So, it’s a “late spring in January” kind of a day here in my hometown. I’m wearing a tank-top and it feels amazing. I started out with lunch. As a sat on the patio relaxing and enjoying something called a chicken cheeseburger, I couldn’t help but notice all the people gathering at the bar across the street...a bar that I’ve been to more times than I care to admit.
It’s interesting how the bars play such a huge role in my people’s culture. By “my people”, I’m referring to the gays. I’ve struggled over the years to understand why bars seem to be the only place we like to congregate. I don’t really care for the bars. So, of course I packed up my laptop and decided to plop down right in the middle of one! I’ve made a habit of forcing myself into awkward scenarios in an effort to keep my mind outside the box. Trust me when I say that typing away in the middle of a meat market is highly awkward! So, I pulled out my laptop and began observing and writing. I think I’ve been able to categorize the things I’ve seen today...
The Social Queens -
These are the guys who show up just to be seen. This is as much a production as anything you would ever see on broadway. Hair is sprayed into submission. Clothes are two sizes too small. On a side note, that baby Gap look only works on 1 out of every 20 gay men. The social queens are laughing at things that aren’t funny, throwing back drinks faster than the bartender can pour, and generally doing everything short of setting off fireworks in an effort to be noticed.
The Sex Queens -
I think we all know what these folks are doing. Ummm yeah...looking for sex. They are the least complicated individuals in all of gaydom.
The Drag Queens -
Albeit they are not typically “made up”, you can always spot them by their high-arched eyebrows and affinity for comfy sweatpants. You can also spot that “I took off all my makeup at about 4am this morning” look. Hey, I’m not making this up.
The Sporty Queens -
These are the ones who want to accentuate every muscle in their overly worked out, usually out-of-proportion bodies. Think top-heavy...90 inch chest and legs you could clean small pipes with. It’s amazing that they have time to even make it to a bar considering they are always propped up on a bench-press machine.
The Old Queens -
I have an agreement with my best friend to have him stab me in the face if I ever find myself in this group. These are the men of considerable age who have never quite found a life outside a bar. My cut off age is currently 45. 45 is the LAST age. If I should feel the need to adjust the age, it would be younger...not older.
The “In Love” Queens -
These are the ones who are with the “man of the moment”; proudly displaying each other like Grammy awards on a shelf. They will be broken up after about two months of hot sex and one-too-many date nights at the bar.
The Bottom Line:
Queens come and go, but the bars...they are forever. While I don’t pretend to completely understand the correlation between gay life and the clubs and bars; I know that in some fashion it’s our haven...our little slice of the world where we can completely be ourselves without fear of judgement (this excludes fashion judgement). I suppose at some point I will just stop trying to figure out the bar crowd and resolve that much like Republican nominees for President, it’s a necessary evil. ;-)
