A few days prior to my 30th birthday, life was good. I had a huge birthday bash planned. My boyfriend at the time was handling all the arrangements. I even had a decent and balanced perspective on turning 30. I had managed to avoid wanting to hang myself from the ceiling fan or the shower rod because I was "getting old". Other than being a little under the weather, I was doing well. I decided to go see my family doctor for a check-up. In general, I felt great so I didn't think much of it. I'd always go in on a weekday, mid-morning, and always get my check-up results back the very next afternoon. They were very efficient that way.
The following day, I called in for my results. The blood work was still in a pending status. The next day was the same. On the third day, I spoke to my very favorite nurse over the phone. She wasn't her usual outrageous and playful self. Her voice was quiet and troubled. She said, "Honey, when can you come in to see the doctor?". Not being one to drag my feet, I made an appointment. While she didn't tell me anything over the phone, I somehow knew what was unfolding before me. About five days passed before I was able to make it in for my appointment. I went alone. My nurse and doctor came into the room and told me something that would change my life forever. "David, we ran all your standard blood work. You tested positive for HIV." The words just hung there like a London fog. My favorite nurse held my hand as tears rolled down my face. The doctor began explaining the next steps but most of his words were just washed away with my tears.
I've only ever cried so much one other time in my life. I honestly don't remember the days in between the news and telling my boyfriend. I was a mess on the inside. Some who already know my story, have said that I am a remarkably strong person. I don't really feel strong, but then again, this kind of strength is not the kind that advertises itself with fanfare.
I guess I decided to share this very personal part of my life for a few reasons. As with any major life trial, one can feel desperate and alone. I wouldn't wish the feelings I experienced during that time on anyone. I've refrained from telling many people because of the stigma that goes along with having HIV. I wish people were more educated but as with many things in life, until it affects you, you pay it no attention. So, after making my way out of the "I'm gay" closet, I felt forced into yet another.
Here is what I'd like you all to take away from this moment that I've shared with you...
For those of you who have been diagnosed... You are not alone! Find someone to talk to; perhaps a professional or a friend you can trust. Don't go through this alone. This hurts in a way that does not compare to many things. Know that when the dust settles on your diagnosis, you will feel like living again. You will thrive. You will feel loved again. Walk toward the light and know that while it may take some time to feel...normal...that time will come.
For those who don't know much about HIV or AIDS... Google it. Talk about it. Understand it. Life is entirely too short to think it couldn't happen to you or someone that you love. You should also know that it's no longer a death sentence! Provided I can reduce my road-rage, I will outlive most of those reading this...trust and believe! You must understand how it's contracted, how to prevent it, and how to support those in your life who have it. Stop being afraid of what you don't understand and dispense with falling back on ignorance as an excuse for poor attitudes.
The Bottom Line:
At one time, having HIV felt like being on the dark side of the moon. I was lonely and isolated. I felt the cold of mortality creeping in. Honestly, I felt like trash. It felt like the end of dating. It felt like the end of love and happiness. It felt like the end of my life. Once the fog lifted and I made the choice to educate myself and to keep on living; I was able to see that nothing could be further from the truth. Have things changed? Of course! It has taken me a great deal of time, but I am finally finding the purpose in all this. I hope that my story will inspire you to approach yourself and others with love and compassion. HIV positive or not, we are all going through something and could benefit from the light of love.
Click here to learn about HIV.
