Groundhog Day

Human behavior is a very curious and ridiculous thing.  As children, we learn tough lessons about touching hot surfaces. We touch a hot pan or place our hand in the oven and instantly learn that we shouldn't touch things that are too hot. When I was growing up, I learned that if I talked back to my mother, I'd get my ass whipped.  The pain of the spanking was enough to keep me on the straight and narrow most days.  

When it comes to love and life in general, things tend to be remarkably different. We can make the same mistakes over and over and over again and we keep going right back for more.  We can even be privy to the past experiences of others and we couldn't care less.  Cautionary tales and sorted horror stories aren't even enough to prevent us from heading face-first into life's "brick walls".   

I've been told my entire life... "Everyone has to make their own mistakes."  As I get older, I can't help but ask... Why?  Why do we have to make our own mistakes?  Why don't we learn from the proof that is right before our eyes?  Is it arrogance?  Maybe we think that we are above making the same miscalculations that our predecessors did.  Perhaps it's a sense of inevitability that we give in to...I'm going to screw up anyway so why not?

As stupid as the notion that everyone HAS to make mistakes sounds, it seems to be some sort of "law" of nature.  I'm learning though, that there is a fine line between making your own mistakes and being fully engaged in your very own Groundhog Day.  

The Bottom Line:  As Samantha Jones from Sex and the City says: Have fun, just don't have amnesia.  Being doomed to repeat history is not the only option.  Perhaps we should walk the path of the shepherd rather than that of the sheep. 

A Fine Line Between Dating and Desperation

"All things in moderation."

This is a phrase that's very popular for use when talking about dieting or consuming alcohol.  I actually like this philosophy for my entire life.  I believe in balance, which is why dating presents such a huge challenge for me at times.  I don't know about you, but I find myself doing a greater share of the chasing when it comes to dating.  Sure, plenty of people offer up "talk"...but it seems that once it's time to really put forth the effort, I'm the only one stepping up to the line.

I've found myself often being the only one who is willing to court or show effort.  This is continually frustrating to me.  Where is the balance?  Where is the other half of the effort?  I certainly don't expect anyone to chase me or do all the "work", but it sure would be nice to see things move beyond words and on to actual effort.  I don't want to be the only one on the line.  I don't want to be the one who travels back and forth between dating and desperation.

I recall early last year making a firm decision to not do all the chasing in a relationship.  If people aren't willing to meet you half way then what is the point?  So, the next time you are in a relationship or dating someone, ask yourself..."Is this mutual courtship or have I become Desperate Daphne?"  Expect more.

The Bottom Line: 
All things really should be in moderation, including desperation.  If you are the only one showing up to the line, then perhaps it's time to take yourself on a date.  

Liar Liar, Pants On Fire!

In this complicated world we live in sometimes the line between truth and fiction can be greatly blurred. Hell, sometimes people can take that line, dance on it, swing it around, and then bury it in their closet with the rest of their skeletons! Why is it that some people have this insatiable need to make their life into something it's not? Why must they create an imaginary world and expect you to live in it with them? I am all for creating your "own world", but only if it's REAL.

These same people then wonder, with genuine intensity, why others will not buy into their lies...their "knock-off coach bag", if you will. Society is becoming more and more artificial by the day. Is this a road we really want to travel down? Do we really want to live a lie more than we want to live the truth? I, above all, know that the truth is sometimes extremely ugly. Sometimes we are not honest with even ourselves because we don't like how the truth sounds when we say it out loud. I get that. However, I honestly believe the only way to live free is in the light. I do not believe in creating a false existence in which to live. There is no point.

Exhibit A: I offer you "JC"...

This is a man (pictured above) that I believed I would be with forever. I didn't realize that he was a con-artist and the Exalted Supreme Emperor of Falsehood. Ours was a story to be told. Little did I know that story would end up being a work of fiction. There were many dots(also known as red flags) when it came to "JC". It took me a while to connect those dots. Once I did, however, the story began to sour faster than 16 day old milk in an unplugged refrigerator. There were lies about so many things. I couldn't possibly go into all of them here...after all, this is a blog not a novel. My point really is that "JC" not only lied...but created a work of fiction that would rival any Oprah Book Club member...and for what? There is never any reason to lie (except for gift giving and surprise party scenarios). In the end, I dismissed "JC". Why? At the end of the day, I'd always have more questions than answers...because I'd never be able to trust him after the assortment of lies he offered up as reality.

Through this entire "JC" ordeal I learned a couple of things. My instincts are RAZOR SHARP. I knew something was off. I took the time to find the missing link, which happened to be in my nightstand just waiting to be found. I won't go into it here but let's just say in involved a flash-drive. My instincts led me to the truth, as they have time and again with everyone from friends to lovers. I will NOT doubt them again.

The second thing I learned is I want to continue to live my life in the truth. I want to surround myself with truth. The people I allow in my life should be people who value truth and believe in it as much as I do. Life is so very short. We are here for a mere moment and then we are gone. There is no time to live in a web of lies. I've been there before...see Granted, it took me years to realize that I was living my own lie. Once I saw it for what it was I made that change. I stepped into the light and have never looked back.

As I reflect on the hows, the whys, the ifs of my "JC" fiction, I realize everything happens for a reason and though that is one of the cliches I hate the most sometimes...it's the truest one I can think of. After going through all this drama and turning 33 in the process, I have no regrets for what I went through, or for the choices I made. I've learned a great deal about myself and that has more value than any other thing in this world.

Take from this story what you will. There are many valuable lessons within these experiences. As with all my works, I share this with you in the hopes that it will inspire and entertain you. If I can do this for even one person, it's worth it.

Stay Free!

David Ross Jackson

Get Your Ass In The Pumpkin!!!!

I'm sitting here on this lazy Sunday afternoon trying to think through the the phrase Happily Ever After. I was thinking back to Rapunzel and Cinderella. The two things these chicks had in common is that they had the nerve to "show up"...to make things happen. I mean, Rapunzel let her hair down. Otherwise, she might have never lived happily ever after. After all, if it were not for missing her hair appointment for her entire life and then using that mop to bust out of her version of Alcatraz, she would still be up there with only her frumpy hair-do and a frown.

Cinderella, on the other hand could have put on the dress and gotten all dolled up only to say, "I'm not good enough, or pretty enough, or smart enough, or brave enough to pull this off". If she hadn't taken the initiative to actually get her ass in the pumpkin and "get her party on" she would have never lived happily ever after!

I guess my observation is: Unless we take steps to bring about our own "happily ever after" it really won't happen on it's own. Fairy tales really DO exist but there is more work involved than simply daydreaming about them. You have to let your hair down. Not only do you have to "put the dress on", you have to get your behind in the pumpkin and floor it. Otherwise, Happily Ever After will never make it past the pages of your favorite fairy tales.

The Art of Rejection and Dentistry

What is rejection? At first glance this would appear to be an easily answered question. When one takes the time to really think about rejection though, one will find that the answer is not quite as simple as one might have thought.
I’ve found that rejection really has many facets. I should note that I choose the word “facets” for two reasons. First, there is the common definition… a facet being an angle or a side to something. Then I looked deeper and found that there is another meaning…one found in the world of Dentistry. I found this definition very intriguing. Facet: “Dentistry. A small, highly burnished (polished by friction) area, usually on the enamel surface of a tooth, produced by abrasion between opposing teeth in chewing.

Let’s start chewing…

What is rejection?

I feel rejection is the type of combo you wouldn’t find on a McDonald’s menu anywhere. There is the feeling or intention of the person rejecting, paired with the perception and understanding of the person being rejected. The act of being rejected is defined by the feeling of being rejected. In other words one doesn’t really exist without the other. If I don’t feel rejected then the simple fact is…I haven’t been.

What does Dentistry have to do with it?

Well if you look at it metaphorically, you can see that “opposing teeth” produce a highly polished side or “facet” to the tooth by way of friction! The two opposing people can in fact be “polished” or even perfected by rejection, which serves as “friction”.

I got all that from teeth?

Yes! I’ve recently been on both ends of what most would perceive as rejection. I was the person rejecting and then the person being rejected. I didn’t really enjoy being on either end of it to be quite honest. I don’t enjoy putting people through rejection and I don’t really care for being rejected either. If we start to look at rejection in a better light, we can see that it’s a very necessary part of developing character. It is painful but necessary. We can see that rejection really leads us to better and more appropriate opportunities. Rejection can teach us to look within for answers. Rejection polishes us and makes us brilliant and smooth around the edges. Whether it’s rejection from a job, person, family member, friend, or foe, see it as an opportunity to move in a better direction. See it as a way to find that perfect “place” in your life. There are of course those who will disagree with my way of thinking and maintain that rejection is useless and simply some people’s way of being hateful and hurtful. Really it’s all in how you look at it. You can choose to look at the glass as half full or half empty. The choice is always ours.

So, the next time you find yourself on the “wrong” end of rejection, take a moment to breathe and then remember that while the polishing process can be painful at times, it is needed to make us better.

Love at 500mph

I am 30,000 feet above the earth, traveling at an astonishing speed. All this speed has led me to ask the question… Is there ever a case where moving fast in a relationship is exactly what you should be doing? I used to think I had the answer to this question nailed to the ground with a mental gravity that not even the most technologically advanced aircraft could conquer. Then, my theory started to falter when I met “him”. Suddenly everything seemed contrary to everything I’d ever learned. Let me explain further.

After spending years dating everyone from parishioners to partiers I found myself most convinced that moving slowly was THE only way to move at all when it came to dating. I had fallen fast and hard for guys who were “serial daters” or men seeking to sustain their youth indefinitely. Then a few weeks ago I came across someone online that I was sure I should not be talking to. He seemed cocky and closed off to anything real. While he was very attractive, I could not get past what I perceived as misguided bravado. I wasn’t even sure why I was chatting with him. Against all my better judgment, we scheduled a time to hang out. That went over like a lead balloon. We tried again… that was like trying to fly that lead balloon while anchored to an aircraft carrier that was in the process of sinking. It all seemed like the worst of lost causes. We made contact again. This time, however, circumstances would only allow us to talk to each other over the phone. We had no way of trying to meet each other. We’d have to settle for talking. A funny thing happened during these conversations which lasted about 6 days. I fell in love. I know…absurd…impossible…stupid…naive… just outright foolish. That’s what I thought at first too.

As we continued to talk, it was apparent that we were both dying to express more than either of us wanted to admit. We “knew” this was too fast. Still, the fact remained; our feelings were growing stronger by the hour. Hours melted away into minutes as we talked about everything from past relationships to hopes for our future.

Now, as I travel at speeds somewhere around 500 miles per hour, I grow so excited to finally meet this man that I can barely contain my school-girl enthusiasm. Against all logic and sound principle I am making a choice to go with what I feel in my heart. I am taking a chance on love again and it feels remarkable. I had almost forgotten that at one time…long ago…I fell in love with a woman in this same manner and we were together for a long time. While that relationship did not last simply because biology would not allow it, the experience was a surreal space of love that I had long forgotten. It’s true. I could be racing toward disaster, but I could also be speeding toward the love of a lifetime. I’ve never felt like this about anyone I’ve never met. I know I am FAR from desperate. I have been focused on myself for quite some time. I’ve done everything a person is supposed to do in order to prepare themselves for love. Who’s to say that this is not exactly what is destined to happen for me? While I cannot say with any certainty that this will work, I sure plan on enjoying the flight.

Date Me?

I sit here stranded, albeit momentarily, on this American Airlines flight bound for Atlanta and I can’t help but let my mind wander into a philosophical place. I am wondering what dating these days has come to. It seems like the older I get the more I start to notice that some people have self-selected down to a smaller and smaller group…leaving nobody but themselves even worthy enough to date. I don’t know about you but I do not want to date myself. It is, however, more and more common for people to describe themselves in excruciating detail only to follow it up with “looking for the same”. Really?

Of course as a gay man, my dating experience is far different than that of a heterosexual man but I did used to be married and have dated a few women. I can say with certainty that the game is far different. Obviously what attracts a woman to a man is not how much alike they both are. Women have qualities that they want in a man and based purely on biology those things are usually somewhat opposite yet complimentary. In the gay culture it is a little trickier to say the least. A vast majority of men fall into one of two categories…they want someone just like themselves or they want someone who embodies everything they wish they were. This all makes for a great laugh but how does that make sense? So many gay men lament the fact that they are alone but using their “logic” all they’d really have to do is invite themselves out on a date to find the perfect man. While I think I am pretty darn great, save a few flaws, I do not want to date myself. I don’t want to date anyone that is exactly like me. Where is the challenge in that? Where is the fun in that?

All things said, I think it might be a good idea for some of us to trade in "date night" for, I don’t know, “counseling night”? The fact that so many want to date their physical and emotional twin is not only slightly hilarious but points to a real problem. Maybe it’s time we opened up our minds to other types of people. Maybe it’s time to work out those issues within us that dictate that we must have our own image constantly reflected back to us in order to be “happy”. Don’t get me wrong…I think having things in common is very necessary and very healthy for any relationship but where does it end?

So the next time you think about going on a date, take a long look in the mirror and ask yourself… Do I really want to date me?