less truly is more.  I think maybe that's why I like music so much.  It's short on words for the most part and long on composition and complex simplicity...if there is such a thing.  :-)

The Bottom Line
The next time you find yourself bogged down in a war of words, just shut up and turn on some music.  It will make everything right as rain.

Tiger's Wood

Am I the only one who is not surprised by the Tiger Woods drama?  I don't know why everyone is SO shocked by his recent indiscretion or family "let-down".  In a country where you have better odds of surviving certain types of cancer than surviving a marriage, why should anyone really be shocked?

I think it would have been more shocking to realize he had been driving drunk.  While the story is not nearly as interesting as the vague statements continually released by Tiger, this goes to show you that nobody is perfect.  Maybe this is so shocking for some because of the pedestal these celebrities are placed on.  I've said for a long time that celebrity adoration is out of control.  We live in a media-obsessed world where there are very few laws to protect against the paparazzi over-drive we seem to be in the middle of.  I think it's time we all just take a giant step back from all things celebrity.

Tiger is a man.  He's a man who has women (and some men I'm sure) all over the world throwing themselves at him at every turn so they can be the next ex Mrs. Tiger Woods.  He's a man who lives in an American culture of disposable relationships, limitless power, unending influence, and staggering greed.  The American universe conspires against him.

The Bottom Line:
We live in a place where we always want what we can't have.  Like children, we want someone else's toy.  It doesn't change just because someone is in the media spotlight.  In fact, it may be worse at the "top" of the world.    Let Tiger and his family work out their issues.  The world will still be turning tomorrow and he will get back to golf soon enough.

The Big Kiss Off

I love how shocked everyone is over this ridiculous "in the moment"(in the moment my ass) American Music Award kiss.  Did anyone really expect Adam Lambert to act differently?  Be serious.  He's been a pair of boobs away from a drag queen for almost a year now!  Let's get something out of the way before we go any further.

I do not care for Adam Lambert as a person.  I don't think he's the best representative of the gay community.  He tries to dismiss the fact that he's a role model but he is...like it or not.  I guess that's what people want to see because that's the kind of person we keep putting out there.

That said, I do believe that he has a point about an entertainment double standard.  As a society we have far less of a problem watching Madonna, Britney, and Christina share a lesbian moment on an award show.  Oh, but let one pseudo famous gay guy decide to kiss his band member and people are crying into their AMA popcorn.  Give me a break.  In a country where sex between straight people is a multi-billion dollar industry and on-screen romps are commonplace (even in daytime), this should not surprise anyone.  Let's not get our underwear in a twist because of a gay kiss.  Gays are not going away and in fact are becoming more high profile every day.  It's a fact of life.  Get over it already.  To those who will belly-ache about their children seeing that...quit trying to pretend that your child will never or can never, know, go to school with, date, be friends with, or meet a gay person.  Instead, how about you teach your children that some boys and girls are different that way.  Then maybe you can skip the whole "shock and awe" routine when your child happens upon a gay moment somewhere.

The Bottom Line:
While I don't really care for Adam Lambert, I am glad he took his little political stand.   After a year of states bashing gay marriage, gay rights, and everything else that is "gay", it was nice to see someone just go out and be who they wanted to be...for all the world to see.  I believe it was equal parts gimmick and protest.  He gets an B for effort though.  He also gets an A for that kiss!  Wowza!

Fear, Love, & Freedom - January 27, 2003

I stare into the face of evil
Tempting fate to snare my foot

I long to love and run to its call
But love cried wolf

Now I fear for my life
Hoping that darkness doesn’t catch me this time

I asked God to spare me this fate
I get no immediate answer

So now I deny myself for a time
Waiting to hear

This is a lonely vacuum
Empty, without conscience

Silence has bronzed
It is the constant sound now

I wait for answers
For love I wait

My heart cries aloud
Fear mocks my heart

Love pities my fear
Fear slows my love

Oh Heavens, help me
Reach down to save me from this fall

Deliver my love to a place of refuge
Nurse it back to health

Then set it free once again


~ By David Jackson

Hate This!

To All The Haters...

I know who is responsible for the recent hateful comments left on my blog and your ignorance will no longer be tolerated here. It's a shame that you don't have the courage or character to post your comments under anything other than "anonymous". Your comments have been removed and security measures are now in place to prevent your hateful rhetoric in the future. It's a shame that so many small-minded people still get to walk this earth each and every day spreading hate and intolerance to everyone they possibly can.

While I believe in free speech, I also believe in appropriate behavior. If you want to hate on me because I have a down moment and wish to question MY LIFE, then you are sadder than any post I could ever create. My blog represents my ideals and opinions. Like it or not, I am entitled to that. I will not accept hatred from those who wish to silence me because something I say may reflect poorly upon them. I will not be dissuaded from expressing my views. I will not be bullied by my ex-wife Sandra Renee Bullard, her husband Bart Bullard, or anyone else from their circle of religious bigots.

I will take my life's journey in my way. I will express what I feel I need to. If you don't like it, then I suggest you stop stalking my every word online. You can hate on me all you want, but I will not apologize for my life, my words, my choices, or my thoughts.


Hate This!


Stay Free!

Sunspot - Perfect Imperfection

I call this collection Sunspot because the white image in the background is an actual photo of the Sun. In some of these photos you can see sunspots to the left(smaller) or the right(larger). The human form in these photos is mine. I found it intriguing that both the Sun and Humans have imperfections that are not a detriment and can actually be a thing of beauty. A sunspot, by definition, is an area on the surface of the Sun that has intense magnetic activity. These imperfections produce the following phenomena:

Areas of reduced temperature on the surface of the Sun, which I compare to Humans who exhibit grace under fire...

Beautiful and elegant light formations called Coronal Loops, which I compare to Human creativity...

Solar Flares, that release tremendous amounts of energy which have far reaching effects. I compare this to the Human Spirit, which can deliver someone out of the darkest places in life while forever changing future generations.

The moral of this photographic story is... Don't shy away from your imperfections. They can make you a thing of beauty if you let them. I hope you enjoy. See the photos below...

Time & Punishment

Do you ever have one of those moments where you start to wonder if perhaps you are being punished for something you've done? Having wondered that...ever have a hard time figuring out what the hell that might have been? I know I do.

In January 2010 it will have been 7 years since I left my ex-wife, an idea that we both agreed was best. Since then, I have struggled in every way imaginable. My ex-wife has struggled to let go of the past. My kids have struggled more than any of us. They struggle to understand why things are different now. They struggle with hearing two versions of how the world turns. They get the narrow-minded, bigoted version with their mother and step-dad. They get the "realist" version from me.

I won't pretend that my decision to come out as a gay man hasn't come at a high price. It was, however, less about being gay and more about being honest with myself and everyone else in my life. Fast forward to today... I can't help but wonder if I am paying too high a price for that decision. Am I being punished for trying to lead an honest life? Sometimes it seems like the criminals in this world are the only ones who really enjoy life. Should I have kept lying? I feel like the answer to this line of questioning is a big fat NO...but I feel like I've served my time. I've taken my punishment. When is it time for me to join the land of the living again?

They say Karma is a bitch. I'm starting to think she's a bitch with the memory of an elephant. I need Karma to give me a damn break. I am not asking to get away with anything. I'm not asking that the effects of my decisions be wiped away for all time. I am being very realistic here...after all, I am a Virgo. I just want to take this moment to appeal to Karma and let her know...

I don't want to be wealthy. I just want to be able to provide for myself and my kids and be OK.

I don't want the romance of the ages. I just want to meet someone who is honest, loving, faithful, and sexy...not Gilles Marini sexy...but cute. I don't think that's too much to ask...is it?

I don't want a McMansion. I just want a home or apartment with room enough for me and my children.

I don't want the chauffeur driven limo. I just want something dependable that won't embarrass me or my kids while we are driving around. :-)

At any rate, I don't believe I want too much. I don't believe I want more than I deserve. I just have this nagging feeling that Karma has other designs on what my sentence should be. I can only hope for a little credit for good behavior to help get me out of what can only be described as jail.

Stressed and Taking Prisoners

It occurs to me that there are some in this life who find themselves in a constant state of stress. The reasons could be singular or plural and could range from lack of a bowel movement to trying to take on way too many things in life. It really doesn't matter why. What does matter is that some people like to arrest others with their stress and send them strait to jail! Do not pass GO...do not collect $200.00. I am not sure I will ever fully understand some people's need to inflict their stress on others. I think it's time they all took a deep breath, a good shit, and prioritize. Stop making prisoners out of the people in life that know how to deal with their stress in a healthy way. Learn to cope outside the prison walls. You will live longer and I'm pretty sure everyone else in your life will breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Stay Free!

Liar Liar, Pants On Fire!

In this complicated world we live in sometimes the line between truth and fiction can be greatly blurred. Hell, sometimes people can take that line, dance on it, swing it around, and then bury it in their closet with the rest of their skeletons! Why is it that some people have this insatiable need to make their life into something it's not? Why must they create an imaginary world and expect you to live in it with them? I am all for creating your "own world", but only if it's REAL.

These same people then wonder, with genuine intensity, why others will not buy into their lies...their "knock-off coach bag", if you will. Society is becoming more and more artificial by the day. Is this a road we really want to travel down? Do we really want to live a lie more than we want to live the truth? I, above all, know that the truth is sometimes extremely ugly. Sometimes we are not honest with even ourselves because we don't like how the truth sounds when we say it out loud. I get that. However, I honestly believe the only way to live free is in the light. I do not believe in creating a false existence in which to live. There is no point.

Exhibit A: I offer you "JC"...

This is a man (pictured above) that I believed I would be with forever. I didn't realize that he was a con-artist and the Exalted Supreme Emperor of Falsehood. Ours was a story to be told. Little did I know that story would end up being a work of fiction. There were many dots(also known as red flags) when it came to "JC". It took me a while to connect those dots. Once I did, however, the story began to sour faster than 16 day old milk in an unplugged refrigerator. There were lies about so many things. I couldn't possibly go into all of them here...after all, this is a blog not a novel. My point really is that "JC" not only lied...but created a work of fiction that would rival any Oprah Book Club member...and for what? There is never any reason to lie (except for gift giving and surprise party scenarios). In the end, I dismissed "JC". Why? At the end of the day, I'd always have more questions than answers...because I'd never be able to trust him after the assortment of lies he offered up as reality.

Through this entire "JC" ordeal I learned a couple of things. My instincts are RAZOR SHARP. I knew something was off. I took the time to find the missing link, which happened to be in my nightstand just waiting to be found. I won't go into it here but let's just say in involved a flash-drive. My instincts led me to the truth, as they have time and again with everyone from friends to lovers. I will NOT doubt them again.

The second thing I learned is I want to continue to live my life in the truth. I want to surround myself with truth. The people I allow in my life should be people who value truth and believe in it as much as I do. Life is so very short. We are here for a mere moment and then we are gone. There is no time to live in a web of lies. I've been there before...see Granted, it took me years to realize that I was living my own lie. Once I saw it for what it was I made that change. I stepped into the light and have never looked back.

As I reflect on the hows, the whys, the ifs of my "JC" fiction, I realize everything happens for a reason and though that is one of the cliches I hate the most sometimes...it's the truest one I can think of. After going through all this drama and turning 33 in the process, I have no regrets for what I went through, or for the choices I made. I've learned a great deal about myself and that has more value than any other thing in this world.

Take from this story what you will. There are many valuable lessons within these experiences. As with all my works, I share this with you in the hopes that it will inspire and entertain you. If I can do this for even one person, it's worth it.

Stay Free!

David Ross Jackson

Get Your Ass In The Pumpkin!!!!

I'm sitting here on this lazy Sunday afternoon trying to think through the the phrase Happily Ever After. I was thinking back to Rapunzel and Cinderella. The two things these chicks had in common is that they had the nerve to "show up"...to make things happen. I mean, Rapunzel let her hair down. Otherwise, she might have never lived happily ever after. After all, if it were not for missing her hair appointment for her entire life and then using that mop to bust out of her version of Alcatraz, she would still be up there with only her frumpy hair-do and a frown.

Cinderella, on the other hand could have put on the dress and gotten all dolled up only to say, "I'm not good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or brave enough to pull this off". If she hadn't taken the initiative to actually get her ass in the pumpkin and "get her party on" she would have never lived happily ever after!

I guess my observation is: Unless we take steps to bring about our own "happily ever after" it really won't happen on it's own. Fairy tales really DO exist but there is more work involved than simply daydreaming about them. You have to let your hair down. Not only do you have to "put the dress on", you have to get your behind in the pumpkin and floor it. Otherwise, Happily Ever After will never make it past the pages of your favorite fairy tales.

Love at 500mph

I am 30,000 feet above the earth, traveling at an astonishing speed. All this speed has led me to ask the question… Is there ever a case where moving fast in a relationship is exactly what you should be doing? I used to think I had the answer to this question nailed to the ground with a mental gravity that not even the most technologically advanced aircraft could conquer. Then, my theory started to falter when I met “him”. Suddenly everything seemed contrary to everything I’d ever learned. Let me explain further.

After spending years dating everyone from parishioners to partiers I found myself most convinced that moving slowly was THE only way to move at all when it came to dating. I had fallen fast and hard for guys who were “serial daters” or men seeking to sustain their youth indefinitely. Then a few weeks ago I came across someone online that I was sure I should not be talking to. He seemed cocky and closed off to anything real. While he was very attractive, I could not get past what I perceived as misguided bravado. I wasn’t even sure why I was chatting with him. Against all my better judgment, we scheduled a time to hang out. That went over like a lead balloon. We tried again… that was like trying to fly that lead balloon while anchored to an aircraft carrier that was in the process of sinking. It all seemed like the worst of lost causes. We made contact again. This time, however, circumstances would only allow us to talk to each other over the phone. We had no way of trying to meet each other. We’d have to settle for talking. A funny thing happened during these conversations which lasted about 6 days. I fell in love. I know…absurd…impossible…stupid…naive… just outright foolish. That’s what I thought at first too.

As we continued to talk, it was apparent that we were both dying to express more than either of us wanted to admit. We “knew” this was too fast. Still, the fact remained; our feelings were growing stronger by the hour. Hours melted away into minutes as we talked about everything from past relationships to hopes for our future.

Now, as I travel at speeds somewhere around 500 miles per hour, I grow so excited to finally meet this man that I can barely contain my school-girl enthusiasm. Against all logic and sound principle I am making a choice to go with what I feel in my heart. I am taking a chance on love again and it feels remarkable. I had almost forgotten that at one time…long ago…I fell in love with a woman in this same manner and we were together for a long time. While that relationship did not last simply because biology would not allow it, the experience was a surreal space of love that I had long forgotten. It’s true. I could be racing toward disaster, but I could also be speeding toward the love of a lifetime. I’ve never felt like this about anyone I’ve never met. I know I am FAR from desperate. I have been focused on myself for quite some time. I’ve done everything a person is supposed to do in order to prepare themselves for love. Who’s to say that this is not exactly what is destined to happen for me? While I cannot say with any certainty that this will work, I sure plan on enjoying the flight.

Date Me?

I sit here stranded, albeit momentarily, on this American Airlines flight bound for Atlanta and I can’t help but let my mind wander into a philosophical place. I am wondering what dating these days has come to. It seems like the older I get the more I start to notice that some people have self-selected down to a smaller and smaller group…leaving nobody but themselves even worthy enough to date. I don’t know about you but I do not want to date myself. It is, however, more and more common for people to describe themselves in excruciating detail only to follow it up with “looking for the same”. Really?

Of course as a gay man, my dating experience is far different than that of a heterosexual man but I did used to be married and have dated a few women. I can say with certainty that the game is far different. Obviously what attracts a woman to a man is not how much alike they both are. Women have qualities that they want in a man and based purely on biology those things are usually somewhat opposite yet complimentary. In the gay culture it is a little trickier to say the least. A vast majority of men fall into one of two categories…they want someone just like themselves or they want someone who embodies everything they wish they were. This all makes for a great laugh but how does that make sense? So many gay men lament the fact that they are alone but using their “logic” all they’d really have to do is invite themselves out on a date to find the perfect man. While I think I am pretty darn great, save a few flaws, I do not want to date myself. I don’t want to date anyone that is exactly like me. Where is the challenge in that? Where is the fun in that?

All things said, I think it might be a good idea for some of us to trade in "date night" for, I don’t know, “counseling night”? The fact that so many want to date their physical and emotional twin is not only slightly hilarious but points to a real problem. Maybe it’s time we opened up our minds to other types of people. Maybe it’s time to work out those issues within us that dictate that we must have our own image constantly reflected back to us in order to be “happy”. Don’t get me wrong…I think having things in common is very necessary and very healthy for any relationship but where does it end?

So the next time you think about going on a date, take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself… Do I really want to date me?

Uniquely Grateful

I'm lying here in the dark listening to Angel by Amanda Perez. I can't help but wonder about divine providence. Does it exist? Do Angels really exist? Do I even believe in God? I know I used to...before life took a baseball bat to my soul. I recently had a "fight" with God. There was yelling. There were tears. It sounds like a bad break-up, I know. I suppose it was a break of some sort. At the center of my beef with God is that he doesn't seem to take care of those who need it. Beyond that, it seems that those who don't deserve great things always seem to have great things. Then I had a conversation with a friend tonight that would make me rethink my feud with the Almighty.

This past Saturday night I was to join my friend at his friend's bachelorette party. The plan was for me to meet him in Ft. Worth where everything was to take place. He was planning on riding with his girlfriends. I told him that I'd rather ride over there with him. He had his friends drop him off at his place and I was to drive us there. Closer to the time of the event I decided that I didn't feel like going. I really didn't have a reason for not wanting to go. I just really didn't want to all of the sudden. So my friend started calling after his friends to come get him. He never could get any of them to answer. He never made it to the party that night either. I felt badly for causing him to miss it.

Tonight I sent my friend a text to see how he was. He told me that his friends had never gotten back to him that night because they were involved in a terrible car accident. The car had been side-swiped while trying to exit the highway. The car flipped over the guard-rail and was struck twice more by other cars on the road. One of his friends was ejected from the car completely and later died from her injuries. The others managed to live but are severely injured and still being treated in a Dallas hospital.

My friend would have been among them in the car had we not made plans to ride together. Some might call it coincidence but I am pretty sure I know better. While I am not completely thrilled with how God always operates, I will always be uniquely grateful to Him for saving my friends life.

It's odd to me how God chooses to use certain people in the lives of others. Never discount your effect on someone's life. Never doubt that there is someone out there watching over you. You just never know what could have been. Something as simple as a decision to stay home can forever alter the course of a life. I do believe in divine providence. As cliche as it sounds, everything really does happen for a reason. I was lucky enough to see that plainly this time. Sometimes we just need a brilliant reminder that God does watch over us.


Stay Free!

Endless Expectation

It's just shy of a new day here in my dark and quiet apartment. I've just finished providing advice to someone who means the world to me. He's 10 years my junior and starting to feel the effects of a jaded world and culture. His life shows so much promise and potential. He's educated, charming, strong, committed, and focused. He is starting to miss these things when he glances into the mirror. My prayer and hope for him is that very soon he will come to realize his own worth and reason for being alive.

I WAS this person at 19 years old. My world was telling me what I should believe, where I should learn, who I should love, and what my goals in life should be. In all honesty, I caved in to those demands. I assumed their beliefs, their schools, their goals, their love. Now, at 32, I find myself conspicuously void of all those same people in my life that were pressing my heart for every drop of blood. They have all vanished. As if my heart was a mighty ship taken out to sea and left with no crew or captain, to drift endlessly on the raging seas of life. Water water everywhere and not a soul to save the ship.

How often we forget about our own dreams. Others' dreams somehow become our own. In the process we are weighed down with what others think our lives should amount to.
Moments away from being set adrift in an Ambien manner, I struggle to stay upright long enough to see the discovery. I have almost seen it. It was like the reflection of the sun on a watch. Or maybe a bird soaring past at great speeds. It could even be just behind me...or dare I say it? Right in front of me? Or is it me? Damn, I almost had it. It was almost mine. I wake up from my dream now and I am still falling...falling. When will the falling stop? I want the falling to stop, so that I can rest. All I want is rest and yet not even the two Kings of Ambien will allow it. They allow me only to ask more questions for which there are no answers. A shame indeed that with rest comes no answers.

Endless Expectation, all around. Ah, but what do you want?

Stay Free!