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What do you do when you go looking for something...only to find it?  In the age of instant communication (e.g. text, phone, Internet, etc...), I find myself wishing that I only dated within the Amish community.  At least I'd have less technology to compete with.  Cheating, flirting, and pillow talk would all be done the old-fashioned, tedious, and ultimately sloppier way.  It is way too easy for people to "reach out and touch someone" these days.  I struggle with trust issues in my dating relationships.  I've been burned too many times to count by secret cell phone rendezvous and Internet hookups.  I find myself dating a guy only to realize there is someone on the side...or perhaps several "someones".  I'd really like to know why the Internet and/or the cell phone has turned the entire dating world into a giant pool of options rather than priorities.  How the hell did we get to this place?  

I wish I could trust that I'm enough for the person I'm with.  I long to believe that there isn't always going to be a long lost lover just waiting for the chance to rekindle old romance with my new prospect.  I'd love to believe that a cell phone call-log couldn't possibly hold the key to understanding the person I'm dating.  I fear that I may never be able to trust again.  It seems like something old...something new...something borrowed ...someone he blew...is just a text or a call away.  I've said for a long time that trust is a choice.  I'm beginning to wonder just how sound that whole idea is.  Can we really just choose to trust...even when the texts roll in at 4am?  Or, do we find ourselves tiptoeing around in the dark like some sort of suspicious wife in a Lifetime movie...waiting to snatch the phone and get the real story?  

I'm big enough to realize that I do not have all the answers.  That's why you may notice I spend a lot of time asking questions in the articles I write.  I truly believe that sharing my experiences can not only help me; but could very well help others who find themselves in the similar circumstances.

The Bottom Line:
Sometimes a text is just a text.  Trust, however, is much trickier.    

35

It’s Labor Day and I find myself speeding toward California on an American Airlines flight with age and personal relationships on my mind.  I turn 35 years old tomorrow. Five years ago, I didn't really have the normal “OMG I’m 30!” moment.  I guess I’m late with that.  I’m not really freaking out about getting old.  For one thing, I've been blessed with some of the best genes around so I don’t look 35.  I’m regularly guessed to be in my mid to late 20’s.  I’m hoping that remains the case...for a little while longer anyhow.  J     

I guess the thing that strikes me most about this age is all of the people that have come and gone from my life...friends…family…acquaintances…and the like.  I’m traveling to visit a friend that I haven’t seen in about 8 years.  There was a time I thought I may never see him again.  Thanks to Facebook, we reconnected and are now going to spend the next seven days acting like damn fools.  I can’t wait. 

I have mixed feelings about the relationships I’ve had over my lifetime.  I’ve lost people I loved to both death and ego.  Friends have abandoned me in the name of God.  Boyfriends and lovers have vanished into what seemed like thin air.  Even with all of the great loss I’ve suffered, it is those relationships which have stood the test of time that shine the brightest.  In spite of great distance, time, or tribulation, there are those few relationships which have held strong.

The other thing that occurs to me is how labor-intensive relationships are.   They are hard work.  They require vast amounts of effort and sacrifice.  The hard work is well worth the reward.  In fact, I think that relationships that come too easily are ones that could very well be taken for granted.  After all, anything worth having is also worth working for.  Looking ahead to the next 35 years, I plan on letting the people in my life know exactly how much they mean to me.  Life is far too short to spend it keeping such valuable information to myself. 

The Bottom Line:

Make the most of your relationships and your relationships will make the most of you. 

Rear-view Mirror

Does your future look somewhat like your past?

When it comes to recycling, I'm the worlds worst...except, however, when it comes to romantic relationships.  What is it about an old relationship that would make us want to go back to it?  Is it a comfort thing?  I'm afraid for me, the answers are a little hard to come by.  I obviously have something to work through in my own life.  Why else would I continuously find myself going in a backward relationship motion?

I'm a Virgo, so I have a tendency to make everything very black and white.  Well, I'll have no such luck with this topic.  If you are anything like me, and find yourself in a similar situation; start by asking yourself lots of questions.  It's good to start with "why", but get specific with yourself.  Try some of these questions on for size...


Am I a masochist?

Is it the sex?

Is it comfortable?

Do I feel like I made a mistake?

Has anything really changed between us?

Will things be better a second time around?

Why did I leave in the first place?

Do I need counseling?   :-)

These are all great questions and one's that I am currently asking myself.  I know there must be plenty of people out there who find themselves in a similar spot.  Please know...you are not alone!

The Bottom Line:
There are plenty of us hamsters out there just running in place on the big relationship wheel.  The key to evolving past that place in our lives is being willing to ask the tough questions of ourselves.  Once we begin to ask those questions, we will start to look around and realize...

I really AM just running in place!  What the hell?

A Tale of Two Men

Boy meets Congressman.  Boy has inappropriate relations with Congressman.  Congressman gets caught.  Congressman looses everything.  Boy fades into oblivion after fifteen minutes of fame.   It's the oldest story in the book.  Well, maybe not the oldest, but it's quickly becoming the most cliche story in the book.  As I was reading the story about Republican Representative Phillip Hinkle referring to the mess he's gotten himself into as a "shakedown", it occurred to me that this story was only being covered from one angle.  It was the typical angle.  Hinkle is a public figure...queue the public outrage.  

I try to approach my writing with fairness.  Of course I have my opinions.  I wouldn't be much of an aspiring opinion writer if I didn't.  I think everyone should be taking a good long look at BOTH of these men.  Since Rep. Hinkle will most certainly be publicly crucified, let's take a look at the person most people will not be talking about.

Kameryn Gibson - 

Here, we have an 18 year old young man who has posted an ad on Craigslist.  In the ad, he claimed he was 20(a lie) and looking for a "sugga daddy".  First of all, I'm no legal expert but this is at the very least borderline prostitution.  Let's get real for a moment.  It's one thing to go online looking for sex.  It's an entirely different thing to be looking for someone to pay you for sex.  Where is the outrage about this young man's behavior?

Adding insult to injury, Kameryn took items from the Congressman as "hush money"...an iPad, Blackberry, and $100.  He then decides to "do the right thing" and allow all this to go public.  I'm confused.  Wouldn't the right thing be to not post an ad that basically amounts to prostitution?  Maybe the right thing would have been to not accept cash and other items to stay quiet.  Perhaps the right thing would also be not allowing your sister to go to a newspaper with this story.  It seems to me that this young man is desperately trying to get attention in any way possible.  Maybe he has aspirations to be famous?  Maybe he has a complete lack of aspiration, hence the "sugga daddy" mentality.  Maybe he's just an attention addict and this whole situation is like crack to him.  I just question the point of all of this in light of his own terrible decision making.  At the end of the day, it doesn't make it more wrong that Congressman is involved in this.  It's all wrong.

Kameryn lied.  Kameryn wanted to trade sex for money. Kameryn took cash and gifts to keep quiet.

I have a hunch that we are hearing about all this because the Kameryn and his sister Megan started seeing dollar signs.  I also think they knew there would be a certain level of notoriety that comes along with this sort of situation...something they were both unable to resist.  

The Bottom Line:
In a world that values celebrity over all else, it's time we get real about things like character.  Sure, public servants should be held accountable for their actions.  After all, we are paying their salary.  That, however, does not exclude the everyday person from being accountable as well.  Our political figures are a real reflection of the people.  That fact alone should scare us all into making better decisions and being the best people we can be.  These two seemingly different people are really not all that different at all.  When the sensationalism settles and the story is long over, we still have to look at ourselves in the mirror.

Who do you see staring back at you?

Dear God

I can honestly say, that prayer is not a regular activity in my life.  I do believe in God.  I even believe in Jesus.  To what extent...that's another story.  I can tell you that I believe prayer is a conversation between you and God.  I believe it was never intended to be a political tool.  I believe prayer only helps you if you believe it.  I believe prayer can be instrumental in getting your heart and mind in sync.

If I had a prayer to offer, it would go something like this...

Dear God,

I want to say thank you for all the things I've been blessed with in my lifetime.  I know we've fought.  I've cursed you out.  I've screamed.  I've cried.  I burned books that people swear were divinely inspired by you.  I've lost faith in you.  I've gained it back.  I've been guilty of coming to you only when I need something.  I've struggled to understand you.  I've worried that you might not be real at all.  I still think you may have it out for me sometimes.  Other times, I feel you have my back.  Our relationship has been up and down...back and forth...and everywhere in between.  I can't say I've got you all figured out.  I can say that the more I learn about myself, the more I learn about you.

I pray that I never knowingly hurt someone, though I know I probably will.  I pray that I can always offer the forgiveness that I so desperately need from others.  I pray that I will always be man enough to be honest with my self and with others...no matter how unpleasant that honesty could be.

I pray that you help me not be so critical of myself and of others.  I pray you never take away my curiosity.  I pray for strength to fight, even when I don't want to fight.  I pray that I learn something...anything...from my tears.  I pray for courage.  I pray that I will always be better today than I was yesterday.  I pray that if you are listening...you never stop listening.   I pray for justice.

I pray for my children's peace of mind and soul.  I pray that no matter where they are in life, they always feel my great and never-ending love for them.  I pray they never forget me.  I pray that they seek the truth about who their dad really is.  I pray one day I can tell them face to face that their love forever transformed my soul.  I pray they will understand, before them...I was nothing.  I pray that everyone in this world gets to experience the unconditional love of a child at least one time.

Finally, I pray that I always feel that like I can say whatever I need to say to you, and that you will listen.  I pray that even in my worst moments, you see my heart.  I pray that you forgive my mouth, and my actions, and my thoughts.  I pray that by the end of my lifetime, I will get to meet the "person" that I've been through hell and back with.  Real or imagined...  Literal or figurative... Near or far... You've always been around.

Sincerely,
Me

The Bottom Line:
Maybe God is within.  Maybe God is somewhere out there.  Maybe God is everywhere.  Maybe it's OK that I don't know.  Life, if nothing else, is a journey.  Our conversations...our prayers with that something or someone that is bigger than ourselves can only lead to greater understanding and greater peace of mind.